Category Archives: Thought Patterns

What’s going on in my head

Blow Pop or Blowhard?

goblinI really love Dean Koontz novels.  In 1985’s Twilight Eyes, main character Slim MacKenzie uses psychic powers to hunt monsters that mimic humans.  The monsters (goblins) feed on human suffering.  When Slim sees them gathering in large numbers, he knows that they have engineered something tragic to happen – like a ferris wheel failing, killing or injuring all aboard and around it.   Okay, so maybe the book isn’t realistic; but, when I read it, I thought how appropriate that concept of goblins masquerading as humans was.  They may look like a duck, walk and quack like a duck, but, honey, they ain’t no duck!

Now, think about that for a minute.  I’ve talked about emotional vampires before – those people who just suck the very will to live out of your bones.   These are not “glass half-empty” people: they are “someone stole half my water” people.  They never have anything positive to say and mock anyone who tries to improve themselves.  You know who they are.  You are thinking of them right now.  Now, think about those people you know who are slyly negative.  They spread rumors, create friction and start conflict just to watch others deal with the uproar. They appear to be supportive, but point out every pit-fall, every time, just so you can be “realistic.” Uh-huh.  Him.  Her. Yep, they’re goblins.

They destroy, not build.  We have to guard against their destructiveness, against their efforts to turn our spirits into shadows.  More than that, we have to guard against their efforts to turn us into them. It is so easy to respond to their venom with venom of our own – and from time to time may be necessary – but, when we allow it to become a habit, we begin to lose our reflections in the mirror.

As an agent for American Eagle, I took all kinds of abuse.  I had things thrown at me, was belittled and literally called everything but a child of God.  One nasty passenger could just ruin my attitude – and for the whole day, if I let them.  One night, a stranger reminded me that for every horrible, blowhard passenger, there were hundreds of great ones.

Way back when Moses was in short pants, American Eagle pilots overnighting in Columbus, MS, stayed in a hotel that had a charity box selling Blow-Pops at the front desk. I regularly asked the guys to bring me one, but those cheapskates busy pilots never did. One evening, I was working my normal closing shift when the phone rang. The caller wanted to know if the flight from Nashville was on time. As it happened, the captain, whom I was dating, had just called in-range to say that they would be on the ground in 15 to 20 minutes. I had previously given him a hard time about sweetly requested that he bring me Charms Blow-Pops; so, when he called in, I asked if he had candy for me. “Nope,” said he. “Then you’d better be here in 15,” said I. Now, for whatever reason (youth, vanity, stupidity, whatever) I related the gist of this conversation to this unknown caller, hung up the phone and promptly forgot the whole thing. The flight arrived; passengers deplaned; bags unloaded; aircraft cleaned and put to bed. Just before walking out the door, I stopped by the ticket counter to make certain that I had secured everything. Lying on top of one of the printers, was a Charms Blow-Pop. The only person who would have left that there was the caller whose name I didn’t know and whom, to my knowledge, I never met. That stranger made my evening and gave me a lesson far more valuable than the 25 cent lollipop.

Every day, we encounter great people with the occasional goblin thrown in.  The temptation is there; but, ultimately, our responses are up to us.  What do we choose to be: builder or destroyer? sprite or goblin? Blow Pop or blow-hard?

Restoring My Soul

My spirit got a little banged up over the last couple of weeks.  I was dealing with all kinds of head trash and serious cerebral poppycock.  On Thursday, I developed a plan to get back on course and I began implementing it. Friday saw me making strides in the office, then spending time with my friend Nan sharing burdens Friday night.

Sun, breeze and waterThe real restoration work began on Saturday when I got a haircut.  I didn’t make any huge style change but she cleaned up the edges and gave me some little side bangs.  Just a little change, but I felt perkier the second I walked out the door.  Then, I went kayaking with my friend Mark.  We didn’t fight any white water or brave any rapids.  We paddled upstream for awhile then paddled and floated back downstream.  We talked about the weird trivial things we both seem to know.  We enjoyed the warm sun, the gentle breeze and the general lack of mechanized noise.  No radios. No phones. No cars. Few motorized boats and few aircraft.  It was us, the sound of the water, the odd fishing jumping and the birds. It was peaceful.

