As I’ve shared with you before, dairy and my system are in a constant combative state.  Milk and soft cheeses have always produced an, um, unattractive result with my digestive tract. For whatever reason, though, hard cheeses, yogurt and fat free dairy didn’t create such a violent reaction; so, I thought I was fine to eat those.

Wrong. (Ever notice how often I say that?)

I haven’t eaten much yogurt lately – not by design, I just haven’t bought it.  Well, a couple of weeks ago, I walked to the grocery store at lunch and got a container of it.  That afternoon, I noticed that I had kind of a smokers’ cough.  (See Rick Harrison in Pawn Stars.) I thought that was a little interesting, but let it go.  A few days later, I ate another container and could feel the congestion when I breathed.  Hmmm.  Once is a fluke.  Twice is a coincidence.  Would it happen three times? Would it be established as a pattern?

I know you’re sitting on pins and needles at this point; so, I’m just going to go ahead and tell you, yes.  Yes, it did become a pattern.

I ate some fat-free, no sugar added yogurt this morning.  It was blueberry – my favorite – and very tasty.  I coughed  and had to clear my throat throughout a 9 AM training meeting.  Rats.  So, no more dairy for me.

Several years ago, I spent a huge amount of time (and money) with several doctors, including pulmonologists, because of a fourteen day cycle I was on.  Every two weeks, I would be unable to breathe.  With each cough (more of a bark, really), I felt like my bronchi were sticking together.  I felt like I was suffocating; but, I sounded like I was practicing to become the new seal act at Sea World. Breathing was exhausting.  Then, after three days, it would clear up.  Two weeks later, it would start again.  I now wonder how much my diet played into the cycle.  Just so you know, I won’t revert to that size or diet for ANY gain in scientific knowledge.  That one is just gonna have to remain a mystery.

For my aunt Judy, it’s bread that makes her cough.  For my sister, bread makes her knees hurt.  For me, dairy is the great saboteur.  What might it be for you?

My sister spoke with her orthopedist this week about food and joint inflammation.  While he could not confirm that food allergies contributed to pain (saying that the science isn’t there yet), he couldn’t refute it, either.  The anecdotal evidence is too strong.  His advice?  If it’s working for you, keep doing it.  If removing wheat from your diet makes you feel better, get your grains some other way.  If dairy is a killer, find other sources of protein and calcium.  There are other sources for those macro and micro-nutrients.  Find them.  For the sake of your body, your health and to cure yourself of the crankypants syndrome chronic pain induces – find them.

The other night, my son and I watched some show called Supermarket Superstars that, frankly, set my blood to boiling.  The idea behind the show is to take a home cook’s idea into the supermarket.  The episode we saw was in the “health food” category.  The contestants were: 1. a protein bar made with cricket flour, 2. a “healthy” alternative to apple pie called an apple bomb, and 3. gluten-free (thus “healthy”) whoopie pies.

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

The protein bar was loaded with honey and nut butter in addition to high quality protein.  The apple bomb was, in fact, a calorie bomb.  The whoopie pies were actually gluten free but LOADED with sugar.  I’d have to know more about the cricket bar to comment on it; but, as far as I could see, these last two contestants might have been healthier than, say, a spoonful of lard dipped in corn syrup.  However, they were lighter on the “healthy” part than we should accept as consumers.

I’m going to share a personal belief that you may find scandalous; so, hold on.  I believe that the food industry is lying to us. They are boxing up pre-made Frankenfood and are telling us that it is Healthy (usually in bright letters, too).  It’s a healthy choice, a smart option, low fat, low carb, low sodium, no trans-fat, no palm oil, all natural, etc., etc., etc.

It’s a lie.

Any packaged food item other than honey with shelf life of several years is unnatural.  You can bet that if your bread doesn’t mold after a few days, then it’s just like Joan Rivers – it’s got lots of parts that just ain’t found in nature. I don’t care what the package says: that is not good for us.

Milk should spoil. Vegetables should rot. Meat should go off.  These are organic substances and the natural progression of their life cycles involves an end.

Today’s chips don’t go stale. Canned vegetables last forever.  Jarred sauces can be left as a legacy.  And we have more cancer, more food sensitivity, more celiac disease, higher rates of infertility, ADD, diabetes, hypertension, obesity, etc.  Direct link?  Well, I can’t prove it; but, I’d say the circumstantial evidence is fairly overwhelming.  I’m pretty sure Perry Mason would take the case.

Here’s what I think: it’s not the front of the package that matters.  It’s the back.  All the misleading health claims in the world will be exploded when we just read the ingredient list: partially hydrogenated, corn syrup, sugar, salt, monosodium glutamate.  Watch words on any container.

What’s the back of your can look like?

Frankenfood is cheap and you can use coupons to buy it.  Good thing, too, since anyone who eats it regularly is going to need that money later on for medical bills!

Harsh?  Yes.  But, the truth ain’t always pretty.

