Category Archives: Thought Patterns

What’s going on in my head

Grief, Relationships

The Ringing in My Heart

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The first singer I ever saw in concert was Elvis Presley – don’t hate. I remember my ears ringing after that concert and after every one I’ve seen since. The music is always so loud that it’s like my ears turn down the volume themselves to get some relief. In all actuality, the tips of the hairlike stereocilia in my cochlea have been broken by the sound and continue to send false information to my auditory nerve even after the noise has stopped. After about 24-hours, the tips repair and the false signals stop, ending the ringing. While the damage is repairing, however, it’s harder to hear the real auditory input for all the garbage.

The last couple of weeks have been like that. I’ve taken several pretty serious emotional hits that have left my emotional ears ringing. I’m having a great deal of trouble at this point hearing much of anything. Anything, that is, except, “I love you.”

I have heard that through the ringing from friends, from family and from some people that fall into both categories. I haven’t been able to respond well; but, I’ve heard you. I have heard some of you especially clearly.

There are friends who say, “Let me know if you need anything,” or “Let me know if I can help.” Those friends are sincere and are valuable. However, there are also friends who say, “Here’s what time I’ll be there,” or they just show up, or they call or write because it’s all they can do at the time. Those friends are invaluable.

I have far more of you than I deserve and I am so grateful.

Emotional Eating, Habits, Thought Patterns

The Reality of the Fail

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My mother was the leader of my sister’s Girl Scout troop from the time the girls were 1st grade Brownies until she took them to Europe for six weeks as juniors and senior in high school. Though five years younger than the troop members, I was always along for the ride. I meet them when I was a toddler and know a few of them to this day. Yesterday, one of the Doty Bunch commented on my post. Rachel said, “…by sharing your failures and successes, you also share your authenticity and credibility! I love you!”

What a humbling thing! It’s humbling to me that: 1. Rachel (and you) choose to spend part of your day with me, and 2. That a woman who knew me when I was in diapers takes me seriously. Her comment raised something that has always bothered me – reality in the diet and health promotion industry.

I’m sure there are people who really do feel compelled to eat nothing artificial, nothing with added sugar, nothing processed. I’m sure there are people who, given the choice between an orange and a warm sticky bun will always choose the orange without even thinking that they’ve giving anything up. I’m sure there are people who deal with life’s challenges and outright sucker punches by going for a run without even considering eating their way through the freezer at Dairy Queen. I’m sure these people exist. After all, there actually are people who get their jollies by dressing up as giant stuffed animals. Surely the Stepford Health Nuts are no more unlikely than the Furries. Well, not much more unlikely.

Whether they actually exist or not, they appear to and they appear to write a great number of books. In the ones I’ve read, I haven’t really found any confessions of people dealing with emotional eating or cravings or sugar addiction. Maybe I’m just not reading the right books; but, it’s always been frustrating for me. I see these people with their 64 teeth, their beautiful bodies, their spotless kitchens, their organic pantries and I don’t see anything that looks like me. Their image is perfection. My life is messy. Emotionally, I see their image as reality, as an achievable ideal. And I see my inability to actually achieve that ideal as a constant failure on my part. Intellectually, I don’t think that most of us are wired to achieve their reality (if it even exists) any more than I think that most of us want to zip into a giant teddy bear suit. Intellectually, I might suspect that Jillian Michaels gagging over a gordita is at least some acting on her part; but, emotionally, I believe her wholesale rejection and think that I have been somehow a failure since I’d have eaten that in a second.

But that’s not right.

Her reactions are not mine. My reactions may not be the most healthful; but, they are my reality. I might choose the orange over the sticky bun today, but I’d give that sticky bun a good sniff and I might even shed a tear or two. I might do the right thing for my body this time; but, that doesn’t mean I always will.

I will fail. But that doesn’t make me a failure.

Depression, Emotional Eating

Just a Duck at a Penny Arcade

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Last week was an exceptionally emotional one for me. It started out great with that five pound weight loss; however, that triumphant moment was followed quickly by a professional disappointment, then an enormous financial failure. I kept my chin up, though, and focused on good things and solutions. Then, as you know, our dog stopped eating, signaling his approach to the rainbow bridge. Still, I kept moving forward. I got help for the financial crisis. Trey got pain meds and began eating again. I was still moving.

But the coup de grace still awaited – or, rather, the coups de grace (if that can be plural).

