Category Archives: Habits

Good behavior

The Positive-Thinking Blog Goddess Has Clay Feet

May 24, 2013 dotyness 3 Comments

Alright, to be honest, I have this title because I gave it to myself. I got tired of waiting on you guys to do it and Kathryn Hepburn said that “Well-behaved women rarely make history.” So, I commandeered it. Nobody else was using it, anyway.

The tiny little snag is that the title doesn’t exactly fit all of the time – the goddess has feet of clay. Like last night, for instance, this was my Facebook status:

“I’m exhausted. I’m cranky. I’m beginning to feel frayed. I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on Sunbeam bread, Ruffles chips, a diet coke and a piece of Ruby Carson’s coconut cake. I can’t have those (especially not the last one); so, I’m going to the gym to walk. Crap.”

Hardly the stuff of a Positive-Thinking Blog Goddess; however, since the goddess is actually just me, it works out as authentic, which is okay, too.

I didn’t want to go to the gym. I wanted comfort food loaded with carbs. I wanted my grandmother’s coconut cake. I wanted to eat every morsel of that, then fall into a sugar coma. Instead, I went to the gym and walked five miles. (If I walk 25 miles a week, I can fulfill the modified 300 Mile Challenge with the 501st Brigade Support Battalion.) The cranky Muppet part of me really wants to say that the walk and the endorphins did me no good – I should have just opened up the JIF. But, the truth is, I did feel better – not conquer-the-world better, but better, nevertheless.

Isn’t this exactly the kind of thing we’ve been talking about all along? If it were my nature to bebop on down to gym or pop out for a quick run all the time, I would never have had a weight problem, an attitude problem or any of my other myriad issues. I would be that happy-happy-happy all the time-time-time person and you would have turned away, nauseated, at my first post.

What we have been talking about and continue to talk about is changing our verbs and changing our behaviors, not our natures. I’m not sure we really CAN change our natures; but, I’m 100% certain that we can change our behaviors. I am also 100% certain that we cannot change our behaviors successfully 100% of the time, always doing what is best for our current and future selves. We will fail. We will backslide. We will willfully rebel. I will look my conscience right in the eye and take a big bite of cheesecake. It’s going to happen.

What is also going to happen is that I will feel a dairy-induced bellyache followed by some shame for having rebelled. Then I’ll eat a Tums and make a better choice the next time.

In the meantime, it is essential that I both acknowledge and forgive myself for the clay feet I really knew I had all along.

Accountability, Exercise, Habits, Thought Patterns

I’m No Rocket Scientist, But I Know When to Fire a Thruster

May 21, 2013 dotyness Leave a comment

Minute course corrections. You see it in any space movie. The astronauts fire thrusters for various lengths of time to roll the vessel, propel it a little, get out of the way of something, or for some other mysterious and dramatic reason. As I was walking the dogs on Sunday, I saw how I have to make those same minute corrections and calculations all the time.

The first thruster I fired was a pretty big one. It got me out of my chair and putting on my running shoes. I had to fire it for several seconds there to overcome the inertia of the large stationary object that was Me. I had to fire again when I was wavering between going to the gym and going to the park. You see, it’s easy to stop walking on a treadmill; but, when you’re at the park, you have to walk back to the car. You can’t just stop mid-lap. Once at the park, additional firings were required to stay on course for the five mile (four times around the outer track) walk. My internal conversation included whining about my calves, whining about needing to use the restroom, whining about the impending rain, and even whining about needing a trash can to throw my gum into. There was so much whining going on, you’d have sworn it was a Seinfeld episode.

The stone truth of all of this is: I am bone lazy. I would rather lay on the couch and watch movies than go work out. I would rather eat ice cream and cheese puffs than cucumbers and hummus. I have unhealthy circuits in my mind. Those circuits were reinforced over the better part of 45 years. I would love to tell you that (mostly) two years of conscious effort to change the circuits has successfully rewired them. That would be a complete lie.

