I saw Mariska Hargitay on Katie Couric’s talk show recently. In addition to talking about her 14-year run as Olivia Benson on Law & Order: SVU, the actress talked about her organization – No More. Now that I’ve seen the logo, I often see it in the background on NBC’s long-running show.
I applaud Ms. Hargitay for creating this organization after receiving thousands of letters from victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. I also applaud NBC for promoting the organization so regularly, if subtly. It’s long past time that victims of abuse ceased to be victims of the system that is supposed to protect them.
In addition to watching the PSA embedded below, I urge you to see related No More, VAWA and Joyful Heart Foundation videos on YouTube.
When I was obese, I would hear women with a couple of pounds to lose complain about their weight. My typical response was, “Bless your heart,” which is, of course, Southern for “Seriously? You’re 14 ounces overweight, try being 100 pounds over. Ima need for you to shut the hell up.”
As you know very well, these past months have been a tremendous struggle for me – physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. With the help of friends and better living through chemistry, I’m beginning to get a more realistic perspective on things.
This weekend, I sat in the home I own on a peaceful street, surrounded by my pets (luxuries if ever there were ones). warm in front of my fireplace, enjoying a cup of French vanilla coffee, listening to Renee Fleming. There is plenty of food in my kitchen. I have gasoline in my car, a job that almost lets me make ends meet, a healthy son starting his own life, a new gentleman friend who values my company and whose company I also enjoy. I have plentiful food, warm shelter and clothing, affection and general good health.
In spite of my struggles, there are a great many who could and would very quickly say, “Seriously? Ima need for you to shut the hell up.”
I joined a group on Facebook called Three Weeks of Thankfulness. In spite of the validity of the concept, it’s gotten a little cliche to express gratitude for something every day of November. Everyone seems to do it; so, of course, I don’t. I’m perverse like that. This is different, though – starting the year off with a grateful heart. That sounds like a good way to start this year’s journey to me.
According to group founder Darin Hollingsworth, the protocol is simple:
Make a list.
Thank somebody.
Think about why and how.
He says:
1) Make a list – EVERY DAY for three weeks. Write it down or use one of the several smart phone apps available. Research shows that writing down your list of things for which you are grateful can have exponential benefits for stimulating other positive emotions. Gratefulness.org has a great, free app – http://www.gratefulness.org/a/2012/grateful_app.htm
2) Thank somebody – personally and ideally with a handwritten thank you note. A phone call, text or e-mail work well too or even a Facebook post or a Tweet, but as John Kralik shares in his book, A Simple Act of Gratitude (originally published as 365 Thank Yous, http://www.365thankyounotes.com/,) handwriting a note is good for you and the receiver in ways you may have never experienced!
3) Think about why and how. Take a few minutes to go deeper with something on your list. Think about WHY you are grateful for 1 – 3 of the items on your list and think about HOW you feel because you are grateful and HOW you helped bring that person or thing or circumstance to your life. Again, take the time to write it down. You will be THANKFUL later when you have some great tools and assets to create more of what you are grateful for in your life and work.
A variation on this theme is to write down good things that happen during the year, put the slips of paper into a jar, then read them at the end of the year.
Both activities will help me keep my focus on the good things in my life, those things for which I must be thankful, lest I have to bless my own heart. After all, there are many who would be grateful to have it so bad.
“There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.” – Chinese proverb
I used that truth on my son’s high school graduation invitations in 2012. I believed in its veracity then and I believe in it now, particularly when my child recently returned from college for Christmas.
I had not seen him since he walked through security at the Nashville airport on 26 August. When he arrived home for Christmas, I was immediately struck with the physical changes in him. He just looks so grown! His face has lost the last vestiges of boyishness. At 6’2″, he’s a long way from that 20 inch bundle I first held. In Tacoma, he is going to school, working and has taken up bouldering. In listening to him talk about his friends, his roommates, and their activities, I was reminded of when he was little.
I grew up in a small town where my mother was a teacher and Girl Scout leader. My father was a forester, a deacon in our church, a member of the Civil Defense and helped out with the Boy Scouts from time to time. They knew all of my friends, my potential friends, and (often) the parents of all of these kids. If I talked about a kid at school, my parents probably knew more about the kid than I did. It was different for my son. I remember him talking about kids in his pre-K class and being surprised that I didn’t know them. I didn’t know them and I probably never would. It was a strange concept to me. The extension of that idea was that my child, who had depended on me for everything, was beginning to develop a life independent from mine. This human being who had literally shared my body and my blood was establishing himself as a truly autonomous being. It blew my mind.
This trip, he arrived at around 11:20 PM. We talked almost non-stop until 3:30. He shared some of his daily activities, but mostly, he shared his thoughts about society, sexism, politics, history and gender issues. He learns new facts in his classes, but, with his friends, he learns, expands, develops and shares concepts. In sharing those with me, he challenges my own notions. Whether or not he changes my mind, the discourse is engaging and energizing. When he was little, I loved rediscovering my world through his eyes. These days, I find myself rediscovering and/or changing my opinions and beliefs when I see them from his point of view.
