Category Archives: Accountability

Self-honesty

Accountability, Body Changes, Cravings, Motivation

Means, Motive and Opportunity

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I awoke this morning to find carnage in my kitchen. At the center of the obvious crime scene were the ravaged remains of a bag of barbecue potato chips, a bag of multi-grain tortilla chips, a king sized Hershey bar with almonds and a container of Dream salted caramel gelato. Oh, the horror! The inhumanity! Who could have done such a thing?! Surely not I, the Positive Thinking Blog Goddess – Her Dotyness herself!

Johnny Cochran said, “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”

But, then, Cotille Jones (remember her?) said, “If yo ass shows swell, you guilty as hell!” It seems that Ms Jones has seen my jeans.

As I’ve mentioned to you before, I am an emotional binge eater and for about the last month, I’ve been struggling with it – like Godzilla versus Megalon type struggling. Small Japanese fishing villages have been torched in the fray. And I’ve been losing.

At first, I thought the cravings were just PMS (and they might have been), but that’s not the issue now.  In public, I’m making good food choices; but, behind closed doors, I’m eating everything I can get my grubby little hands on. My cats have learned to be even stealthier than usual and my dogs sleep with one eye open. PMS cravings would have ended after just a few days. This has been going on for about a month. Now, the jeans that I could take off without unbuttoning a month ago are a real challenge to button at all. Not good. Clearly, something else is going on here.

My friend Russell told me years ago that I was one of the most self-aware people he knew. I like to think that I’m pretty self-aware; but, I like to think that I look a lot like a young Ann-Margret, too. Whatever my level of self-awareness, I am aware enough to know that to change my behavior, I have to figure out where it originates. If I want to stop my emotional binge-eating, I have to uncover the emotion(s) that is (are) causing it. To that end, I’ve been poking around in my mind to see what anxiety fuse has blown.

The suspects:

  1. Money. Since my income dropped by about 75% last year, I’m always worried about money. Nothing has happened to change that; so, that’s certainly a contributor.
  2. Holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. I have to work Thanksgiving; so, I’ll likely be asleep all day and working that night. The traditional holiday meal will likely be just like every other day’s meal. Since I’m not starving, that’s only a First World Problem. I don’t have to work Christmas; however, with money as tight as it is, I don’t see how I can fly my son home for the holiday. It will be our first one apart and just the thought of it is ripping me up, especially since it has been a year since I’ve seen him. Another First World Problem.
  3. Health. I had some curious symptoms that were scaring me. Tests have shown that there’s nothing abnormal going on – no cancer. Relief.
  4. Disappointment. I had an idea where I would be at this point in my life and I’m just not there. I’m trying very hard to get there, but it’s unbelievably difficult.

I worked at Complete Automotive Repair and Service in Metairie, LA. (Julie’s, to most of our customers.) We had this one customer who, when asked how she was, would always reply, “I don’t have any problems that money can’t solve. So, I guess I’m good.” That’s what I need to focus on. And I’m trying.

I don’t walk miles each day to get water of questionable safety. No mortars fall in my town. I don’t live in fear of being attacked every time I leave my front door. I don’t have to wear a burka or have a male escort to go anywhere. I can vote. I can publicly disagree with my government. I can practice any (or no) religion I choose. Stocked grocery stores are all over town. And I have my pick of doctors to see when I’m ill.

As long as I have food, clothing, shelter and health, the rest are just First World Problems that I should be grateful I have.

Then, how come I still want a brownie?

 

 

 

Accountability, Food

In Your Dreams!

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Catholic school guilt run amok. That’s what it is. I attended St. Francis for fewer than four years; but, the nuns still clearly got to me. I am feeling guilty for things I haven’t even done!

Tuesday  night, I dreamt that I drank a Diet Coke and Wednesday, I awoke feeling like I should go to confession. Are you serious?! Yep.