I have to revamp the circuitry with nearly every decision. The good news is that I can do it – that there is hope and that success is possible. It does it get easier with continued diligence and I am hopeful that eventually, I will be able to make those corrections effortlessly and perhaps even unconsciously.

I trust that as I monitor my systems and stay the course, eventually, the thrusters will fire on their own.

Accountability, Habits

Food Diary Gong Show

May 18, 2013 dotyness Leave a comment

Well, friends, I’m going to keep the MyFitnessPal weight loss counter on the site because LoseIt doesn’t offer one; however, I just don’t like the site for logging food and exercise. I am going back to LoseIt for my daily logging.

My chief complaint with MyFitnessPal is this nutritional information anarchy that seems to be going on. When a user submits a new food for the LoseIt food database, the proposed item doesn’t immediately go in. Apparently, someone is checking it. Conversely, on the MyFitnessPal site, anyone can insert anything in the database. Other users then give it a thumbs up or down for accuracy. Ummmmm.

See, here’s the thing: I could insert information for a hot fudge cake and give it a total calorie count of 100 per 3 pound serving. I could then get 20 friends to go in and give that posting a giant thumbs up. So, I’ve entered information that, while wildly popular, is totally delusional.

I am way too OCD (or CDO) for that. I need information whose accuracy I can reasonably trust. For my tastes, MyFitnessPal loses me.

{{{{GONNNNNNGGGGGGGG}}}}

Depression, Habits, Social Issues

It’s More Than a Choice

May 17, 2013 dotyness 1 Comment

…but that’s as good a place to start as any.

Reading through some of my posts, if you don’t know me well, you might get the idea that I’m happy-happy-happy all the time-time-time. If you do know me well, you just soiled yourself laughing. Go change. We’ll wait.

Years ago, there was a book making the rounds called Happiness is a Choice. I don’t believe that and I believe that psych wards are full of people who would agree with me.

I know people who struggle with bipolar disorder, unipolar major depressive disorder, and other psychiatric conditions that are biological in origin. These are often endocrine issues – just like diabetes. Who in their right mind would tell a diabetic to “Buck up! A sugar coma is a choice!” No one, right? Yet, every day, all day long, people tell those suffering from depression that they could be happy if only they wanted it badly enough, if only they chose to be. How archaic and counter-productive.

Earlier in the week, I was discussing a bad study habit with my son. We discussed how this habit was reinforced during his pre-college years. Now he is dealing from the fall-out and blaming himself 100%. He doesn’t want to be “that guy” who blames all of his short-comings on someone else. I told him that finding the genesis of the habit isn’t blaming anyone. It is simply examining the habit, finding its causes and edges so that he can develop workable coping mechanisms or effective habit-changing behaviors. Finding the edges defines the habit, not him. I do not believe that he is to blame for the behavior’s inception. I DO believe that he is to blame for its continuation if, after recognizing it, he does nothing about it.

Likewise, if I know that I have depression or other biologically based mood issues, I cannot reasonably blame myself for their existence. However, I can blame myself completely if I do not develop, implement and maintain coping mechanisms or follow prescribed treatment. Just because my body is predisposed to produce this negativity, does not excuse me from spewing into the world around me. I’m not Vesuvius. I’m not even Italian, for goodness sake!

A positive attitude is very difficult for me on some days. On those days, I find myself jonesing for calorie-dense foods more than usual. I find myself pulling the covers over my head rather than going for a walk. I find myself giving in to the darkness. While I’m not always responsible for my moods, I am still responsible for how I respond to them. Do I take the easy road and let them win? Or do I take the harder road and fight for myself?

On Tuesday, I posted a photo I took this summer at a serenity garden on the campus of Tacoma Community College. On that photo, I wrote, “I am responsible for the energy I bring into this space.” I don’t recall where I first heard that; but, I have it written on a photo of an F-18 on my desk, too. It’s a good thing to remember.

Maybe I can’t choose to be happy, but I can choose whether or not to be a jerk.

Habits, Motivation, Social Issues

Celebrating 16 Failures!

