…and I’m the moose (mouse)!
Robert Burns penned the poem “To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough” that we often quasi-quote when we say that, “The best laid plans of mice and men do often go awry.” Burns said, “The best-laid schemes o’ mice an ‘men
Gang aft agley.” But, since I don’t speak Broad Scots, I’m going with the first one. My best laid plans yesterday certainly did go awry.
As I told you, I was to have a permanent birth control procedure. I’d done the prep-work with the shot that has given me six straight weeks of PMS (aren’t you sorry you don’t live at my house?!), constant cravings, mood swings, depression, all kinds of fun stuff. Additionally, I was grieving the death of my dream of more children and fighting with my inner 25-year-old who insisted that I was just ruining everything! (Turns out, my inner 25-year-old throws a toddler worthy temper tantrum.) Even with all of this, I knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and that the procedure was going to be a good one for me.
Until it wasn’t.
Right. I went in, got all doped up, prepped and everything only to have the procedure not work. It involves placing coils in a particular position inside a woman’s fallopian tubes, then allowing the body to build scar tissue around them. The coils would not go into the proper position; so, my sweet doctor (I really do just love her) apologized a million times and said that we would have to pursue another option since this one just was not going to work for me.
So, it turns out that I worked myself up into a fever pitch of female hormones for nothing.
Except not exactly for nothing, right? The event gave me the opportunity to examine a dream I was holding onto. Was I holding onto it because I really wanted it or was I holding onto it out of habit? I believe that it’s healthy to examine those things from time to time just to be sure. While our good dreams help us move forward, our habit dreams hold us back. Without examination, we cannot tell the one from the other.
One of my favorite quotes on that subject comes from Alan Alda. He said, “Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” We can easily substitute dreams or beliefs for assumptions without affecting the validity of the statement. Without challenging our own minds, habits, beliefs, assumptions, dreams, goals, etc., we can easily become stagnant. So, my examination led me to conclude that my dream at this point is for imaginary babies, not the ones that come with 2-am feedings and teething – the ones that require me to have lots of energy to play and lots of patience to teach – the ones like the one I had 21 years ago. I adored being the mother of that small boy and I still adore being the mother of that man. But, I have to be honest with myself and admit that I don’t really want to do that again. The joy of being a parent is overwhelming; however, so is the work involved. So, it’s time to scrub off that window and look at the world a little differently without that habit dream in it.
Today, the window is still a little cloudy, but I am confident that it will clear up, giving me a new vision for my future. I’m a little excited to see what that will be!