I first encountered this phenomenon (I’m going to call it that so that it ranks right up there with the Bermuda Triangle, telekinesis and the success of the Kardashians) when I quit smoking. At first, I would often smoke in my dreams and wake feeling very disappointed in myself for a few minutes before I figured out that I hadn’t actually done anything. My subconscious mind was still seeing me the way it had for a couple of decades – as a smoker. I guess on Tuesday night, it was still seeing me as a Diet Coke guzzler.

10365907_10152614322598197_80319119227901736_nThe only thing I remember about the dream is that, in it, someone bought me the soft drink and I drank it so as not to be rude – Southern belle training at its best, right there, folks. My guess is that the dream sprang from my weekend away visiting with friends and family. At the tailgate on Saturday, there was all kinds of food that I don’t normally eat anymore, namely chicken nuggets from Chik-Fil-A, and both barbecue chicken and pork from Little Dooey. Now, I have scarfed more than my share of both over the years; but, I don’t anymore. But, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t tempted.

As you know, I stopped drinking caffeine on August 8th and I stopped eating meat at about the same time. While in New Orleans, I did order a cafe au lait to go with my beignets, but I had a decaf because I truly do like how I feel without the caffeine jitters and headaches. Last week, I went off the food reservation once when I had a fried pork chop from 400 Degrees Chicken (in my opinion, the best hot chicken in Nashville) and again when I had a chargrilled oyster from Acme Oyster House in New Orleans. The pork chop was super tasty (as I knew it would be); but, it sat in my stomach like a brick and I felt just all kinds of gross later. The one oyster I ate was just as yummy as they always are; but, I really did prefer my red beans and rice.

In the end, I imagine that the soda popped up in my dream as a result of the meat that I ate and some bizarro misplaced guilt I feel over having eaten it. The fact is: I ate it. It’s done. And, in the eating of it, I showed myself that the path I’m currently on is the right one for me. The meat (well, the pork chop) made me feel crummy and, in the end, the delight my taste buds experienced just wasn’t worth the upset that the rest of my system underwent.

So, while Jimmy Carter may count it cheating on Rosalyn if he even looks lustfully on another woman, I don’t count it cheating when I dream of soft drinks or filet mignon. I’m not even sure I count my recent actual intake of meat as cheating. It’s more productive if I count it as a lesson learned.

Accountability, Food, Social Issues

Baby Fat

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“Not I!” I thought.  My son never had a food or weight problem. I was busy spraining my arm patting myself on the back when I realized that, while those two things are true, it wasn’t because I was a good role model or conscientious dietician. The fact is, he doesn’t have a sweet tooth and he has his father’s metabolism, not mine. My son wasn’t a fat child because of inclination and genetics, not good parenting. Even realizing this, I stare through the cracked windows of my glass house and recognize that we are facing a crisis – a very real and very national one.

I remember only one seriously overweight kid in my grade growing up.  His name was Stanley. When I first transferred from Catholic school to public school in the third grade, I had some trouble with some girls in my class. I didn’t know how to relate to them and they seemed to see me as fresh meat. At recess one day, one of the girls actually spit in my hair. I was embarrassed, very hurt, and seriously grossed out. That afternoon (or in my memory it was that afternoon, anyway) Stanley gave me a grape Now & Later candy. It was the first Now & Later I’d ever had. I liked it and I was thankful for the kindness of this boy. Stanley’s last name was Roundtree, which was really unfortunate for an overweight kid. You can imagine the teasing he endured. As the only kid that big in our grade, he was an easy target.

Look at kids now.  How many seriously overweight children do you see in each grade?  A whole lot more than one!  And look at us adults.  Obesity puts a huge amount of strain on the body.  It strains the heart, the lungs, and the skeleton.  How many people are walking around with little oxygen tanks now?  Those little scooters are BIG business. Sleep apnea treatments are common.  Who had even really heard of that 20 years ago? If we have descended this far in only 20 years, what’s it going to be like when this generation of grammar school children are grown? Who is going to take care of the millions whose bodies won’t allow them to take care of themselves?

