Category Archives: Thought Patterns

What’s going on in my head

Family, Motivation

Forward Ho!

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(But don’t call me Ho.)

I’ve been on a reading kick for a few months now and have annihilated my library’s Robert Crais collection. I just love his main two characters: Elvis Cole and Joe Pike. I was truly upset when I read the last of the books. I will miss those two friends until Crais publishes another one. (Psst! Mr. Crais, if you’re reading this – do a woman a solid and write faster, huh? I miss the guys and the black cat.) Elvis is verbose and irreverent while Joe is silent and unreadable. Joe has distinctive red arrow tattoos on his deltoids. The arrows point forward and are a testament to his belief that the only thing to do is to keep going and that the only way to go is forward.

In addition to what I shared with you yesterday, during our text conversation on Tuesday, my son also said to me, “We’ll make it Mother dear. There is only direction and it is forward.” My boy – Joe Pike.

If you’ve been with me through this blog’s journey, you know that the last couple of years have been very difficult for me and, really, for much of my family. I’ve tried to be honest with you throughout everything without oversharing. I’m pretty sure that sometimes I still overshare; however, I have come to believe that even that “error” is a good thing. While most of you don’t comment in the section here (ahem), many of you send messages to me behind the scenes. Overwhelmingly, the common theme to those messages is: I thought I was the only one.

No, you’re not the only one.

wagon-train-walter-colvinWe share a common human condition even if we try to put a brave face on it. I believe that a sense of humor is absolutely crucial for enduring difficulties. However, as you know, I lose mine from time to time.  I begin to feel overwhelmed by my current trials or by the trials of those I love and cannot help. Sometimes, it just seems like too much to bear. And it would be, if we had to bear it alone.

But we don’t.

We are more superficially connected than ever before in the history of mankind; however, we simultaneously often feel more isolated than ever. We post the highlights of our lives on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and, and, and. We know that we are showing a highly edited version of our lives where checkbooks always balance, dogs never poop in the floor, alarm clocks always go off and socks never go missing in the wash. But, we see the red ink in our checkbooks and  know that we are presenting only a partial truth. Yet, we see the posts of others and assume that their posts are the Whole Truth, the Real Truth. We see our friends in Pleasantville while we struggle in Amityville. And we feel worse. Somewhere in our minds we know that they live just down the street in Amityville, too, but we are still more apt to believe the Pleasantville fiction.

Well, I’m going to sit right here and tell you that I’m in Amityville and that I’ve seen your mailbox on my street. I’m not alone and neither are you. There is only one option for us and that is to continue to work through our difficulties. There is only one direction for us and that is forward. So, forward ho!

Surely, we can do this if we help each other. (But, don’t call me Shirley, either.)

Accountability, Body Changes, Cravings, Motivation

Means, Motive and Opportunity

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I awoke this morning to find carnage in my kitchen. At the center of the obvious crime scene were the ravaged remains of a bag of barbecue potato chips, a bag of multi-grain tortilla chips, a king sized Hershey bar with almonds and a container of Dream salted caramel gelato. Oh, the horror! The inhumanity! Who could have done such a thing?! Surely not I, the Positive Thinking Blog Goddess – Her Dotyness herself!

Johnny Cochran said, “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”

But, then, Cotille Jones (remember her?) said, “If yo ass shows swell, you guilty as hell!” It seems that Ms Jones has seen my jeans.

As I’ve mentioned to you before, I am an emotional binge eater and for about the last month, I’ve been struggling with it – like Godzilla versus Megalon type struggling. Small Japanese fishing villages have been torched in the fray. And I’ve been losing.

At first, I thought the cravings were just PMS (and they might have been), but that’s not the issue now.  In public, I’m making good food choices; but, behind closed doors, I’m eating everything I can get my grubby little hands on. My cats have learned to be even stealthier than usual and my dogs sleep with one eye open. PMS cravings would have ended after just a few days. This has been going on for about a month. Now, the jeans that I could take off without unbuttoning a month ago are a real challenge to button at all. Not good. Clearly, something else is going on here.