May 16, 2013 dotyness 5 Comments

She who never gives up — A constant pep-talk from my aunt/friend Judy.

Early yesterday afternoon, I was feeling super tired and ugly cranky. My colleague Ed suggested that we have a little lunch before we continued our tasks. Coconut milk curry beef restored my body and positive conversation restored my spirit. At our bistro table, in the warm sunshine, Ed shared with me the Theory of 17.

The basic idea is this: every success comes after 16 failures.

How many times did I try to quit smoking? How many times have I tried to lose weight? control my temper? learn a new skill? develop a new habit? change something about myself that I don’t like? I can’t really count that high: so, I’m just going to say LOTS.

It is just so easy to allow ourselves to be discouraged, to accept that we are never going to succeed, to say “forget it” and grab another doughnut, stay in a job we hate, let our tempers loose, stay on the couch, whatever. We’ve TRIED to change. We just CAN’T. (It works better if you whine when you read that.) One of my least favorite sayings is, “Can’t never could.” I hate that; however, there is real truth there.

Ed also reminded me how often we give up just before the miracle. We give up on the 14th effort, or the 15th or the 16th. We were closer than we thought and we just barely missed it. How tragic to give up on ourelves when we are so close to being what we want to be?

In an address at Harrow in 1941, Winston Churchill said, “(N)ever give in, never give in, never, never, never-in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.” Obviously, he was talking about something more dangerous than a snack cake – he was talking about war. Wasn’t he? Let’s think about this for a minute.

The Nazis exterminated groups of people – artisists, homosexuals, Jews, Romani, etc, over the course of about 12 years. They slaughtered some 11 million people in total, which makes for about 917,000 victims murdered annually. According to the National Insitute of Health and the Center for Disease Control , there are some 743,000 annual deaths in the US that are directly attributable to obesity or tobacco use. Look at that for a second. At least 743,000 of us VOLUNTARILY kill ourselves every year with food and tobacco. If you add in the number of us disabled by weight-related arthritis, smoking-related COPD, obesity and smoking related heart disease, we are doing a better job of committing genocide on ourselves than the most efficient genocidal machine in history. It is a Reflexive Holocaust.

We have the power to change this and we don’t need rifles or grenades to do it! Take a walk break instead of a smoke break. Pick up a banana instead of a candy bar (or even one of those “healthy” protein bars). Create a support system. There’s no need to be in that foxhole by yourself! You’re fighting. I’m fighting. Our friends are fighting. There is NO shame in saying, “I’m feeling a little weak right now, help me through this, would you?” There is no shame in failing. There is shame only in the refusal to try. If WWII ended with VE Day and VJ Day, then we can have VMe Days.

Try! Fail! Celebrate that failure and know that you are one failure closer to celebrating VMe!

Accountability, Cravings, Habits, Motivation, Thought Patterns

Fatigue: Success Saboteur

May 15, 2013 dotyness Leave a comment

I. Am. Exhausted.

Starting any new endeavor takes an enormous amount of energy, and it doesn’t matter what kind of endeavor it is: weight loss, new job, new baby, new puppy, new home, whatever. You know this. I know this. Of course, there is knowing and there is KNOWING.

With my new professional position, I am moving into a state of KNOWING.

New knowledge, friends, clients, situations, and experiences are invigorating; however, I am a middle-aged woman, not the battery bunny. Long hours away from home are wearing me out and are beginning to have some not-so-great effects, a few of which I noticed yesterday:

overeating,
bad food choices, and
over-analysis head trash.

My body is tired. But, because it doesn’t know that I’m doing this on purpose, it is now beginning to register the fatigue as a threat to survival. As a threat response, it’s telling me that it needs more food. My hunger alarms are blaring like it’s a London air raid and I need to Keep Calm and Get My Fanny into the Tube. I know that the threat is not real; however, my basic life functions don’t and right now they are buying all the air time and running commercials for food in my brain.