First Lady Michelle Obama is the face of the Let’s Move organization. Polarizing politics aside, I think that we can all agree that we want our children to be healthier and happier than we are. Unfortunately, the Let’s Move website is bigger on ideas than on functionality. Prevent Obesity‘s site is a little better, but offers nothing in the way of nutritional education, which concerns me a great deal. When we teach our children than ketchup is a vegetable and that a fried fruit pie is as good as a piece of fruit, we are lying to them and setting them up to make poor nutritional choices. It’s time we stop putting a spin on everything and shoot straight when it comes to nutrition education.

Broccoli, squash, peas, beans, sweet potatoes – these are vegetables. Ketchup is not. Eating a slice of apple with added sugar cooked into a pie is not the same thing as eating an apple. If we as adults want to tell ourselves these lies to silence our consciences while we indulge, okay, get after it. But to lie to our children who look to us for truth and guidance is wrong. Period.

We must educate them with the truth about food. If we don’t, the advertising industry will fill the void, leading babies’ fat into adult obesity.

Accountability, Social Issues, Thought Patterns

Failingly Compassionate

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You know those people who are just unfailingly compassionate? I’m talking about people like Mother Theresa and … well … Mother Theresa. I’m just like her except that I don’t have that “un” part.

I’ve been kicked in the teeth quite a few times – more times than many people I know, but fewer times than other people. Still, you’d think that having experienced some of the things that I have, I’d be a compassionate person – and I am….most of the time. At least I think it’s most of the time. Maybe I’m compassionate only some of the time. In any case, I’m not a nice person all of the time.

I try very hard to give people the benefit of the doubt or to try to see things from their perspective. I can’t always do it. When I fail, I try to keep my nasty little judgemental remarks inside my head; but, sometimes I fail at that, too.

justice-gavel-color-hiAnd I’m about to fail again right now.

If you haven’t heard yet, a 350-pound British woman is blaming the government for her obesity.  She lives in government housing (at no cost to herself) and receives welfare to support herself and her two young children. In spite of the fact that her benefits are worth an estimated $62,000 per year, gyms and healthful food options are just too expensive, she says.

Now, there are a million different ways to attack this woman’s argument and I’ve read most of them. But, the issue I have no compassion for here and elsewhere is the culture of victimhood.  I’ve been an unmarried mother. I’ve been obese (although not 350 pounds). And I’ve been poor. And, guess what? All of those things were in some way the result of my own choices. So, they were my fault (if that’s the word we want to use) and no one else’s. (Okay, so maybe not Hurricane Katrina, but most of the rest of the stuff was the result of choices I made.)

I am utterly sick to death of “it’s not my fault” or “I didn’t mean to.”

Actions have consequences. Period. They always have and they always will.

If I punch a policeman in the nose, I will be arrested. If I don’t meet the requirements of my  job, I will be fired. If I have unprotected sex, I will eventually get pregnant. And, if I fill my cabinet with Pop Tarts and the like, I will become (or stay) obese. If I stay obese, I will develop diseases like diabetes, arthritis, and heart disease. My body will hurt.

And until I accept responsibility for my current condition, I cannot change it.

As I told you yesterday, to deal with my fatigue and the food temptations that came along with it, I had to put on my Big Goddess Panties and suck it up. And we all have to do that if we are going to effect any kind of change in our own lives. (Men, you can pull up your Aquaman Underoos. If you choose Big Goddess Panties, I really don’t want to know about it. Mmmmk?)

I got into most of my fixes under my own power and I can bloody well get out of them that way, too. I’m not unfailingly compassionate and I’m not powerless either.

Accountability, Cooking, Eating Out, Food, Habits, Motivation

Heroes and Villains

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Superman has Lex Luthor. Sherlock Holmes has Moriarty. Spiderman has the Green Goblin. And Kermit has Miss Piggy. Every superhero has an archenemy – some villain that is a constant thorn in his side. Where Batman has the Joker, the Penguin, Catwoman, Two Face and Mr. Freeze (I don’t know how Batman rates all those villains, really. It’s not like he’s Superman, for crying out loud.), Resolve has Fatigue and his sidekick Convenience.