My friend Russell told me years ago that I was one of the most self-aware people he knew. I like to think that I’m pretty self-aware; but, I like to think that I look a lot like a young Ann-Margret, too. Whatever my level of self-awareness, I am aware enough to know that to change my behavior, I have to figure out where it originates. If I want to stop my emotional binge-eating, I have to uncover the emotion(s) that is (are) causing it. To that end, I’ve been poking around in my mind to see what anxiety fuse has blown.

The suspects:

  1. Money. Since my income dropped by about 75% last year, I’m always worried about money. Nothing has happened to change that; so, that’s certainly a contributor.
  2. Holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. I have to work Thanksgiving; so, I’ll likely be asleep all day and working that night. The traditional holiday meal will likely be just like every other day’s meal. Since I’m not starving, that’s only a First World Problem. I don’t have to work Christmas; however, with money as tight as it is, I don’t see how I can fly my son home for the holiday. It will be our first one apart and just the thought of it is ripping me up, especially since it has been a year since I’ve seen him. Another First World Problem.
  3. Health. I had some curious symptoms that were scaring me. Tests have shown that there’s nothing abnormal going on – no cancer. Relief.
  4. Disappointment. I had an idea where I would be at this point in my life and I’m just not there. I’m trying very hard to get there, but it’s unbelievably difficult.

I worked at Complete Automotive Repair and Service in Metairie, LA. (Julie’s, to most of our customers.) We had this one customer who, when asked how she was, would always reply, “I don’t have any problems that money can’t solve. So, I guess I’m good.” That’s what I need to focus on. And I’m trying.

I don’t walk miles each day to get water of questionable safety. No mortars fall in my town. I don’t live in fear of being attacked every time I leave my front door. I don’t have to wear a burka or have a male escort to go anywhere. I can vote. I can publicly disagree with my government. I can practice any (or no) religion I choose. Stocked grocery stores are all over town. And I have my pick of doctors to see when I’m ill.

As long as I have food, clothing, shelter and health, the rest are just First World Problems that I should be grateful I have.

Then, how come I still want a brownie?

 

 

 

Thought Patterns

It Ain’t Walgreens

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You know how they have those feel good commercials with John Corbett cheerfully telling us that we can find our local Walgreen’s store at the corner of Happy and Healthy? Well, honey, I ain’t on that corner today.

I’m more on the corner of Where’s the Tequila and Hide the Sharp Objects.

To say that yesterday was full of trials is something of an understatement. On balance, the day was so close to a nightmare that you’d swear they were more than fraternal twins. There were a host of actual negative experiences and one super-positive potential one. At this point, I’m just wanting to go to bed and hit the reset button.

But, before I do that, I’m going to do three things:

1. I’m going to have a soothing cup of herbal tea.

2. I’m going to spend a few minutes  remembering how much fun my weekend was on my whirlwind mini-vacation. I’m going to remember how wonderful it was to spend time with loved ones and to eat all that wonderful New Orleans food.

and

3. I’m going to ask you all to send me positive thoughts and waves of encouragement. If the thoughts of many can influence randomly generated computer numbers in blind tests (check out The Holographic Universe for more on that), surely, your positive thoughts can turn my potential positive into an actual one.

Now it’s time for that cup of tea.

Farewell until Monday.

Thought Patterns

Friday’s New Focus

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gourdsAs you may have noticed this week, my patience has been looking a little thinner than usual. It must have been on a diet when I wasn’t looking. While I haven’t been exactly cranky, I’ve not felt like I was on an even keel, either. Last night at work, when I was carrying something a little heavy around, I had a moment where my focus shifted. In that moment, I felt my muscles and bones working together and I was thankful. I am thankful that I have a job to go to and thankful that my body feels and functions better at 47 than it did at 37.

