Friends Happen, Too

December 1, 2014 dotyness Leave a comment

Having worked in aviation for well over two decades, I’ve been around aircraft hangars for so long that I don’t really appreciate how huge they are. They were always just everyday items that I didn’t really think much about – kind of like spoons, albeit really big spoons. Then, in Seattle visiting my son, we drove by the Boeing hangars. Holy cow! These things are so massive that although my eyes saw them and knew them as familiar objects, my mind could not wrap itself around the massive buildings. I looked into familiar looking doors, but rather than seeing eight-passenger Lear jets, I saw village-capacity 777s. I couldn’t process what I was seeing. They were just too big.

Kind of like realizing that people who don’t have to, love you anyway.

When my father told me that he wanted my son home for Christmas and that he would buy the ticket, I was way too excited to keep it to myself. I went to work glowing and told a couple of people what my father was doing. I told a couple of people.

Throughout the night, way more than a couple of people came up to me and said that they had heard that my son was going to be able to come home for Christmas, after all. I accepted their congratulations, but thought it was a little weird that so many people that I hadn’t told knew about it anyway. Well, then, one of them told me why so many of them knew.

It seems that one of them had decided to take up a collection to buy the ticket and that several others had already contributed or were planning to at payday.

Wow.

I found out about this over a week ago and it still stuns me. Like the hangar, my mind is struggling to process the information it has received. I really do love so many of those young people I work with. It was overwhelming to find out that they love me, as well. It’s just too big for my brain to process.

You know, love sneaks up on you sometimes. When I first showed up to work, I was nervous, knew no one and was resentful that my life was not going the way I wanted it to. I had bills to pay and this was how I was going to do it. I wasn’t looking for friends. I was just there to do a job. Days passed and I settled in to do the tasks before me as best I could. In my position as peer coach, I spoke directly with many of my coworkers, learning about them, how they came to be there, what they wanted out of the job and some of their aspirations. I heard stories of people out to earn a little Christmas cash, of people who (like me) had hit a hiccup in their careers, of people whose retirement funds were not lasting the way they needed, of people working their ways through school, and of people who don’t plan that far ahead. They lived one day at a time. I heard stories from people whose life experiences were similar to my own and from people whose lives I could not even imagine. I grew to admire and love many of them. They (like me and my beloved son) are not perfect, but I do love my work children and they love me back – warts and all.

Amazing. Humbling. And still bigger than my head can wrap itself around.

Family

Dads Happen

November 28, 2014 dotyness 4 Comments

Last week I shared with you my extreme sorrow that I could not bring my son home for Christmas. In addition to telling you about it, I also had to tell my father. Dad’s response was both quick and direct, “Nope. Not this year. I want to hug that boy’s neck.” So, it’s Papa to the rescue once again.

And my heart sings! 😀

Those two have been thick as thieves right from the get-go. My father has this wonderfully resonant voice that rumbles when he talks. I think that all babies love the sound of it. I KNOW that my baby did. On the rare occasions when the baby was fussy, Papa could calm him just by talking to him. As soon as he was mobile, Jaegar became my father’s shadow at any and every opportunity. If Papa was on the couch watching baseball eating chips and salsa, then so was a diapered toddler. I had never seen a small child eat salsa like that before. If it was pickled herring in cream sauce for Papa while watching the news, then it was absolutely the same for Jaegar. (He’s still a monster salsa eater, but not so much on the herring anymore.) They built things. They fixed things. They went fishing. They went hunting. They went camping, canoeing, and just did all kinds of chest-thumping-guy-stuff. They were – and are – buddies.

And the buddies will be together again for Christmas.

So, just as I told you some things that Children Don’t Know last week, I learned something that this child had forgotten: wonderful fathers hurt for even their grown children and those fathers will do all within their power to make the hurt go away. And, yes, with a doubt, I have a wonderful father.

Social Issues

Thanksgiving Proclamation 1789

November 27, 2014 dotyness 1 Comment

[New York, 3 October 1789]

By the President of the United States of America, a Proclamation.

Whereas it is the duty of all Nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey his will, to be grateful for his benefits, and humbly to implore his protection and favor– and whereas both Houses of Congress have by their joint Committee requested me to recommend to the People of the United States a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many signal favors of Almighty God especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness.