Sunday found me accidentally awakening a childhood demon. This event was followed literally minutes later by a real blow when I received an email from a man from my distant past. This man is associated with a particularly difficult time in my life – a watershed time, you could say. My life has since been divided into before him and after him. It wasn’t a bad email; but, it portends another irrevocable change in the life I’ve made. These two things on top of everything else were just too much for me.

My emotional eating triggers started snapping and, honey, it sounded like a shooting gallery in a penny arcade! (Do they even have penny arcades anymore?) Anyway, those triggers were going off left and right! I wanted to strap on a feed bag of puffy Cheetos, go after a gallon of Phish Food with two spoons, then (as I told my friend Jeff) climb into a bottle of cheap Cabernet. (It would have to be a cheap bottle. Good ones are for sipping. Cheap ones are for drowning.) In the end, I did none of those things. If I had, I would still have all those issues to face today, plus I’d have processed food and wine hangovers. I’d have initiated another bout with my sugar addiction AND I’d have the guilt associated with all of those things.

So, in the end, I had some veggies with hummus and a little ranch dip, some fruit, a little Margherita pizza, some chips and corn salsa, a vegetarian corn dog (hot dogs are a Super Bowl tradition for me), and a little salted caramel Dream gelato while I watched Pete Carroll blow the game. I drank one Mike’s Hard Lemonade and did not count my calories for the day. Well, I didn’t count them yesterday. I counted them just now. Ouch.

For the day, I ate just under 2200 calories. With the little bit of exercise I performed, my net for the day was just under 2000. It wasn’t a gawd awful day, but my daily calorie budget right now is 1317. Sooooohoho…….I blew that up. Do I feel guilty this morning?

Nope. Not even a little bit.

In the face of what I wanted to do and what I would have done four years or even four months ago, I restrained myself yesterday and I count it a victory. For sure I felt like a shooting gallery duck but, that’s okay because you know the great thing about those little guys?

When they get to the end of the line, they get right back up again and make another pass.

Accountability, Exercise, Food, Habits, Motivation

Two Days Later….

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Well, good morning, friends! It’s two days since I truly recommitted myself to taking care of my nutritional needs. As a by-product, of course, I’ll be shedding these pesky 20 pounds; but, the main goal here is to get back to eating healthfully, in a way that gives my body what it needs to be its best.

Using my old profile, I have started a new program on LoseIt! and it tells me that I should reach my goal in the middle of June – perfect for bathing suit weather! I entered my current weight into the program, along with my goal weight and the amount of weight I want to lose each week. It gave me a calorie budget to get to that goal. Right now, that budget is 1350 calories per day. However, as I lose weight, that number will decrease to keep me on track. Here’s the thing I have to remember, though: although my daily calorie budget will eventually be under 1200, I must eat at least that many calories each day to allow my body to function properly. If I dip below that, weight loss will slow. I will feel tired all the time. I will feel cold all that time. This is the voice of experience saying that weight loss dieters need to eat those 1200 to stay healthy. As I get further into the program and my calorie budget drops, I will have to ensure that I am exercising enough to stay within it.

For the last two days, I’ve been within that budget – yesterday, well within it. There are several different tasks I may be assigned any given night at work. Last night, I was given the most physically taxing one. I calculate that I walked anywhere from 13 to 15 miles over the course of my ten-hour shift. (And, honey, my bones are feeling every. single. step. right now.) Like exercise does, my long walk has left me hungry this morning. So, when I got home, I had a little 100 calorie snack because I don’t want to eat anything super caloric right before I go to bed.

Okay, scratch that.

I do want to eat something super caloric – like, say, oh a few chocolate glazed doughnuts from The Doughnut Palace – but, I’m not going to do that. So, yeah, I’d be lying through my teeth if I said that I’m not willing to sell a kidney for pastries right now. Indulging myself just wouldn’t be the smart thing for me to do since all of those calories would immediately go into storage. Likely on my thighs. And I’m into cleaning that storage unit out, not adding to it!

So, I’m going to drink a nice cup of herbal tea, brush my teeth and go give my body the rest that it needs.

(Psst! If you’re O+ and need a kidney, call me later!)

Body Changes, Cravings, Depression, Motivation

What Do I Know, Anyway?

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When I find myself with a set-back like the one I’m dealing with now – ugh – that negative little voice inside my head asks, “What do you know, anyway?” “Why should anyone pay any attention to what you have to say? After all, look at what you did!”