Capitan-America-obeseAs we’ve discussed several times, making healthful food choices isn’t necessarily easy and it certainly isn’t convenient. For whatever reason, last week, I got less sleep than usual. I also did not take the time I needed to take to prepare foods like I normally do. As a result, drive-thrus all over town talked to me as I drove past. It wasn’t that I even craved a burger or fries or a banana milkshake; I was just hungry and didn’t want to fool with making anything. While I resisted the temptations – even the milkshake, a heroic feat if ever there was one, resistance grew more difficult as the week wore on and my level of fatigue increased.

Well, there’s only one way to deal with that. That’s right. I had to put on my Big Goddess Panties and suck it up.

I went grocery shopping on Sunday to stock up on good fruits and veggies again. Some of those veggies, including a butternut squash, are roasting in the oven right this very minute. (I had to buy the biggest butternut squash they had to repair some soup I made with the gourd last week. I put WAY too much garlic in that batch; so, I have to dilute it. Good thing that soup freezes well!) Yellow squash, zucchini (staples in my kitchen) and eggplant also found their way into the basket. Sadly, they had no large portobellos that I can eat like a steak. The small ones still make for a great stir-fry, though.

In addition to the vegetables, I soaked and cooked some beans. I prepared chickpeas, black beans and lentils. The chickpeas will become hummus, soup and this wonderful chickpea salad that I just love. The black beans will be seasoned to serve with rice. They will also become black bean burgers as soon as I find a recipe that I like. The lentils will be a lentil loaf. I’ve never made one before; but, this recipe sounds wonderful!

I can’t say that this week I’ll get any more sleep and/or rest than I did last week; but, I can say that I’m better prepared to deal with the snacky feelings and temptations that the fatigue brings.

Fatigue Man and Convenience Boy, you’re on notice! I’m still in my Big Goddess Panties. You’ll not find me at your evil Drive-Thru lair, regardless of how tired I am or how strong that pumpkin pie milkshake tractor beam is.

Accountability

So, What Had Happened Was……

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I know. I know. I said that I’d commit to writing on Mondays and Thursdays; but, I completely missed last Thursday. Well, what had happened was…..

Generally, you know that a great, big, fat lie is coming when a sentence starts off with those words; however, let me finish and it may make sense to you.

I go to work every evening at 6:30 PM. I get off the following morning at 5:00 AM. I go home, do some stuff, then go to sleep. I awake again at 4 or so ON THE SAME DAY I FELL ASLEEP. I used to call going to sleep and waking on the same day a nap. Now, I call it a night’s sleep. It’s the weirdest thing ever and, as a result of it, I rarely know what day it is. It used to be a challenge for me to remember the date. Now, seriously, it’s a big deal if I know what day of the week it is. I no longer have cable; so, I don’t watch television. I don’t read the newspaper and I don’t often look at the date on the news articles that I do read. I don’t have a calendar touch point anymore; so, I just float from one day to the next in an endless stream of time without artificial barriers. Then, last week, I heard someone say something about how happy they were that it was Friday and I thought, “Oh, crap. I missed publishing yesterday.” Cross my heart. I did think that.

If you have ever worked third shift, you know exactly what I mean. If you haven’t, you have no clue what I mean and, frankly, I’m jealous that I’m no longer one of you.

I tell people all the time that I have become a vampire and that isn’t far from the truth. Because I work overtime most weeks, I work ten-hour shifts, five days a week. The sleep I do get is during the day and is often interrupted and poor. I feel chronically sleep deprived. I do housework, etc. at night and rarely see the sun. I miss the sun.

I miss my friends who sleep at night. I miss hockey (I’ve missed nearly the whole season and can’t even give you the Preds’ roster anymore. Scandalous, I tell you!) I miss knowing what day it is. Hell! I miss knowing what month it is!

But, mostly, I think, I miss the sun.

You’d think that after months of this, I’d be used to it or at least have some kind of handle on it; but, I don’t. So, I beg your indulgence (again) as I figure out a way to live up to my commitment of posting at least twice a week. And, again, thanks so much for continuing to visit with me.

