As I’ve said, after about 18 months of working from my home, I have recently begun working in an office again and in the field of financial services.  Yesterday I heard that only about one person in one hundred who starts a career in financial services sticks with it.  I have no reason to question the source; so, I’m going to assume that he’s right – that he thinks that the odds are not in my favor.  But, the odds are always in the house’s favor, right?  Well, what that man doesn’t know is that in many respects, I’m pretty sure I’m the house.  Here’s why:

• As an infant, I had a heart murmur.  My parents were told I would not live past age two.  I’m significantly past that now.
• I did a boatload of really stupid things in college and I’m still here.
• I am the single income, single mother of an at-risk son who is choosing to become a man that ANY mother would be thrilled to call her own.
• I survived Katrina, though I lost nearly everything.
• I triumph over a chronic illness (most of the time).
• I’ve been technically homeless and unemployed twice.  Thanks to the love, support and generosity of my family, I’ve always had a roof over my head and food on my plate.
• I’ve successfully quit smoking.
• As a middle-aged woman, I’ve lost a great deal of weight and am doing a decent job of keeping it off and removing those few creeper pounds.

Although I often grouse, complain and pout, I survive and I thrive.

But, I’m going to let you in on a little secret here….come closer and tell no one: in spite of what I’ve been trying to convince friends of for years, I’m not all that special. Shhhhhh.  One more outburst like that and I’ll clear the courtroom! (Big Perry Mason fan.  Always wanted to say that.)

What I mean is: I didn’t win some mysterious, cosmic lottery.  I don’t know the answer to life’s great mystery (other than 42, of course). I don’t have the market on gumption cornered.  Sure, I’ve got my share of piss and vinegar (inherited from my mother who had enough for four people); but, I’ve got no super powers.  All of these things that I’ve done, others can do.  I did it with grit and with the support and encouragement of friends and family. Remember yesterday?  Believe.  Believe it and want it.

I struggle and I lose faith in myself on a regular basis, but the trick is (I think) to believe more often than disbelieve. And for those days when you can’t swing your focus back around to believing, have a support system that will help you.

In this new job, in losing these creeper pounds, in relationships, in all things – if the odds are in the house’s favor, then let’s make sure we’re the House.

Of course, one of my favorite movies is Monty Python and The Holy Grail.  And, of course, one of my favorite scenes is when the Black Knight stands at the bridge and declares, “None shall pass!”  About 30 pounds into my weight loss, I realized that I was my own Black Knight.

I was looking for a pair of warm-up pants.  I had bought the whole suit on sale some months before and, while I could locate the jacket, I couldn’t find the pants anywhere.  They had always been too tight and I had never warn them.  Finally, I remembered that I had donated them to Goodwill because I thought I’d never be able to wear them.  Slam on the brakes.  I thought I’d never be able to wear them. I did – no one else, just me.

The truth is, no one else thought that much about my weight.  I’m just not that important in their worlds.  That’s not to say that I don’t have friends and family who love me – I do.  But, none of them were wringing their hands over the fact that I was obese.  Certainly, none of them were losing sleep thinking that I was unable to lose weight.  I’d be willing to bet that it never even occurred to them that I was unable to lose weight. I was the one who thought that.  I was the one who didn’t believe in myself.  I was the one standing in my own way, denying passage.

How sad is that?

So, the biggest challenge wasn’t necessarily cutting calories or making good food choices.  The biggest challenge was vanquishing the Black Knight.  And, to be honest, it’s a challenge I still deal with at least a little bit each day.  The way to win is not with one swift thrust from The Blade of Logic.  Like King Arthur, I had to strike multiple times – disarming, then, um, dislegging my own Belief Black Knight.  And, like the knight in the movie, even without arms and legs, the demon still threatens to bite my knee caps.  He’s never completely gone, but he’s not nearly as fearsome as he was two years and all those pounds ago.

And for those external Black Knights?  I quote the crazy-talented Pavel Datsyuk: “There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can’t. What you have got to do is turn around and say, ‘watch me’!'”

So, to both my internal and external Black Knights, I say with all due respect (which is to say very little), “Watch me!”