Yep. Look at what I did. I gave in to cravings and ate myself 20 pounds up the scale. It doesn’t matter if the cravings were the result of medication, 70-hour physically exhausting work weeks, heartache, or moon cycles. Those things may have caused the cravings but none of them drove me to the grocery store. None of those things bought the Tastykakes that I stuffed into my gob. Nope, I did that all by lonesome. I did it years ago and I did it this time, too. I failed myself.

But, it ain’t over yet!

I lost 94 pounds four years ago and I know how I did it. I know what worked for me and what didn’t. I know how to do it again. Here are a few things that I know without a doubt:

  1. I cannot buy bread. I can’t buy it because I cannot be trusted with it. I will eat it plain or with something smeared on it to make it a sandwich. I will eat a butter sandwich rather than make a nutrient-dense meal that my body needs. I can’t do that if there’s no bread in the house; thus, I cannot buy bread.
  2. I cannot be trusted with a family sized bag of chips. I will turn into a family of one and eat that bag all in one sitting. If I treat myself to chips, they  must be in the tiny, single serving size.
  3. I cannot open cans of mixed nuts while driving in the car. I will eat the entire can.
  4. I am an emotional eater. I must deal with wayward emotions in another way, like going for a short walk, doing ten jumping jacks, meditating, or writing lists to figure out the source of the negative emotion. Eating to make it go away solves nothing.
  5. I want the sugary snacks in the vending machines at work. Therefore, I must not take my debit card or cash to work.
  6. I am a sugar addict. I must eat more fruit to combat the cravings my body assaults me with.
  7. The_Smurfs_2_2013_(Brainy)Each meal must consist of 75% vegetables.
  8. I must move more. I don’t have to start by running a race. I can start the same way I did last time – by walking the dogs.
  9. All food must be carefully measured, else the nine-serving box of cereal becomes a three-serving box.
  10. Undocumented calories still count.
  11. There is never undocumented exercise.
  12. My food and exercise diary app is invaluable.
  13. I deserve to have a body that functions properly.
  14. I deserve to have a body I feel comfortable in.
  15. I have way too many clothes in my smaller size to redo my wardrobe now!
  16. I don’t want to redo my wardrobe.
  17. I can do this.

So, as it turns out, I know lots of things. I just have to remind myself because there is a great, big, giant chasm between knowing and doing. And, yesterday, in setting a new goal in my LoseIt app and by logging all of my food and exercise, I began doing again.

Thought Patterns

Tae a Moose

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…and I’m the moose (mouse)!

Robert Burns penned the poem “To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough” that we often quasi-quote when we say that, “The best laid plans of mice and men do often go awry.” Burns said, “The best-laid schemes o’ mice an ‘men
Gang aft agley.” But, since I don’t speak Broad Scots, I’m going with the first one. My best laid plans yesterday certainly did go awry.

As I told you, I was to have a permanent birth control procedure. I’d done the prep-work with the shot that has given me six straight weeks of PMS (aren’t you sorry you don’t live at my house?!), constant cravings, mood swings, depression, all kinds of fun stuff. Additionally, I was grieving the death of my dream of more children and fighting with my inner 25-year-old who insisted that I was just ruining everything! (Turns out, my inner 25-year-old throws a toddler worthy temper tantrum.) Even with all of this, I  knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and that the procedure was going to be a good one for me.

Until it wasn’t.

Right. I went in, got all doped up, prepped and everything only to have the procedure not work. It involves placing coils in a particular position inside a woman’s fallopian tubes, then allowing the body to build scar tissue around them. The coils would not go into the proper position; so, my sweet doctor (I really do just love her) apologized a million times and said that we would have to pursue another option since this one just was not going to work for me.

So, it turns out that I worked myself up into a fever pitch of female hormones for nothing.

Except not exactly for nothing, right? The event gave me the opportunity to examine a dream I was holding onto. Was I holding onto it because I really wanted it or was I holding onto it out of habit? I believe that it’s healthy to examine those things from time to time just to be sure. While our good dreams help us move forward, our habit dreams hold us back. Without examination, we cannot tell the one from the other.

One of my favorite quotes on that subject comes from Alan Alda. He said, “Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” We can easily substitute dreams or beliefs for assumptions without affecting the validity of the statement. Without challenging our own minds, habits, beliefs, assumptions, dreams, goals, etc., we can easily become stagnant. So, my examination led me to conclude that my dream at this point is for imaginary babies, not the ones that come with 2-am feedings and teething – the ones that require me to have lots of energy to play and lots of patience to teach – the ones like the one I had 21 years ago. I adored being the mother of that small boy and I still adore being the mother of that man. But, I have to be honest with myself and admit that I don’t really want to do that again. The joy of being a parent is overwhelming; however, so is the work involved. So, it’s time to scrub off that window and look at the world a little differently without that habit dream in it.

