Yesterday, I caught sight of my reflection and I look … I look … well, I look pregnant. I’m not, but I look it. (Pick yourself up off the floor, Ramona. I haven’t seen in you ages, but, girl, Ida called with that.) I’m so swollen up, I look like I swallowed a watermelon. I’ve got sausages for fingers and I don’t even want to discuss my cankles. I’m eating everything in sight. I’m irritable. I’m cranky. My body hurts. Wait a minute, that sounds like….. No, I’m really not.
Last week, I shared with you some of my recent introspection. While I wouldn’t say that I’m “proud” of my self-awareness, I would say that it’s a pretty handy skill to have. Still, although I thought I had identified my eating trigger, my binge hasn’t stopped. I’m puzzled and annoyed. My old stand by coping skill wasn’t working. So, I went over it all again, looking for an additional blown emotional fuse. And guess what I found. Nothing.
More frustrated than ever, I looked at other factors, including a prescription shot I was recently given in preparation for an upcoming procedure. When I started looking at its possible side effects, I found my answer. Weight gain. Check. Depression. Bingo! I think I found my culprit. However, since it was a one-time injection, it’s not like I can stop taking the chemical to restore balance. So, I have to find some other way to deal with it. My solution was to sit down and talk with myself.
So, I did. Here’s an excerpt of the conversation.
Me: Princess, you know you’ve got to do something about this. Your clothes are tight and you feel really bad; so, what’s the plan?
Princess: It’s the medicine. It causes weight gain and depression. It’s not my fault. It’ll be over in three months. Let’s just deal with it later.
(On hearing this, my very own inner Jiminy Cricket – Clotille Jones pushed me out of the way and took over.) Clotille: “Deal with it later?” “Deal with it later?” Did I just hear you say, “deal with it later?” Girl, you look like Hell and you feel even worse. Your knees and feet hurt and it’s no wonder with that big ole, swoll up belly you’re wagging around. If you “deal with it later” you’ll be buying clothes in the camping supply section again. We gon’ deal with this right now!
Princess: But I can’t. The fatigue, the 60-hour work weeks, solar flares – I just can’t deal with it right now.
Clotille: Woman. You are an intelligent being. You are not powerless. Plan ahead. Deal with the side effects – they ain’t making you leave your dirty clothes on the floor. You’re doing that. They didn’t buy that Dream chocolate frozen dessert. You did. Act like a grown up. You ain’t no cartoon Disney princess, honey. You are a descendant of Vikings. Viqueen up and let’s do this.
That Clotille just doesn’t cut me any slack. She is Queen of the Come to Jesus Meetings and, well she should be. Otherwise, my life would be in utter and complete shambles. She’s blunt, but she’s right. I am a sentient being. And, although there are outside forces acting on both my body and my mind right now, I am far from powerless.
I can make better choices. I must. And I have to remember the continuing process of going from wish, want, & will to am & did.