Now therefore I do recommend and assign Thursday the 26th day of November next to be devoted by the People of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being, who is the beneficent Author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be– That we may then all unite in rendering unto him our sincere and humble thanks–for his kind care and protection of the People of this Country previous to their becoming a Nation–for the signal and manifold mercies, and the favorable interpositions of his Providence which we experienced in the course and conclusion of the late war–for the great degree of tranquility, union, and plenty, which we have since enjoyed–for the peaceable and rational manner, in which we have been enabled to establish constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national One now lately instituted–for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed; and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful knowledge; and in general for all the great and various favors which he hath been pleased to confer upon us.

and also that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations and beseech him to pardon our national and other transgressions– to enable us all, whether in public or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties properly and punctually–to render our national government a blessing to all the people, by constantly being a Government of wise, just, and constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed–to protect and guide all Sovereigns and Nations (especially such as have shewn kindness unto us) and to bless them with good government, peace, and concord–To promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the encrease of science among them and us–and generally to grant unto all Mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as he alone knows to be best.

Given under my hand at the City of New York the third day of October in the year of our Lord 1789.

Go: Washington

Body Changes, Food, Thought Patterns

Big Trucks and Big Trunks

November 26, 2014 dotyness Leave a comment

My friend David drives a big truck. One of his frustrations with drivers of cars is that they whip in front of him, leaving little room for him to stop if he needs to. The legal weight of a tractor trailer (without additional permits) is 80,000 pounds or 40 tons. Compare that to the average car which weighs around 5,000 pounds or 2.5 tons. It doesn’t take a physicist to figure out that it take a lot more time and space to stop that tractor trailer than it does to stop a car. Momentum and inertia are just HUGE.

Those same physical forces are pretty huge in the mind of a healthy eater, as well.

Now, stop it! I heard you say, “Oh, c’mon, Goddess! You’re really reaching now.” Okay, so first, thanks for finally addressing me properly. 🙂 And second, no – no, I’m not. Follow me here.

Your 30th high school class reunion is in October – like mine will be next year (yikes!). In late August, you realize that you’ve been to a few too many barbecues over the summer and popped the top on a few too many cold ones. You have 15 pounds to lose to be where you want to be for the celebration. You realize this, of course, just after you’ve polished off a slab of ribs, a generous scoop of potato salad and two helpings of Aunt Sally’s banana pudding. You start your reducing diet the next morning. You eat nothing but twigs and grass; but, after Day Five, you see no difference in either the numbers on the scale or the dunlap disease you’ve got going on with your blue jeans. (Dunlap disease. Remember that? It’s when your stomach has done lapped over your pants.) You get frustrated. Sound familiar?

Well, honey, your momentum was going up on the scales. Your semi was all loaded up with all those carbs that your body still had to store before it could get to using those stores. It took a while for that bad boy to come to a stop. You’ve got to stop the big truck before you can start unloading the big trunk, you see.

That’s both pretty simple and pretty self-evident. But. I still get frustrated by the delay. Like every. single. time. It’s important to remember that our bodies neither stop nor turn on a dime. We have to give them time to adjust to things. So, although I’ve corrected my over-snacking and poor food choices, I won’t see a difference in my pants for a week or two. I have to allow myself to be human and not a quick weight loss advertisement with all of its smoke, mirrors and gimmicks. I have to let my body to use (and maybe even continue to store) the extra calories I ate recently. I know that eventually, it will run out of the excess and it will start working on the stored energy that is making my jeans tight.

I have to have patience for the process and not let my efforts get jackknifed by the lack of immediate results.

Body Changes, Cravings, Depression

The Button of Truth

November 25, 2014 dotyness 4 Comments

Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of men? The Shadow may know that. But, who knows what calorie-laden sweets linger on the hips of mankind? The Blue Jean has that one covered.

As I’ve told you, I have not been careful with my food intake for, oh, about a month now. Last night, I firmly felt and saw the results. Oy.

I’ve known that I was gaining a little weight; but, I was using that old standby method of denial – elastic! And as we established just forEVER ago, Satan did, in fact, invent yoga pants. But, last night, I didn’t wear yoga pants. I wore my jeans. Well, most of me wore my jeans. There was some spillage over the top until everything got all stretched out. Muffin top. Yech.

I’ve earned it. And it’s not even the holidays yet; so, I can’t blame it on holiday eating! This is just plain, old emotional eating. Thankfully, I have been able to slow it down since I identified the emotions which started the whole thing. Now, I just have to deal with the aftermath, which, if I’m not careful, could lead from Depression Eating straight into Guilt Gorging. Neither of these activities or mental locations appeared in The Princess Bride; however, I’m fairly certain that if the book had been written by a woman, there would have been no Fire Swamp, but rather the Gorge of Nervous Snacking. And there would not have been large rats. There would have been huge trees of Little Debbie cakes, potato chip flowers and a river of melted Phish Food. (I’ll let you enjoy that calorie festival vision for just a second.)