Today, the window is still a little cloudy, but I am confident that it will clear up, giving me a new vision for my future. I’m a little excited to see what that will be!

Thought Patterns

Letting Go of Dreams

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Okay, so last week I warned you that I was going to be all over the place with my subject matter. Then I disappeared. Sorry about that. But, really, this work schedule is beating me like I’m a rented mule! The schedule goes only through the 23rd, though; so, I should be able to get back to normal soon. In the meantime, here’s the first random subject: dreams and letting go of them.

I guess that I was in the 7th or 8th grade when I decided what I wanted to be when I grew up: a neurosurgeon. And to that end, I read book after book on the subject of the brain, its diseases, cancers, treatments, cures, etc. I was (and still am) fascinated with how the organ works and how it interfaces with the mind, each exerting control over the other. I wanted to go to undergraduate school at Johns Hopkins or Tulane, and medical school at Johns Hopkins. But, that wasn’t how it worked. I went to Mississippi State and I hit a brick wall in chemistry.

I have a problem with math. And, if you didn’t already know, chemistry is not science. It’s math masquerading as science. It destroyed me. And the dream I’d held for years. I had nothing to replace it with and went into a serious tailspin. It was incredibly difficult to let go of that dream and I foundered for years.

Today, I let go of another one: more children. (Men, you may want to stop reading now if girl talk makes you squirm.) Today, I have a permanent birth control procedure putting an end to that dream.

As you well know, I adore my son and would trade nothing on this planet or in my imagination for him. I know that had I gotten my wish of more children, he would be a different man than he is and I would not want that. However, in that way of dreams, I want him to be the person he is and I wanted more children. My pregnancy was physically easy; however, emotionally, it was hardly the way  I had always dreamt it would be. I had always dreamt that the father would love me and would be thrilled at the impending arrival of the little person we made together. It didn’t play out quite that way then and it hasn’t happened since. So, now I’m 47 and the time has come to put that particular dream to bed.

And, the truth is, I’m grieving over it.

I have a truly wonderful son who is my favorite person in the whole wide world. That’s more than many people can say and I do realize and appreciate how fortunate I am. Dreams are greedy, though, aren’t they? Well, mine are, anyway. In the face of all that I have, I still wanted more.

I still do and I may yet be able to have it!

In my twenties, I had no replacement for my dream career. Now, I do have a replacement for the dream babies I wanted (and I hear that these may actually be better!): grandchildren.

Food, Thought Patterns

Scattershot Goddess

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I haven’t published for a few days (as I hope you’ve noticed). There are a few reasons for this, the primary one being that I’m working a holiday schedule right now and am just worn slap out! By the time I get home in the mornings, I have barely enough energy to brush my teeth and go to bed, much less to sit down and write! The secondary reason is that I have several things on my mind and I’m waiting for those things to gel. Some of them, I’m deciding if they are appropriate for us to talk about at all. I’ll start with ones I know are appropriate.

Here’s the first thing on my mind: the blog, itself.

When I look at other blogs, they seem to have these nice, neat little themes they stay with. It makes for a somewhat predictable package and makes the author an authority on that one subject. I, on the other hand, am I little bit all over the place.

As you know, the blog started as a way for me to share how I lost weight. However, I often venture into the realm of emotions and thought patterns. That’s because, for me anyway, those two things (food and emotions) are inextricably linked and always have been.

I’ve told you before that I am an emotional binge eater. I’m a bulimic without the purging stage. I have been known to scarf down literally thousands of calories in one sitting. This, of course, leads to self-loathing, which leads to more bingeing, which leads to more self-loathing, which leads to …. an obese woman. My failure to acknowledge and to deal with this cycle is why all my previous diets failed and why only a complete lifestyle change would work to make me lose weight and keep it off.

I know people for whom the loss of five pounds of holiday excess is the extent of their weight loss battle – and I continue to both speak with and associate with them! But, I know far more people for whom five pounds is an afternoon snack. Those are the people with whom I can truly relate. For them, as for me, eating has an emotional component that is far larger than the stomach one. These are my people. These are the ones I understand.

So, if you ever read a week’s worth of blogs and see that I don’t appear to be holding to the weight-loss, healthy eating theme you thought the blog had, it’s because I’m really not. Or, maybe I am in a holistic sense. I just don’t see how we can separate our food intake from the other things going on in our lives and in our world, particularly if we are emotional eaters.