Accountability, Food

SitRep – ACK!!!!

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I’m a huge NCIS fan – the original NCIS. (I keep asking Santa to bring me Jethro Gibbs for Christmas; but, he just brings me kitchen implements and hair thingies. I think Santa doesn’t understand just how serious I am about this.) On the show, they are forever talking about “sitreps.” Now, in the spirit of Abby and the gang, Ima give you the latest situation report for the Goddess.

yikes-catOkay, so remember AGES ago when I said that Satan invented stretch fabrics? Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure he’s behind PMS, too, and I am reasonably certain he sits on the board of some baking companies.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been an absolute slave to my hormones. Good grief! Thankfully, this degree of craving is a very rare occurrence; however, when it happens, it takes me WEEKS to recover. And have I been craving apples? greens? lean meats, maybe? Oh, my goodness not a chance. It’s been all about the Ho Hos, honey! Yes, that unholy trinity of wheat, chocolate and sugar has had my number for days now and I can feel it in the fit of my jeans. Thankfully, we seem to be at the end of this sugar siege and the damage isn’t irreparable.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? As long as we’re still on this side of the grass, the damage isn’t irreparable.

Or, at least most of it isn’t. Joints damaged by decades of extra pounds cannot currently fully heal; but, they can get better. Even diabetes can get better with a carefully controlled diet and exercise – or, shoot! Just with a carefully controlled diet!

I’ve said it over and over again: this isn’t a one time fix-it thing. It’s not like earning a diploma – once you get it, it’s yours forever. This is a lifelong process. When you reach your goal weight, you don’t get to stop watching your intake and fuel burn, reverting to your previous eating habits – not if you want to keep the weight off. No, this lifestyle is a series of choices – every time you fix your plate, every time you chose the stairs over the elevator. With every morsel or movement, you are choosing to remain healthy or choosing to regress to poor health.

As I sit here writing this, I have a cold – my third since Autumn. When I was eating a mindfully balanced diet, I had no colds – not one. Now, I was also working out of my home and my contact with the outside world was more limited than it is currently. However, even then, my son was living at home and we all know how germy kids are. (We love them; but, they’re like plague rats – carrying everything!) I have been eating poorly and certainly not in a regularly balanced way since October and my health has suffered. I’ve had these colds, my skin, hair and nails are dry and damaged, my joints hurt, my spirit is low and my digestive system is in constant turmoil. By not choosing to be healthy, I’ve chosen to be unhealthy. So, in short, my sitrep is ACK! However, again, the damage isn’t irreparable.

Time to get my culinary tools out and start fixing! Are you coming?

Accountability, Exercise, Food

IDonWanna

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sulking boyYou know those days when you’re just itching to get to the gym and get in a great workout? (Pretend. Work with me, here.) Well, last night wasn’t one of them.  So, I bought a two liter of Vernor’s Ginger Ale, a pint of Phish Food, a bag of kettle corn and I settled onto the couch to watch my very own Timothy Olyphant film festival.

Okay, no, I didn’t.

I went to the gym anyway and did my full workout. I didn’t want to; but, I put on my big girl panties and got it done. Why? Because I’ve made a commitment to myself and I’m not going to cheat with Phish Food and Timothy Olyphant. (Okay, maybe him, but not the ice cream.) I’m working too hard at removing these last pounds to derail myself with a sugar coma of Biblical proportions, which would be the result of that menu, I can assure you.

Parenting is easier on days when we’re in a good mood, our children are behaving like humans and we don’t get stuck in traffic behind either a bus or a garbage truck. Likewise, dieting is easier on days when we aren’t at the mercy of hormone cravings, when the beautiful weather inspires a long walk, and our schedules have plenty of time for a workout. The occurrences of those kinds of days are roughly equivalent and may coincide with blue moons. The real world just doesn’t operate like that most of the time.