I believe that part of my discontent this week has been rooted in watching others, which is just never a good idea. When I watch others, I see what they get away with or how they are rewarded for flimsy reasons. And I get frustrated. I become discontent thinking that someone is getting a better deal than I am. I know that to watch others or to pay more attention to them and what they’re doing than to what I’m doing is a sure-fire way to become irritated.

Sure, many things in my life have been and could be better; but, today, I am thankful that they aren’t worse. I’m a healthy woman who has a home, a job, great family, wonderful friends, comforting pets, and, well, just more than I can list.

And that’s all I’m focusing on.

 

Accountability, Social Issues, Thought Patterns

Failingly Compassionate

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You know those people who are just unfailingly compassionate? I’m talking about people like Mother Theresa and … well … Mother Theresa. I’m just like her except that I don’t have that “un” part.

I’ve been kicked in the teeth quite a few times – more times than many people I know, but fewer times than other people. Still, you’d think that having experienced some of the things that I have, I’d be a compassionate person – and I am….most of the time. At least I think it’s most of the time. Maybe I’m compassionate only some of the time. In any case, I’m not a nice person all of the time.

I try very hard to give people the benefit of the doubt or to try to see things from their perspective. I can’t always do it. When I fail, I try to keep my nasty little judgemental remarks inside my head; but, sometimes I fail at that, too.

justice-gavel-color-hiAnd I’m about to fail again right now.

If you haven’t heard yet, a 350-pound British woman is blaming the government for her obesity.  She lives in government housing (at no cost to herself) and receives welfare to support herself and her two young children. In spite of the fact that her benefits are worth an estimated $62,000 per year, gyms and healthful food options are just too expensive, she says.

Now, there are a million different ways to attack this woman’s argument and I’ve read most of them. But, the issue I have no compassion for here and elsewhere is the culture of victimhood.  I’ve been an unmarried mother. I’ve been obese (although not 350 pounds). And I’ve been poor. And, guess what? All of those things were in some way the result of my own choices. So, they were my fault (if that’s the word we want to use) and no one else’s. (Okay, so maybe not Hurricane Katrina, but most of the rest of the stuff was the result of choices I made.)

I am utterly sick to death of “it’s not my fault” or “I didn’t mean to.”

Actions have consequences. Period. They always have and they always will.

If I punch a policeman in the nose, I will be arrested. If I don’t meet the requirements of my  job, I will be fired. If I have unprotected sex, I will eventually get pregnant. And, if I fill my cabinet with Pop Tarts and the like, I will become (or stay) obese. If I stay obese, I will develop diseases like diabetes, arthritis, and heart disease. My body will hurt.

And until I accept responsibility for my current condition, I cannot change it.

As I told you yesterday, to deal with my fatigue and the food temptations that came along with it, I had to put on my Big Goddess Panties and suck it up. And we all have to do that if we are going to effect any kind of change in our own lives. (Men, you can pull up your Aquaman Underoos. If you choose Big Goddess Panties, I really don’t want to know about it. Mmmmk?)

I got into most of my fixes under my own power and I can bloody well get out of them that way, too. I’m not unfailingly compassionate and I’m not powerless either.

Accountability, Cooking, Eating Out, Food, Habits, Motivation

Heroes and Villains

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Superman has Lex Luthor. Sherlock Holmes has Moriarty. Spiderman has the Green Goblin. And Kermit has Miss Piggy. Every superhero has an archenemy – some villain that is a constant thorn in his side. Where Batman has the Joker, the Penguin, Catwoman, Two Face and Mr. Freeze (I don’t know how Batman rates all those villains, really. It’s not like he’s Superman, for crying out loud.), Resolve has Fatigue and his sidekick Convenience.