I generally shop by circular; but, I rarely coupon for food.  Popcorn and cereal are about the only two foods I regularly buy that come in a box and might possibly have coupons somewhere in the universe for them.  In my town, we have several grocery stores – Food Lion, Kroger, Walmart, Super Target, Publix and Aldi.  Let me just tell you right now…I love me some Aldi – even if they don’t take coupons!  When I get ready to shop, I gather all the circulars, and make my list based on what’s on sale.  Beside each item, I put the price from each store listing iit in their circular. (I know. 1. it’s weird, and 2. It takes a long time.  It saves me a ton of money.  So, there.)  I take that list and a cooler and head out to start my shopping.

Grocery shopping to me is a game.  How much can I get for how little?  It’s similar to super-couponers only I’m not using many coupons and I’m buying real food.  I start at Aldi, go to Food Lion, then Kroger, then Publix.  The giant discounters get in the mix every great now and then; but, their prices are rarely competitive enough for them to make the trip worthwhile.  Typically, they’ve got one loss-leader; but, I’m not battling the hordes for one thing.

The reason I shop at Aldi first is that, even without coupons or sale items, they normally beat all of the other stores prices – even their sale prices.  For instance, yesterday I stopped by on my way home.  I got kiwi fruit for .20 cents.  Plantains were .39 each.  Tuna in water – .69 a can. Large eggs – 1.19 a dozen.  Mangoes – .49.  Fresh asparagus – 2.99/lb. Zucchini – 1.00/lb.  Fresh ground chicken – 2.89/lb.  For less than $65, I got enough fresh fruit, vegetables and meat for two adults to last for two weeks.  Okay, I may have to run back for some salad stuff; but, their prices, I can fill in that gap for around $10 next week.

When I’m doing my regular shopping, after I finish at Aldi, I head to Food Lion, then Kroger, then Publix because that is how the pricing rises.  Food Lion tends to be less expensive on regular pricing, then Kroger, then Publix, although each of those stores does have some specialty item that I get only there.  Kroger has a great store brand of natural peanut butter and Publix has some different vegetables in their extensive produce department.

I realize that super couponers may get off cheaper than $20 per person a week; however, they are not doing it buying real food.  And canned sauces, boxed dinners, frozen pizza and other Frankenfoods are going to cost us all a great deal in the long run.  I think it’s much better to pay a little extra now, enjoy real food AND the benefits of better health!

So, use the coupons on your soap and toothbrushes.  Buy your food for real.

The other day I mentioned that a friend had just made it to One-derland for the first time in over 20 years.  The truth is, the friend is my sister Chele. (Don’t give me that look.  She outed herself already.)  And I am so proud for her I can hardly stand it!  That number was an enormous mental hurdle that had stood for a long time.  It was really difficult to take on and overcome.  But she did it!  She mentioned that I had been helpful; but, the truth is that she deserves 100% of the credit for changing her lifestyle and beginning to reap the health benefits.

Lying her in bed, she hurt.  Her whole skeleton ached and she felt like garbage.  She thought, “I’m too young to feel this bad.” So, she began to make changes.  That’s how it happens.

No one ever quit drinking, smoking, or eating poorly because someone nagged them into it.  I do not believe that anyone has ever been saved from anything by nagging (although it’s possible some people may have disappeared for doing it).  People change when they get ready to.

I smoked for the better part of 20 years – sometimes more than two packs a day – and I quit when I got ready to.  I was overweight for most of my life. I ate nutritionally bankrupt food and was sedentary.  I ate better and exercised when I got ready to.

And, my sister made changes when she got ready to.

Even after just a few weeks of cleaner eating, she noticed a huge jump in her energy level.  She went four days this week without her knee brace!  Unheard of.  She sleeps the night through and she looks great!  Her skin and hair look healthier and she moves with greater ease.  Now, she’s not exercising because, well, her knees are just shot.  They are awful….seriously, telethon worthy; so, walking is out, running was never in the equation and I’m not sure she can even use a stationary bike.  She is seeing these health improvements with dietary changes alone.  She is eating more fruit and vegetables, less meat, nearly no wheat and limited dairy.  She is rediscovering that natural foods are the key to good health.  She is discovering that processed foods really do make us feel awful.  One fast-food hamburger caused a several-day episode of knee pain.  She told me that the temptations of former treats are easier to resist if she thinks of those foods as what they really are – poisons.

At one time, we probably all knew that, but we’ve forgotten it with the convenience of the drive-thru and the TV dinner.  If we are going to take back our health, we are going to have to remember that whole foods are the source of that health.

I am so thrilled that she is feeling better and that she is really beginning to enjoy the benefits of better food choices.  It’s a privilege to hear her excitement at having overcome such a huge mental hurdle and I look forward to her continued better health.  After all, I’ve got plans for us in our old age!

“Wow!  That’s a lot of weight! How did you did it?” people ask. (Insert expectant face of a child on Christmas Eve.)

“I kept a food diary, ate more vegetables, less processed food, less starch and started exercising,” I reply. (Insert face of the same child on Christmas morning having received only underwear.)