I told myself that I hadn’t done too much damage – just a pound or two; but, my jeans showed that as a lie I’ve been selling myself with a side of lycra. But, just as Wonder Woman’s golden lasso will reveal any falsehood, so will the waistband of my blue jeans. And, honey, did those show my deception last night! Thankfully, as I’ve said, I’ve already been able to slow the process to a near halt and I’ll reverse it because I know that I can and, to be in the kind of physical condition I want to be, I must.

As I’ve known all along (but need to be reminded occasionally apparently) self lies are the most dangerous. Thankfully, I have a couple of sets of lie detectors in my closet.

Social Issues

Seriously, Read the Whole Book

November 24, 2014 dotyness 1 Comment

So, I was in the express lane at the grocery store the other day when the woman in front of me reached into her bag to pay for her purchases. My eye was caught first by the gorgeous diamond ring she was wearing, second by the Louis Viutton bag she reached into, third by the Louis Vuitton wallet she pulled out of that bag and finally by the SNAP ebt card she pulled out of that wallet.

“Well, isn’t that just typical?” I thought.

Then, I caught myself. I had to ask what I really know about that woman. Is that a real diamond? Are the purse and wallet real? If they all are, did she once have a great-paying job and lose it? Is she a system leech? The truth is, I don’t know. I know literally nothing about that woman other than what I saw at first glance, which is to say – still – nothing.

I hadn’t read the book. I’d only seen the cover.

The whole incident reminded me of an article I read several months ago in the Washington Post – This is what happened when I drove my Mercedes to pick up food stamps. Take a few minutes to read that. It’s truly enlightening, if you choose to let it be. The woman and her husband were neither the Haves nor that Have Nots. They were the Once Hads.

And there are lots of us.

I work in an industrial setting. I make about a quarter of what I made two years ago. I went nearly a whole year with no income at all and nearly bankrupted myself trying to sell insurance – a job I’m not well-suited for. I worry about money all the time. I don’t make enough to keep up, but I make too much to get help.

And I’m not alone.

In that industrial setting, I work with more college graduates and even advanced degree holders than you can imagine. I work with former business owners who, like me, are not at all convinced that this recession is over, regardless of what the news says. We are all constantly looking for jobs that will pay us salaries closer to what we used to make; but, those jobs are tougher to find than you might imagine (and I seriously hope that the truths I’m sharing here don’t torpedo my efforts).

In the last two years of feeling like I constantly have my hand out asking for something, owing more people than I can consider if I want to sleep at all, and working harder to make less than I’ve ever made in my life, I’ve learned a great deal. I was much less socially compassionate than I thought I was when I was able to make ends meet. People just needed to worker harder or find better paying jobs. If it’s this hard for me with a degree, how much harder is it for someone without one? How about that kid with a GED? Should she have taken out massive student loans to earn a degree which may not do her any good? What if she’s from an environment that just doesn’t see that as an option? How many minimum wage jobs does she have to work to be able to afford a place to live? I can tell you that when I was making good money, I had no clue how difficult it was at the bottom of the food chain.

Having read at least part of the book, I have a better understanding now.

Family, Motivation

Forward Ho!

November 20, 2014 dotyness Leave a comment

(But don’t call me Ho.)

I’ve been on a reading kick for a few months now and have annihilated my library’s Robert Crais collection. I just love his main two characters: Elvis Cole and Joe Pike. I was truly upset when I read the last of the books. I will miss those two friends until Crais publishes another one. (Psst! Mr. Crais, if you’re reading this – do a woman a solid and write faster, huh? I miss the guys and the black cat.) Elvis is verbose and irreverent while Joe is silent and unreadable. Joe has distinctive red arrow tattoos on his deltoids. The arrows point forward and are a testament to his belief that the only thing to do is to keep going and that the only way to go is forward.

In addition to what I shared with you yesterday, during our text conversation on Tuesday, my son also said to me, “We’ll make it Mother dear. There is only direction and it is forward.” My boy – Joe Pike.