Capitan-America-obeseAs we’ve discussed several times, making healthful food choices isn’t necessarily easy and it certainly isn’t convenient. For whatever reason, last week, I got less sleep than usual. I also did not take the time I needed to take to prepare foods like I normally do. As a result, drive-thrus all over town talked to me as I drove past. It wasn’t that I even craved a burger or fries or a banana milkshake; I was just hungry and didn’t want to fool with making anything. While I resisted the temptations – even the milkshake, a heroic feat if ever there was one, resistance grew more difficult as the week wore on and my level of fatigue increased.

Well, there’s only one way to deal with that. That’s right. I had to put on my Big Goddess Panties and suck it up.

I went grocery shopping on Sunday to stock up on good fruits and veggies again. Some of those veggies, including a butternut squash, are roasting in the oven right this very minute. (I had to buy the biggest butternut squash they had to repair some soup I made with the gourd last week. I put WAY too much garlic in that batch; so, I have to dilute it. Good thing that soup freezes well!) Yellow squash, zucchini (staples in my kitchen) and eggplant also found their way into the basket. Sadly, they had no large portobellos that I can eat like a steak. The small ones still make for a great stir-fry, though.

In addition to the vegetables, I soaked and cooked some beans. I prepared chickpeas, black beans and lentils. The chickpeas will become hummus, soup and this wonderful chickpea salad that I just love. The black beans will be seasoned to serve with rice. They will also become black bean burgers as soon as I find a recipe that I like. The lentils will be a lentil loaf. I’ve never made one before; but, this recipe sounds wonderful!

I can’t say that this week I’ll get any more sleep and/or rest than I did last week; but, I can say that I’m better prepared to deal with the snacky feelings and temptations that the fatigue brings.

Fatigue Man and Convenience Boy, you’re on notice! I’m still in my Big Goddess Panties. You’ll not find me at your evil Drive-Thru lair, regardless of how tired I am or how strong that pumpkin pie milkshake tractor beam is.

Thought Patterns

DFTBA

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There is the Generation of Baby Boomers, Generation X, Generation Y, and there are Millennials. I think the Millennials should be called Generation Text. These guys speak a language all their all. It’s full of acronyms – LOL, BRB, CUL8R, ROFLMAO, ICYMI and this one, DFTBA.

A young friend sent that to me last week. I got the message when I first woke up and my sleepy response was, “Dude, you know I’m old. I have no clue what that means.” He took forever to get back to me (like a whole two minutes); so, I Googled it. It means: Don’t Forget To Be Awesome. What a great way to start my day!

Some time ago, I shared with you my belief that most of us are unexceptional – and, although many of you disagreed with me, I still believe that this is true and that there is nothing wrong with that. Dictionary.com defines exceptional this way:

red dwarfadjective – 1. forming an exception or rare instance; unusual; extraordinary: The warm weather was exceptional for January. 

                    2. unusually excellent; superior: an exceptional violinist.  

That’s no surprise, right? You know what exceptional means and you may be a little annoyed with me for saying that you’re probably not exceptional. Well, neither am I and, again, I believe that’s just fine!

Now, lemme tell you why. 

There are some 200 billions stars in the Milky Way. Our galaxy is only one of an estimated 100 to 200 billion (some margin of error there, right?). Now, for all of these gajillion stars, there are only seven main types. Seven. So, no star is really rare, unusual or out of the ordinary. Mathematically, they can’t be. However, that doesn’t mean that they are not amazing, awe-inspiring bodies (kinda like Shemar Moore, but I digress). Likewise, while we are all pretty much like one another (with the exception of Mr. Moore, Stephen Hawking, Michael Jordan, Sissy Spacek and many others with singular beauty, intelligence and talent) we are still, as David says in Psalm 139:14, “fearfully and wonderfully made.”

Looking at our bodies and our minds, their structure and function from just a biological standpoint, we are truly fearfully and wonderfully made. There are so many chemicals, tiny components and infinite variables that make us who we are. And because there are only two major classifications for us – male and female – mathematically, we cannot all be extraordinary. But that does not mean that we are not amazing in our own ways. It doesn’t mean that we are not interesting or worthy.