And the commercials they are running are not for apples, mangoes and lean meats, either. No, sirree! I’m getting messages that my organism is in danger and we need high calorie items! It’s like the old drive-in commercials: I’ve got peanut butter cups, ice cream pints, and pastries dancing across my mental screen. My conscious mind knows that the danger isn’t real, but my brain is still creating massive carbohydrate cravings.

My brain is also thinking too much. It is my nature to over-analyze. You can stop reading now because I’m certain you don’t deal with this same issue (yes, I’m rolling my eyes). I was doing a mental post-mortem driving home after an event last night. I concluded that during the evening, I had likely developed a bad case of what my mother always called Diarrhea of the Mouth.

Speaking with these three really nice women, I realized that I was probably talking non-stop, but I could not shut up! A good conversation partner talks, then listens. A poor conversation partner talks, then talks, then waits until it’s their turn to talk again. I’m pretty sure I was the latter, not the former. Laura, Linda, Katherine: I promise that I will bring duct tape to the next function and you can just slap a strip on me when I start running off like that again. My apologies, ladies.

Alienating people is bad; but, that’s really not the big, long-term danger for me. The real danger was in berating myself as a boor on the way home. The head trash – I’m a jerk, nobody likes me, I might as well go in the backyard and eat worms – will sabotage any and every effort, whether social, personal, external, or internal. Just like I said yesterday, I have to recognize that the trash is there and pluck it out before it does damage.

At the moment, I am not so tired that I don’t know the source of my hunger, cravings or self-doubts. Because I know the source, I can (and, really, must) correct it. I must address the fatigue before it causes some real harm. I must take care of me.

Now, for those who have nodded your heads throughout this piece, who is taking care of you?

Depression, Habits, Motivation

Taking Out the Head Trash

May 14, 2013 dotyness 4 Comments

Head trash. The mental landfill between our ears.

It creeps into the salesman’s mind after a blown presentation. It attacks the dieter after a prohibited cupcake disappears. It assails the recovering nicotine addict after puffs from the contraband cigarette. It torments the struggling alcoholic after the forbidden cocktail.

Is it real or is it the bogeyman? I happen to think that the veracity of Head Trash lies somewhere between the objective truth of Sean Connery being the most attractive man ever (a truth any idiot can see) and the subjective truth that red poppies are prettier than roses. Regardless of its accuracy, Head Trash can and does (on a daily basis) make failures of the most talented and the brightest individuals. Which leads me to this: the question isn’t whether or not it’s real. The question is: what do we do about it?

When I was little, I was convinced that sharp shooters from Gunsmoke were in the top of my closet. (No. Seriously.) I was so sure they were there, I couldn’t sleep if the closet doors were open. My mother insisted that there were no snipers in my closet; but, clearly, she just wasn’t looking in the right places. I could plainly see them; so, I was angry with her for dismissing my fear.

When my own son was little, he had a similar monster infestation. Remembering the Gunsmoke tormentors, each night, I sprayed water around the edges of the room, driving the monsters into a Japanese letter box which was secured with a brass fish lock (the very best monster containers, don’t you know). With the box of monsters out of the room, the sleeping Ginger Prince was safe for another night.

Hurricane Katrina destroyed my Japanese letter box; so, I no longer have it available for my own monster disposal. The brass fish isn’t around to contain those spirits who say that I can’t do something, that I’m not good enough, that I’m less than, unattractive, unable to do anything right, whatever lies the beasts are selling on any given day. I have to put on my big girl pants and deal with them myself. To do that effectively, I must do these things:

Acknowledge that they are there and look at them closely. Closing my eyes left the snipers in the closet; however, turning on the light clearly and quickly showed no danger.
Disassemble them to find the flaws. When I internally hear, “You can’t do anything right.” I make a list of actual accomplishments: performing a back flip off a diving board, overcoming a paralyzing fear of horses, baking good brownies. I don’t have to be perfect. I just have to be good enough for the context.
Pluck them out. Do not allow those negative thoughts to take root. Deal with them. Relentlessly. Mercilessly. See them as the destructive forces that they are and rout them daily, constantly. This is a battle for spirit, mind, body and success. I must fight like it is. Fight for friends. And (this is a big one) limit my time with those who would destroy me. Emotional vampires have no place in my life. Friendship doesn’t help them and destroys me. It’s a lose-lose.
Finally, I develop a game plan. If sales meetings leave me feeling down, I have to review them with a coworker to find out why. A helpful colleague can suggest how to handle the situation better next time. When I craved cigarettes, I avoided coffee shops and bars. I don’t go to bakeries when I’m hungry. A game plan helps me win the battles before I face them the next time.