People are so disappointed when I tell them how I lost weight.  Everyone wants a get-thin-quick story, a magic bullet, some miracle drug or powder.  Sorry.  Ain’t happening.  You’re reading this; so, you have some sense which means that you know that a diet of pizza, hamburgers, fries and candy is going to make you fat.

When I was in grade school, the recommended food servings were 4-4-3-2, four servings of fruit & vegetables, four of grains, three of dairy and two of meat. There was a television show called Mulligan Stew that actually sang songs about it.  (Don’t laugh!  We ate that stuff up!)  The USDA guidelines have changed and, honestly, I don’t understand them now.  Everything is a percentage.  Um.  Hello?  I do plan my food loosely, but math isn’t my thing and to break it down to percentages? To quote Miss Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

Most of us are too busy living our lives!

Even so, we don’t get a free pass.  We know what we ought to be eating.  We know that crash diets don’t work for most people.  We know that chemical diet aids often artificially accelerate the metabolism, sometimes damaging the heart.  We know that we can’t shake something onto our ice cream and lose weight.  We know all of this; but, we want to believe the hype … so we do.

But our knowers know better.

Our knowers know that we have to eat more vegetables (about 75% of our plates is a good measure), less meat in general and that the meat we do eat should be leaner and less processed. They know that we need less bread, less sugar, less salt.  Did you notice that I didn’t say less fat?  Fat-free is the great dietary switcheroo, in my opinion. Salad dressings, crackers, cookies, chips, yogurts, whatever are touted as being better for us because they have less or even no fat.  Liar, liar pants on fire!  Manufacturers have to make up the lost fat flavor somewhere; so, they get it from added sugar and salt.  Read the labels.  Look at the calorie counts.  Fat free foods aren’t doing us any good.  If they were, we wouldn’t be fatter than ever and Snackwells Devils Food cookies would have won a Nobel Prize.

There’s no get-thin-quick story, magic bullet, miracle drug or powder. But we already knew that.  Even if those solutions work short-term, without lifestyle changes, they won’t work long-term and, in our hearts, we know that, too.

Whole foods eaten as closely as possible to the way nature made them are the ticket.  We must stay out of the middle of the grocery store where Frankenfood lives. (Except for kettle corn.  Kettle corn is a gift from the gods.)  We have to shop the outside edges – the produce, meat, and dairy departments, with a tiny stop at the bakery for whole grains. That’s where the nutrition is.  That’s what our bodies need.

Our knowers know it and so do we.

When we were kids, my sister once tripped me as I was running across the den.  I hit the sofa leg with my face, busting my lip (a scar I wear to this day and the ONLY thing that keeps me from looking exactly like Ann-Margaret).  Well, I don’t think so, missy!  While I was in genuine pain, I remember actually thinking that I ought to cry harder to make sure she got in big trouble.  I did.  She did. Mission accomplished.

So, my sister and I are no longer children; but, I’m still getting her into all kinds of stuff.  This time, though, it was a good thing.

A couple of months ago I challenged her to do some kind of two-week mostly vegetarian diet with me.  I figured that it would jump-start us both and, even if we didn’t lose any weight, we wouldn’t do any harm.  I issued the challenge, lost the link and promptly forgot the whole thing.  You know … like I do.  In fact, I still can’t find the program I challenged her to!  Anyway, she actually started it at the beginning of July.

I knew something was up when she texted me a “confession.”  I’m thinking, “Confess what?”  But, since our mama didn’t raise no fools, I kept my face shut and let the woman keep talking.  She was confessing that she had given into temptation, eaten a fast food hamburger and that the effects had been surprising – really surprising.

Now, let me back up a little bit.

I told you about a friend I have whose knees are in such bad shape that walking for exercise is out of the question.  Well, that was actually my sister.  It makes me wince just to think about them.  Anyway, she eats OTC pain relievers like candy and cannot sleep through the night without them waking her.

Then she changed her food.

She noticed that her knees let her sleep through the night, but didn’t make the correlation. I mean, who would, right?  You don’t automatically tie joint pain in with what you’re eating. She didn’t make that correlation UNTIL she ate that hamburger and her knees woke her with pain that night.  Wow!

When she told me that, I was blown away.  Then, I figured it was psychosomatic. But, that wouldn’t be – she hadn’t been running any kind of experiment.  She hadn’t been looking for any result; so, how could she imagine one? Crazy, huh?

She’s pretty convinced that it was the bread that caused the reaction.  I know that bread makes me feel bloated and retain fluid.  It makes my aunt Judy cough.  I don’t see why it couldn’t cause inflammation that would result in joint pain.  More research will undoubtedly be done on this by These Doty Girls.  I’ll let you know if we figure anything out.

In the meantime, she has reverted to her new, primarily plant-based, diet and is sleeping through the night.  She said yesterday that the trick making it easier for her to skip the junk food is to think of it as poison or as an allergen.  Doughnuts are less attractive when you think of them as poison ivy.

She is working to give her body clean fuel and, guess what? Her body is rewarding her for it! Gold star!

So, maybe it was okay that I got her into this one….