The Red Dwarf is the longest-lived and most common type of star, although none are visible from Earth with the naked eye. It’s the least extraordinary. And, yet, it’s function and longevity are amazing. If you had the opportunity to view one and see how it worked, would you not take it? I’d probably knock you out of line for the telescope for the opportunity to view this oh-so-common star.

Like the stars, we are as common as daisies; but, that has no effect on how amazing, beautiful and awesome we are. So, as we head out for the day, let’s remember that and, as the Millennials say, 
DFTBA!
Food, Thought Patterns

I’m Committed (Almost)

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George Strait says to “Check Yes or No.” I usually need another option.

I worked in aviation for a very long time. During that time, I was asked an awful lot of questions about things over which I really had no control. So, I never gave definitive answers. My answers were always qualified and had wiggle room.

Q: Is the flight on time? A: It departed on time and is estimated to arrive at (whatever time).

See how I didn’t really answer? There were too many variables for me to say yes or no. Another aircraft might land gear up on the runway and the flight might have to divert to another airport (that actually happened once during a flight I was working). Then it would be late. The aircraft might lose an engine and have to finish the flight on just one. (That happened, too.) Then it would be late. See? Too many variables outside my control for me to give a straight, committed answer.

check-yes-or-noSo, when a coworker asked me a few weeks ago if I was a vegetarian, I waffled on that answer, too. “I’m not eating meat right now,” is what I said. What does that even mean?! Well, it means that I might not be a life-long vegetarian, but, in fact, I am one right now.  I haven’t eaten meat in several weeks now and have no plans at this point to resume eating it. I just feel too good to mess it up with that heavy, sluggish feeling I remember having after eating a meal with meat. When this started, it was more like I was accidentally omitting meat. Now, I’m actively avoiding it. That’s a factor that’s completely within my control. It’s not a variable.

It’s not like barbecued ribs are going to jump out from behind a tree and stuff themselves down my throat. “Well, I tried to be a vegetarian, but I was the victim of a drive-by ribbing.” (How silly. We know from Mrs. Doubtfire that there are only drive-by fruitings, not ribbings.) I do not have a nocturnal eating disorder (that’s a real thing). I don’t wake up in the middle of the night with a chicken leg in one hand and a beef brisket in the other. Food does not mysteriously disappear from my kitchen. I am aware of what and when I eat. I do the shopping. I can choose to eat meat or not. And I choose not.

Does that mean I’ll be a vegetarian for the rest of my life? No necessarily. But, then again, it doesn’t have to. I’m not joining the Bratva, the Cosa Nostra, or the Packer’s Fan Club, for crying out loud. There’s no blood vow. It’s a decision I make every time I shop, prepare a meal or order one. I’ve heard of people who are vegetarian or vegan at home, but who are omnivores when they eat out. There are vegetarians who occasionally eat fish. I’ve spoken with several people who were vegetarians for a period of time; but, who no longer are. They were omnivores until they weren’t. Then they were vegetarians until they weren’t. My sister says I’ve gone to the Dark Side. Perhaps. But I’ll only be here until I’m not.

My friend Katie says that I have a problem with commitment. She might be right; but, I’m not willing to say for sure. However, in a discussion last week with a different coworker, I did say that I was a vegetarian. And you know what? It’s a commitment I’m okay with.

 

 

 

Body Changes, Thought Patterns

How Could I Not Have Known?

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My son recently celebrated his 21st birthday. All week long on Facebook, I posted photos of him growing up, although I refrained from posting any that might embarrass him. Oh! Like that adorable one when he….. well. He is going to choose my nursing home; so, I’ll just keep all that to myself.  In looking through photos and deciding what to post, I revisited our trip to Chicago in 2010. The one I posted at the top of the page is one of my favorites. My dad and my son go221509_10150159896253197_6369362_oofing with the dinosaur sculpture outside the Field Museum. My two best guys! I also ran across a few of me with my dad standing in front of Lake Michigan. Oh, my.