I was tired from work, stressed over a million things, had chores at home and just didn’t feel like it. I felt like my cousin’s daughter who simply refused to get dressed for school yesterday. Had I been that toddler, I’d have stared defiantly and said, “IDonWanna.” Well, IDonWanna ain’t gonna get me back into my cute skirts, now, is it? IDonWanna isn’t going to get me to my goals or do me any favors. All it’s going to do is inspire guilt and crank up those nasty, old, unhealthy recordings again.

For me, it’s easier to fight the Inner Toddler if I have some kind of routine. I don’t make it to the gym at the same time every night, but I try to get close.  And I’m establishing the habit of going every weekday.  If I go only on alternating days, I will find reasons not to go – laundry, dishes, navel gazing. Maybe you can go on alternating days and, if that works for you, go for it!  In the oddest things, though, I prefer uniformity and one of those things is in my schedule.  I like some kind of pattern and predictability.  It allows me to get into a groove that can become a habit that I can keep.

Building those habits helps motivate me on days when the Inner Toddler is running amok. The pattern and routine help keep me on track when, like Hays, I really just donwanna.

Accountability, Exercise

Challenge – Day One

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1inCRYSTALSRelax, I’m not going to phone in the next 30 days worth of posts with minor challenge updates; however, I am going to talk about today, the first day of my 30-Day Challenge.  Today was heavy on fitness.

I did a lot of walking today that I’m not going to count towards my total; however, I have some rather heavy topics weighing on my mind these days.  When I found myself brooding on them (brooding is such a descriptive word, don’t you think?), I would get up from y desk, walk down the four flights of stairs, march around the building, then walk back up the stairs.  I made this trek three times. My black heels are not designed for this.

After work and feeding the hordes, I took myself off to the gym where I sweated on the elliptical for 20 minutes, lifted weights for 30 (working on arms, shoulders and back), then walked for another 18 minutes.  My fitness goals for the month were:

  • Get to the gym 12 times
  • Walk 12 miles
  • Drink 1920 oz of water (she says that’s 64 oz a day)

I’ve made one trek to the gym, walked one mile and I consumed roughly 100 ounces of water today. It’s a decent start.

You guys didn’t share your Challenge goals with me (for shame). Anybody get started on it?

Accountability, Habits

30-Day Challenge

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Autumn at the Amish marketMy friend Erika posted something yesterday that has me making a new To-Do list for myself: she posted a 30-Day Challenge, October list.  Her list breaks down several areas of her life and she’s given herself a few things to do in each category.  She’s got fitness, personal health, work and fun. Her tasks are things like walk 24 miles, drink 1920 oz of water during October, make a conscious effort at healthier daily eating, see a current movie in a theater with popcorn, hike.

I really like this challenge and am coming up with my own list (I thought about just stealing hers wholesale; but, that was just tooooo worthless).

Fitness:

  • Get to the gym 12 times
  • Walk 12 miles
  • Drink 1920 oz of water (she says that’s 64 oz a day)

Personal health (I’m including mental health in this):

  • Write four letters to friends
  • Take my daily vitamin – um – DAILY
  • Sleep at least seven hours a night

Work:

  • Attend 12 networking functions
  • Complete four areas of self-study
  • Meet with 12 people each week

Fun:

  • Take photos in small towns in the area one Saturday
  • Actually decorate for Halloween
  • Host a Samhain dinner

Looking at life recently, I have become overwhelmed and am grieving over some things – that’s easy to do, right? But we’ve discussed before how unhealthy it is to get stuck in that process. We need to fully feel, grieve and get through processes; however, we also need to stay solution focused to avoid becoming trapped in those processes.  Looking at all I have to do, I become overwhelmed and paralyzed.  So, the list breaks it down to 12 simple steps.  After all, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!

As important as each of these steps will be on their own, Erika’s note to herself at the bottom of the list will be the mantra throughout the month:  Remember to breathe and suck it up, buttercup.

What trials are you dealing with right now? Are you too overwhelmed to affect a solution? Try breaking it down into smaller steps.  Make a manageable list. Share it with friends, family or here (you’re among friends, after all). By sharing the lists, we become accountable to others and they become our cheering section and our support group.

With every step, remember to breathe.  Well, breathe and suck it up, buttercup!