If you’ve been with me through this blog’s journey, you know that the last couple of years have been very difficult for me and, really, for much of my family. I’ve tried to be honest with you throughout everything without oversharing. I’m pretty sure that sometimes I still overshare; however, I have come to believe that even that “error” is a good thing. While most of you don’t comment in the section here (ahem), many of you send messages to me behind the scenes. Overwhelmingly, the common theme to those messages is: I thought I was the only one.

No, you’re not the only one.

We share a common human condition even if we try to put a brave face on it. I believe that a sense of humor is absolutely crucial for enduring difficulties. However, as you know, I lose mine from time to time. I begin to feel overwhelmed by my current trials or by the trials of those I love and cannot help. Sometimes, it just seems like too much to bear. And it would be, if we had to bear it alone.

But we don’t.

We are more superficially connected than ever before in the history of mankind; however, we simultaneously often feel more isolated than ever. We post the highlights of our lives on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and, and, and. We know that we are showing a highly edited version of our lives where checkbooks always balance, dogs never poop in the floor, alarm clocks always go off and socks never go missing in the wash. But, we see the red ink in our checkbooks and know that we are presenting only a partial truth. Yet, we see the posts of others and assume that their posts are the Whole Truth, the Real Truth. We see our friends in Pleasantville while we struggle in Amityville. And we feel worse. Somewhere in our minds we know that they live just down the street in Amityville, too, but we are still more apt to believe the Pleasantville fiction.

Well, I’m going to sit right here and tell you that I’m in Amityville and that I’ve seen your mailbox on my street. I’m not alone and neither are you. There is only one option for us and that is to continue to work through our difficulties. There is only one direction for us and that is forward. So, forward ho!

Surely, we can do this if we help each other. (But, don’t call me Shirley, either.)

Family

What Children Don’t Know

November 19, 2014 dotyness 1 Comment

So, after throwing my little pity party on Monday, I spent a large part of Tuesday pouting and a larger part of the day telling myself to get a grip (for crying out loud!). In the writing of Monday’s post, I determined what my real problem is. As I wrote, my real anxiety crystallized for me. The motive behind my violent snacking was (as I’m sure you’ve guessed) my inability to fly my son home for Christmas.

As you well know, I adore that man – and I do recognize that he is a man. He’s 21, after all. I relish conversations with him and take great joy in seeing the man that my baby, my boy has chosen to become. I was texting with him yesterday and told him that I could not buy the ticket for him to come home. I wanted to give him time to maybe crash Christmas with a friend or to arrange to work at a soup kitchen or whatever. His response was, “Mom, it’s okay if I can’t come back for Christmas. My first one away from home had to be sometime.”

Here’s what I didn’t get at his age and what he didn’t get, either: It’s not about him. It’s about me – the mother.

My response to him was, “You could be 40 and I still wouldn’t be ready. [Explicative] whether you’re okay with it. I’m not!” And that, my friends, is the honest, selfish truth.

In my eyes, he is a handsome, full-grown man; but, in my heart, he is the baby who was jaundiced and had to be hospitalized at three days old. He is the toddler who played peep-eye by hiding under throw pillows. He is the boy with the wonderful imagination who could entertain himself for hours with a funnel. He is my baby chick and this mother hen wants him beneath her wing for the holiday.

But that’s not always how it works, is it?

Children are born wanting to do for themselves. They test their physical wings the moment they begin to hold their own heads up. We are delighted when they find their hands and feet; but, then they use those self-same hands and feet to explore the world and move away from us. Particularly as teens they test their emotional and mental wings. They have their own opinions. They form their own friendships. And, sometimes, we parents aren’t keen on either one!

Nevertheless, this is how it has been since we stopped existing in nomadic hunter/gatherer tribes. Children grow up. They establish lives of their own. They often move away.

And that is how it should be.

I must find the strength of my Scot and Dane foremothers who sent their babies across the ocean, never to see them again. Years ago, I saw some letters sent from the parents in Denmark to their children (my great-great grandparents) in Memphis. The letters were newsy and full of the banalities of life back in the Old Country. There were no photos. There were only words on paper to keep lives in touch. Just a few generations later, those lives no longer touch at all. I know none of my Andersen, Schultz or Schütt relatives. And I’m even further removed from my Scottish MacKenzie and McPherson relatives, and from my English Doty and Carson ones. So it goes in family diasporas.

Grateful I live in the age of the internet, I have the capability to Skype with my son on Christmas, and, better yet, his promise that we will.