To be a successful parent, sober person, non-smoker (or non-smoking smoker like me), professional, student, dieter, athlete, or insert your own noun here we must clear out our minds, making room for positive things, good thoughts, good people and good experiences. To do that, we must first take out the Head Trash.

Eating Out, Habits, Thought Patterns

Corning’s Loss, Our Gain

May 13, 2013 dotyness Leave a comment

This is the United States where eating out is a national pastime. When I was growing up, there were only a couple of places in Brookhaven open for breakfast – Kerns Cafe and Brown’s Cafe (neither of which exist anymore). The Round Table and Dog N Suds were open at lunch. The Dog N Suds was also open for dinner. Sometimes, we would drive to Hazelhust to have dinner at Max’s or over to Georgetown for fried catfish at Al’s Fish Camp. I think we might have had a Kentucky Fried Chicken in those days, as well. But, you get the picture. We ate out infrequently and had few choices when we did. Now, I have a choice between Backyard Burger, fried chicken, eggrolls and Dunkin Donuts all at a single truck stop in the middle of nowhere!

Marketing students hear how Corning Glass nearly failed because it didn’t see that Americans weren’t cooking at home anymore. My grandmother and my mother both had complete sets of Corning casserole dishes. You know the ones I’m talking about – white with either white flowers or vegetables on the side and that heavy, heavy glass lid. Every pot luck, church dinner, holiday meal, supper club and family get-together saw tables laden with them. Check your cabinets. Do you have any of them? I don’t.

And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we cook less but are fatter than ever.

I’ve talked before about cooking and how cooking your own food is vital to weight loss success and a healthier body. I am convinced that this is true. Hidden sugar, salt, and god-knows-what make us gain weight and retain water. They subject us to cravings. They alter our body chemistries in ways we don’t even understand.

Friends encouraged me to start this blog because while Valerie Bertinelli and Oprah Winfrey can lose weight and look great, most of us do not have personal trainers, chefs or life coaches on speed dial. Pre-packaged diets are successful because we don’t have time to plan. We don’t know what to plan. We just don’t know where to start.

I am coming to believe that a great part of my earlier success was that I was working from home. Planning nutritious, balanced meals was much easier then than it is for me now and, frankly, I’m not doing all that great a job of it yet. However, this weekend, I began to take my personal life back in hand. I am a creature of habit, a person of routine. I am still developing one that contains time for housework, laundry, exercise, meal planning and preparation, work time and networking time. Oh, and sleep. Sleep would be good, too. While I’m nowhere near done, I made significant progress this weekend and that feels good.

I would love it, though, if you would continue to share what works for you!

Food, Habits

If I Stomped Grapes, I’d Have Fat Feet

May 10, 2013 dotyness 1 Comment

I thank you all SOOO much for reading and sharing yesterday‘s piece. Readership quadrupled! You gave me wonderful feedback, and you have joined me to walk them home. I just love that. That article is much different from my normal fare, but it’s on a subject that means a great deal to me. If you want to join in, remember to email me your goal, your weekly mileage, the name you want to use for identification and any other information you want to include to runningwithronnie@yahoo.com.

