I have not shared this with you, but over a year ago, I made a big decision. To quote Vivian Ward, “Big. Huge.” I had been feeling very hopeless about my weight and my apparent inability to do anything about it. Really hopeless. The kind of hopeless that sends a person with food issues straight to the snack cake aisle with a big grocery cart – none of that little basket stuff. Nope. Let’s load up. Nothing has helped; so, why bother?

Why bother?

Well, because I hurt. My knees, ankles, feet, hips, shoulders all yell at me on a daily basis. Every time I stand up, every time I roll over in my sleep something pipes up screaming. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that. Granted, I have more life behind me than in front of me, but still. I don’t want to be crippled and that’s where I’m headed

So, I started looking at bariatric surgery.

After The Great Reduction, a life-long friend of mine said something about me having lost the weight the hard way. I hadn’t taken the easy way out by having surgery. I’ve thought about that a lot over the last 18 months. I didn’t actually start the process of moving towards surgery until about 14 months ago. And as I been involved with Vanderbilt Weight Loss, I learned that there is no easy way.

I have spent a great deal of time over the last 14 months keeping a food diary, learning to eat differently, and struggling with getting into an exercise routine. I still struggle with all of it. I still fail and still struggle with those feelings of hopelessness. I’ve lost 25 pounds. In over a year, I have lost only 25 pounds.

And the phrasing of that last sentence is a huge part of my problem. 25 pounds is a success. Could it be better? Of course. However, I didn’t gain 25 pounds; so, it could be worse. But 25 pounds when I’m still 100 pounds overweight, in my mind, is a failure.

Over 25 years ago, I had a counselor who pointed out my tendency to not give myself credit when I’ve earned it. More than 25 years ago and I still have to make a conscious effort to not belittle every achievement. I still talk to myself in a way I would never speak to someone I love. I still need help.

And I’m about to get a lot of it.

In less than two weeks, I will go in for gastric bypass surgery. I’m excited. I’m scared. But, mostly, right now I’m hungry.

My surgeon prescribed a liquid diet for 10 days prior to surgery. During this time, I can have protein drinks, broth, sugar free flavored water, sugar free gelatin, and sugar free popsicles. I’ve already started on it and, as you would imagine, it’s not easy. But, I am doing what I need to do to make it work. I have been taking care of some things on my honey-do list. (What do you call that list if you are both the list maker and the honey? To-do list? Yawn. Let’s work on a better name for that.) Whatever, I’m keeping my hands busy rather than just hanging out on the couch.

We’ll chat in the coming days about how this liquid diet is going, the things I’m doing it make it work, my fears for after surgery, and what actually happens after surgery. I am hurtling towards this life-changing event and I’d love to have you come along.

Buckle up! It’s about to get real.