Listening to how he is maturing makes my heart swell for I am so proud of the man he is choosing to become. Make no mistake, he’s not perfect – and, thank goodness! Who would want that!? But, he is choosing to be socially, environmentally and fiscally aware and responsible. What a thrill to watch his development!
The morning after his arrival, I woke to find him piled up in his bed with the two dogs who seemed to rejoice that their boy was back. Don’t tell the pups, but he’s my boy. Man that he is, he’s my boy, my child, the only pretty one in the world and I have him.
Hey! My son lives in Tacoma. Let’s go up for a visit and climb Mt. Rainier. To the top. Next week.
Riiiiiight. Any idiot knows that you have to plan, prepare and train before tackling a mountain like that. Then, why on earth do we think that we can climb the mental mountains of major personal and lifestyle changes without any preparation at all?
‘Fess up. How many times have you resolved to lose weight, start exercising or whatever, started off all gang-busters, failed miserably and wondered how? I estimate that I’ve set those goals more than 20 times. I estimate that I’ve failed to acheive those goals more than 20 times. (Once, though, I did manage to quit smoking for a couple of years before I relapsed. That was before I acknowledged that I am a nicotine addict, not a habitual smoker – important distinction, realization and admission, let me tell you. With that distinction, I’m a seven year non-smoking nicotine addict.) With that track record, why not give up? Why try again?
Because, like L’Oreal says, I’m worth it.
Like They (the infamous They) say, the definition of insanity is doing something the same way time after time, expecting different results. I finally did it differently. I finally figured out that I couldn’t go from couch potato to marathoner or from a size 20 to a size two overnight. (Let’s get real here, without mummification, I ain’t ever going to a size two.) I started listening to my body and approached the changes as lifestyle changes rather than as “going on a diet” or as “starting to workout.” I couldn’t go from eating 92.4 grams of sugar each day (the average American intake) to 25 grams (the American Heart Association’s recommended daily maximum) in one stroke – stroke being the operative word, every time I tried it, my system went into fits of apoplexy and complete rebellion. The system-wide, cellular response was, “Hell to the no.” The smart approach for me was the same one many take when quitting smoking – the gradual one.
I removed processed foods from my diet, but initially replaced many of those sugars with added servings of fruit. To stave off cravings, I ate treesful of apples those first few weeks. As my system got used to getting natural fructose instead of high-fructose corn syrup or sucrose, I was able to decrease the number of daily fruit servings to one or two. Weight loss began in a way that my system could live with.
As I’ve struggled with my attitude in the last few months of 2013, I have failed to monitor my diet. I have failed to keep sugars and wheat in check. I have failed to eat enough vegetables or, really, anything even approaching a balanced diet. I’ve eaten all the wrong things in all the wrong proportions. But….
I’m worth it, remember?
So, I begin a new year on the calendar and in my mind. My refrigerator is stocked with veggies. I’ve got dried fruit and nuts for snacks. I’ve got lean meat in the freezer. My nutritional arsenal is full and my mind in the right place. I begin the process of training to summit my mental mountains which are every bit as daunting as Mt. Ranier even if they don’t include a visit with my son.
Last year, I threw darts on a team for a few weeks. I threw them badly, mind you, but I threw them nevertheless. Still, I enjoyed learning the new games and I enjoyed the camaraderie that whole subculture offered to me. I got better as time went on until, at last, other players no longer wore kevlar or feared for their safety. The dart boards were clearly marked and the rules of the games meticulously defined. There was no question what my goals were as a player. The only question was if I had the skill to hit the targeted sections I needed.
As we enter this new year, the same question holds true throughout my life: do I have the skill to hit the targets?
Well, yeah. I just have to define what those targets are and I mean really define them. It’s not enough to say that I want to lose some weight, get healthier, or be more organized. I have to be specific – as specific as hitting a double six with my last dart to close out a game of 501. So, I will share with you the resolutions I am making to myself, the goals I am setting for myself:
Reduce my size so that I can wear my size six clothes again. (That will actually be the natural result of keeping the following resolutions related to increasing my level of health.)
Go to the gym at least four days a week. (I stand or walk a minimum of nine hours each night at work; however, I’m still not getting the aerobic or strength training I need, in spite of what I tell myself.)
Reduce my diet soda intake to no more than 12 ounces a day.
Increase my water intake to at least 72 ounces a day.
Reintroduce an animal protein-free day into my diet each week.
Reintroduce a fish day into my diet each week.
Reduce my wheat intake to two servings a week.
Resume careful portion control and food intake documentation.
Establish and maintain house, car and dog cleaning schedule.
Remove useless and/or meaningless objects from my house. (In other words, I’ve got all kinds of crap in my living space and in my attic that does nothing but take up space and give all the dust bunnies a place to hide. That crap’s gotta go. I’m thinking eBay. Thoughts, anyone?)
That’s enough to get me going, don’t you think? I’ve already started on a few of them and am excited to at least have some feeling of order and control in my life again. I’ve got my darts in my hands and am aiming for that triple 20 to make this year a better scoring one that last year.
What are your plans for the new year?
Thoughts about everything and nothing in an effort to be a better person than I was yesterday.
The Daily Doty 