There are no prizes or scorekeepers. These miles and steps are gifts we are all giving of our own accord, when we can, how we can and how much we can. If you are just beginning to walk or run, do what you can; but, don’t sit out because the idea of 300 miles scares you. My friend Steve can’t walk or run like that; so, his miles will come on a bike. Maybe yours come in a pool. Maybe you give 600, maybe you give 20. Use this as a motivator. Regardless of how far we go, each step tells these soldiers of the 501st Brigade Support Battalion that they’re not forgotten. And we get another reason to get up and get outside our own heads. The chaplain told me this morning that the deadline for his 300 miles is 31 August 2013.

So, last night, I went to a wine tasting with my sweet friend Ramona who knows just everybody and if there’s anyone who doesn’t know her, you can bet they want to! This event featured Sardinian wines – a group about which I know nothing. My father made sure I knew about French reds, German whites and California both. I have a good idea about what I like in those classes, but Sardinians? To tell the truth, I didn’t even realize they made wine for export there.

So, we went to this event, tasted six wines, had some wonderful hors d’oeuvres and fantastic conversation. A little red wine is good for you and we had just little.

Now, the thing is, I don’t consume much alcohol. It’s really a calorie budget issue for me. Beer, wine and liquor are all calorie-thick, nutrient-thin. Now, I enjoy a good raspberry cosmo as much as the next girl (and if the next girl is my sister, then I enjoy it more), but that cocktail may contain as many as 212 calories. For those same calories, I can have two bananas, a giant salad or even eight Hershey’s Kisses. I’m much more likely to spend my calories with Hershey. Plus, well, the truth is, alcohol makes me swell up like a tick.

After what amounted to a single glass of wine, I had Fred Flintstone’s hands and feet.

Water retention is generally a temporary situation and not something I usually get wrapped around the axle about; however, I know how tight and uncomfortable it makes me feel. I try to avoid foods, drinks and situations that cause it because my overall outlook, health and confidence levels are better the more comfortable I am in my clothes, my skin….and, this morning, my shoes.

Habits, Motivation

Odds Are…..

May 8, 2013 dotyness 4 Comments

As I’ve said, after about 18 months of working from my home, I have recently begun working in an office again and in the field of financial services. Yesterday I heard that only about one person in one hundred who starts a career in financial services sticks with it. I have no reason to question the source; so, I’m going to assume that he’s right – that he thinks that the odds are not in my favor. But, the odds are always in the house’s favor, right? Well, what that man doesn’t know is that in many respects, I’m pretty sure I’m the house. Here’s why:

As an infant, I had a heart murmur. My parents were told I would not live past age two. I’m significantly past that now.
I did a boatload of really stupid things in college and I’m still here.
I am the single income, single mother of an at-risk son who is choosing to become a man that ANY mother would be thrilled to call her own.
I survived Katrina, though I lost nearly everything.
I triumph over a chronic illness (most of the time).
I’ve been technically homeless and unemployed twice. Thanks to the love, support and generosity of my family, I’ve always had a roof over my head and food on my plate.
I’ve successfully quit smoking.
As a middle-aged woman, I’ve lost a great deal of weight and am doing a decent job of keeping it off and removing those few creeper pounds.

Although I often grouse, complain and pout, I survive and I thrive.

But, I’m going to let you in on a little secret here….come closer and tell no one: in spite of what I’ve been trying to convince friends of for years, I’m not all that special. Shhhhhh. One more outburst like that and I’ll clear the courtroom! (Big Perry Mason fan. Always wanted to say that.)

What I mean is: I didn’t win some mysterious, cosmic lottery. I don’t know the answer to life’s great mystery (other than 42, of course). I don’t have the market on gumption cornered. Sure, I’ve got my share of piss and vinegar (inherited from my mother who had enough for four people); but, I’ve got no super powers. All of these things that I’ve done, others can do. I did it with grit and with the support and encouragement of friends and family. Remember yesterday? Believe. Believe it and want it.

I struggle and I lose faith in myself on a regular basis, but the trick is (I think) to believe more often than disbelieve. And for those days when you can’t swing your focus back around to believing, have a support system that will help you.

In this new job, in losing these creeper pounds, in relationships, in all things – if the odds are in the house’s favor, then let’s make sure we’re the House.

The Daily Doty