Accountability, Body Changes, Cravings, Motivation

Means, Motive and Opportunity

November 17, 2014 dotyness 8 Comments

I awoke this morning to find carnage in my kitchen. At the center of the obvious crime scene were the ravaged remains of a bag of barbecue potato chips, a bag of multi-grain tortilla chips, a king sized Hershey bar with almonds and a container of Dream salted caramel gelato. Oh, the horror! The inhumanity! Who could have done such a thing?! Surely not I, the Positive Thinking Blog Goddess – Her Dotyness herself!

Johnny Cochran said, “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”

But, then, Cotille Jones (remember her?) said, “If yo ass shows swell, you guilty as hell!” It seems that Ms Jones has seen my jeans.

As I’ve mentioned to you before, I am an emotional binge eater and for about the last month, I’ve been struggling with it – like Godzilla versus Megalon type struggling. Small Japanese fishing villages have been torched in the fray. And I’ve been losing.

At first, I thought the cravings were just PMS (and they might have been), but that’s not the issue now. In public, I’m making good food choices; but, behind closed doors, I’m eating everything I can get my grubby little hands on. My cats have learned to be even stealthier than usual and my dogs sleep with one eye open. PMS cravings would have ended after just a few days. This has been going on for about a month. Now, the jeans that I could take off without unbuttoning a month ago are a real challenge to button at all. Not good. Clearly, something else is going on here.

My friend Russell told me years ago that I was one of the most self-aware people he knew. I like to think that I’m pretty self-aware; but, I like to think that I look a lot like a young Ann-Margret, too. Whatever my level of self-awareness, I am aware enough to know that to change my behavior, I have to figure out where it originates. If I want to stop my emotional binge-eating, I have to uncover the emotion(s) that is (are) causing it. To that end, I’ve been poking around in my mind to see what anxiety fuse has blown.

The suspects:

Money. Since my income dropped by about 75% last year, I’m always worried about money. Nothing has happened to change that; so, that’s certainly a contributor.
Holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. I have to work Thanksgiving; so, I’ll likely be asleep all day and working that night. The traditional holiday meal will likely be just like every other day’s meal. Since I’m not starving, that’s only a First World Problem. I don’t have to work Christmas; however, with money as tight as it is, I don’t see how I can fly my son home for the holiday. It will be our first one apart and just the thought of it is ripping me up, especially since it has been a year since I’ve seen him. Another First World Problem.
Health. I had some curious symptoms that were scaring me. Tests have shown that there’s nothing abnormal going on – no cancer. Relief.
Disappointment. I had an idea where I would be at this point in my life and I’m just not there. I’m trying very hard to get there, but it’s unbelievably difficult.

I worked at Complete Automotive Repair and Service in Metairie, LA. (Julie’s, to most of our customers.) We had this one customer who, when asked how she was, would always reply, “I don’t have any problems that money can’t solve. So, I guess I’m good.” That’s what I need to focus on. And I’m trying.

I don’t walk miles each day to get water of questionable safety. No mortars fall in my town. I don’t live in fear of being attacked every time I leave my front door. I don’t have to wear a burka or have a male escort to go anywhere. I can vote. I can publicly disagree with my government. I can practice any (or no) religion I choose. Stocked grocery stores are all over town. And I have my pick of doctors to see when I’m ill.

As long as I have food, clothing, shelter and health, the rest are just First World Problems that I should be grateful I have.

Then, how come I still want a brownie?

Thought Patterns

It Ain’t Walgreens

November 14, 2014 dotyness 1 Comment

You know how they have those feel good commercials with John Corbett cheerfully telling us that we can find our local Walgreen’s store at the corner of Happy and Healthy? Well, honey, I ain’t on that corner today.

I’m more on the corner of Where’s the Tequila and Hide the Sharp Objects.

To say that yesterday was full of trials is something of an understatement. On balance, the day was so close to a nightmare that you’d swear they were more than fraternal twins. There were a host of actual negative experiences and one super-positive potential one. At this point, I’m just wanting to go to bed and hit the reset button.

But, before I do that, I’m going to do three things:

1. I’m going to have a soothing cup of herbal tea.

2. I’m going to spend a few minutes remembering how much fun my weekend was on my whirlwind mini-vacation. I’m going to remember how wonderful it was to spend time with loved ones and to eat all that wonderful New Orleans food.

and

3. I’m going to ask you all to send me positive thoughts and waves of encouragement. If the thoughts of many can influence randomly generated computer numbers in blind tests (check out The Holographic Universe for more on that), surely, your positive thoughts can turn my potential positive into an actual one.

Now it’s time for that cup of tea.

Farewell until Monday.

The Daily Doty