And, if you think I’ve been inconsistent before, hold onto your hat because I’m really going to be all over the place this week!

Body Changes, Food, Thought Patterns

Big Trucks and Big Trunks

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My friend David drives a big truck. One of his frustrations with drivers of cars is that they whip in front of him, leaving little room for him to stop if he needs to. The legal weight of a tractor trailer (without additional permits) is 80,000 pounds or 40 tons. Compare that to the average car which weighs around 5,000 pounds or 2.5 tons. It doesn’t take a physicist to figure out that it take a lot more time and space to stop that tractor trailer than it does to stop a car. Momentum and inertia are just HUGE.

Those same physical forces are pretty huge in the mind of a healthy eater, as well.

Now, stop it! I heard you say, “Oh, c’mon, Goddess! You’re really reaching now.” Okay, so first, thanks for finally addressing me properly. 🙂 And second, no – no, I’m not. Follow me here.

Your 30th high school class reunion is in October – like mine will be next year (yikes!). In late August, you realize that you’ve been to a few too many barbecues over the summer and popped the top on a few too many cold ones. You have 15 pounds to lose to be where you want to be for the celebration. You realize this, of course, just after you’ve polished off a slab of ribs, a generous scoop of potato salad and two helpings of Aunt Sally’s banana pudding. You start your reducing diet the next morning. You eat nothing but twigs and grass; but, after Day Five, you see no difference in either the numbers on the scale or the dunlap disease you’ve got going on with your blue jeans. (Dunlap disease. Remember that? It’s when your stomach has done lapped over your pants.) You get frustrated. Sound familiar?

Well, honey, your momentum was going up on the scales. Your semi was all loaded up with all those carbs that your body still had to store before it could get to using those stores. It took a while for that bad boy to come to a stop. You’ve got to stop the big truck before you can start unloading the big trunk, you see.

That’s both pretty simple and pretty self-evident. But. I still get frustrated by the delay. Like every. single. time. It’s important to remember that our bodies neither stop nor turn on a dime. We have to give them time to adjust to things. So, although I’ve corrected my over-snacking and poor food choices, I won’t see a difference in my pants for a week or two. I have to allow myself to be human and not a quick weight loss advertisement with all of its smoke, mirrors and gimmicks. I have to let my body to use (and maybe even continue to store) the extra calories I ate recently. I know that eventually, it will run out of the excess and it will start working on the stored energy that is making my jeans tight.

I have to have patience for the process and not let my efforts get jackknifed by the lack of immediate results.

Body Changes, Cravings, Depression

The Button of Truth

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Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of men? The Shadow may know that. But, who knows what calorie-laden sweets linger on the hips of mankind? The Blue Jean has that one covered.

As I’ve told you, I have not been careful with my food intake for, oh, about a month now. Last night, I firmly felt and saw the results. Oy.

I’ve known that I was gaining a little weight; but, I was using that old standby method of denial – elastic! And as we established just forEVER ago, Satan did, in fact, invent yoga pants. But, last night, I didn’t wear yoga pants. I wore my jeans. Well, most of me wore my jeans. There was some spillage over the top until everything got all stretched out. Muffin top. Yech.

I’ve earned it. And it’s not even the holidays yet; so, I can’t blame it on holiday eating! This is just plain, old emotional eating. Thankfully, I have been able to slow it down since I identified the emotions which started the whole thing. Now, I just have to deal with the aftermath, which, if I’m not careful, could lead from Depression Eating straight into Guilt Gorging. Neither of these activities or mental locations  appeared in The Princess Bride; however, I’m fairly certain that if the book had been written by a woman, there would have been no Fire Swamp, but rather the Gorge of Nervous Snacking. And there would not have been large rats. There would have been huge trees of Little Debbie cakes, potato chip flowers and a river of melted Phish Food. (I’ll let you enjoy that calorie festival vision for just a second.)

I told myself that I hadn’t done too much damage – just a pound or two; but, my jeans showed that as a lie I’ve been selling myself with a side of lycra. But, just as Wonder Woman’s golden lasso will reveal any falsehood, so will the waistband of my blue jeans. And, honey, did those show my deception last night! Thankfully, as I’ve said, I’ve already been able to slow the process to a near halt and I’ll reverse it because I know that I can and, to be in the kind of physical condition I want to be, I must.

As I’ve known all along (but need to be reminded occasionally apparently) self lies are the most dangerous. Thankfully, I have a couple of sets of lie detectors in my closet.