Okay, so last week I warned you that I was going to be all over the place with my subject matter. Then I disappeared. Sorry about that. But, really, this work schedule is beating me like I’m a rented mule! The schedule goes only through the 23rd, though; so, I should be able to get back to normal soon. In the meantime, here’s the first random subject: dreams and letting go of them.
I guess that I was in the 7th or 8th grade when I decided what I wanted to be when I grew up: a neurosurgeon. And to that end, I read book after book on the subject of the brain, its diseases, cancers, treatments, cures, etc. I was (and still am) fascinated with how the organ works and how it interfaces with the mind, each exerting control over the other. I wanted to go to undergraduate school at Johns Hopkins or Tulane, and medical school at Johns Hopkins. But, that wasn’t how it worked. I went to Mississippi State and I hit a brick wall in chemistry.
I have a problem with math. And, if you didn’t already know, chemistry is not science. It’s math masquerading as science. It destroyed me. And the dream I’d held for years. I had nothing to replace it with and went into a serious tailspin. It was incredibly difficult to let go of that dream and I foundered for years.
Today, I let go of another one: more children. (Men, you may want to stop reading now if girl talk makes you squirm.) Today, I have a permanent birth control procedure putting an end to that dream.
As you well know, I adore my son and would trade nothing on this planet or in my imagination for him. I know that had I gotten my wish of more children, he would be a different man than he is and I would not want that. However, in that way of dreams, I want him to be the person he is and I wanted more children. My pregnancy was physically easy; however, emotionally, it was hardly the way I had always dreamt it would be. I had always dreamt that the father would love me and would be thrilled at the impending arrival of the little person we made together. It didn’t play out quite that way then and it hasn’t happened since. So, now I’m 47 and the time has come to put that particular dream to bed.
And, the truth is, I’m grieving over it.
I have a truly wonderful son who is my favorite person in the whole wide world. That’s more than many people can say and I do realize and appreciate how fortunate I am. Dreams are greedy, though, aren’t they? Well, mine are, anyway. In the face of all that I have, I still wanted more.
I still do and I may yet be able to have it!
In my twenties, I had no replacement for my dream career. Now, I do have a replacement for the dream babies I wanted (and I hear that these may actually be better!): grandchildren.