Yep, the one on the right there. That’s the one that really caught my attention. My waist’s circumference was greater than my shoulders’.  (The word “circumference” should be used in describing planetary bodies, not human ones. When that’s the best word to describe a waist, there’s a problem.) Those pants I was wearing there were actually a little bit too big; so, I thought they were flattering. Not so much. But you want to know something? I didn’t truly know that I was that big.

How is that even possible? Well, it’s the frog in the pot.

You know that analogy: you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water and he’ll jump out. But, if you put him in a pot of cool water, then set it to boil, he’ll stay in it until he’s cooked. I got cooked.

I wasn’t a thin woman who woke up obese one morning; it wasn’t some adipose tissue / Kafka thing. I was heavy as a child, not really super chubby, but dense. So, the word “heavy” was used a lot. I thought that meant fat. So, I thought I was fat even before I was. The first diet I remember being on was in second grade. All my life, I didn’t lose weight as much as misplace it for awhile. I surely found every pound again – with friends! Somewhere in all that yo-yoing, my mental picture of my physical self got stuck at about a size 14. I was a solid size 20 in this photo.  I had no idea how big I was.

And that is still a challenge.

I’m now a size 6 (or 8 or 10, depending on the garment and the maker) and I still don’t know what I size I am. But I’m not so worried about it anymore. As you know, when I started the whole juicing thing, it was to lose those last 10 pesky pounds. I can honestly tell you that it’s not about that anymore. It’s about getting wholesome food into my body. More than ever, it is about being healthy.

That much I do know.

 

Thought Patterns

Schooled By Hermione

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                                   “We should stop defining each other by what we are not and start defining ourselves by who we are.”                                                       -Emma Watson

Yeah, Hermione said that. All that wisdom and she’s, what, 12?

I read that yesterday and was reminded of a counselor I used to see many years ago. In one of our sessions, he asked me if I had graduated from college. I said, “Yes, but my grades weren’t good.” He said that I had to train myself to stop at “yes.” Graduating is an accomplishment and when I added that my grades were not good, I took away from that accomplishment. It took conscious effort to stop taking away from my accomplishments and talents; but, after awhile, I got better at it.

Then I forgot to try.

And I got worse again.

hermione at hogwartsOn Monday night, a friend came over for dinner. I roasted veggies with Greek seasoning (I love that stuff), caramelized onions and peppers to go on his steak and on my Portobello, tossed a salad and baked apples for dessert. It was a nice meal. But, all I could think about was that I had overcooked his steak. And, get this, he didn’t care! He likes his steak well-done where I like mine still mooing a little bit. So, it was just like he wanted, but I still felt like I had messed up the whole dinner.

Oh, for the love of Mike! The dinner was fine.

Am I alone here? Am I the only one who does this? I think not.

For those of us who are emotional eaters, I think that this is probably a very familiar scenario. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else is. We notice every flaw, every tiny thing that is off and we label ourselves a failure – or, at the very least, “less than.” And so the cycle begins. Am I right? We begin feeling like a failure over something really small, something no one else may even notice, and we berate ourselves for it. Soon, we’re going over a giant list of failures and failings, believing that we can’t get anything right, before you know it, we’ve parked ourselves in a chair in front of the refrigerator with the intent of eating until we feel better. Only we never really feel better, do we?

And that is so wrong!

So, today, let’s recommit to being kinder to ourselves, being a better friend to ourselves. Let’s stop listing off our flaws (I’m a poor housekeeper. I’m not good with money. I don’t actually look exactly like Ann-Margaret.) and defining ourselves by them and by what we’re not. Instead, let’s side with Emma, list our positive traits (I’m a good cook. I’m a survivor. I’m a hellagood trivia player.) and define ourselves by who we are. There are good things in all of us. Some of us just have to practice seeing them in ourselves.

Let’s practice that today.