Sunday was spent in the company of The Bestest Dad Ever, cousins, and friends in Memphis.  A lunch that couldn’t be beat (hum a few bars of Alice’s Restaurant here) saw the table groaning from the weight of smothered pork chops, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, grilled chicken, baked zucchini with pecorino romano, pink beans, biscuits, layered salad, cucumber tomato salad, and (in spite of my milk issues) tres leches cake.  Tres leche cake isn’t in the eating program, you say?  Well……. Aside from the splendid food, the company was genial and enjoyable.

On the whole, the weekend was just the balm my bruised spirit needed.  And what does it boil down to?  A battle plan for fixing the things that have gone wrong and time with – you got it – my support system!

If you are tired, wounded, or bruised.  I can say to you with renewed conviction that you MUST identify your support system and use them to restore your spirit.  You can tell them that you’re leaning on them or not, it doesn’t matter.  They are your support system and time spent with people who truly love you and who truly want what is best for you is priceless. (And every great now and then, a slice of truly exceptional tres leche cake is pretty priceless, too.)

Do those things that soothe you – listen to good music, go for a hike, ride a horse, take in a movie, reread your favorite book.  If your spirit is bruised or harassed, you’ve got to take a little time to restore it.  It is your core.  If it isn’t healthy, the rest of you cannot be sustained.  Take care of the center of who you are.

Again today, I’m working on that for me.

 

Apathy Isn’t a City in Greece

Looking back at this week’s posts, you can see that a certain joy is lacking – or at least I can.  This week has been a tough one for me, internally.  I’ve had some things come up that have been major stressors and I would love to tell you that I arose victorious over them, celery stick in hand, running shoes on feet.  Yeah, well, except that didn’t happen.  For breakfast one morning, I had brownie batter.  That’s right, batter. I didn’t even cook it.  I was jonesing for the chocolate so bad, it’s really a wonder that I even put the water, eggs and oil in the mix.

Parthenon at Centennial ParkThe cobwebs of last week’s negativity are still clinging to me a bit and I’m behind in my work.  In this new career, if you get behind a little, you get behind a lot.  I can make it up since I believe in the value proposition of what I do; however, next week, I’m going to have to run three times as fast. I know that I have all that work to look forward to and I know that there is no one to blame but myself.  Don’t you just hate that?!  When you want to get your mad on at someone, but the only person who really deserves it is yourself?

I haven’t cared enough to fight, that’s my real crime.  We talk about it all the time – we fight cravings, we fight laziness, we fight poor decisions.  We do all of these things because we are fighting for ourselves.  I didn’t do that this week.  I let the tide of apathy wash over me carrying with it reruns of NCIS and brownie batter when I should have been fighting that tide with walks and tri-colored carrots.

No, Apathy isn’t a city in Greece and it’s not a cataclysmic force, either.  It is a slowly rising tide – the one that rises so slowly, you don’t realize you’re in over your head until you actually are.  Apathy creeps up on us.  It steals into our diets one snack at a time and into our wardrobes with larger sizes and elastic waists. Apathy is the root of more failure than any other factor and we don’t even notice it.  We have to notice it, though.  We have to remember the end goal and keep working towards it.

I failed this week in a big way; however, because I know that denial isn’t a river in Egypt (Oh, c’mon! Don’t act like you didn’t know that was coming), I have to own these failures, forgive myself for them, and move on.

The Cassandra Effect

Cassandra by Evelyn De Morgan (1898, London)Recently, I’ve been identifying with Cassandra – you know, the daughter of King Priam and Queen Hecuba.  With her fair skin, curly red hair, and blue eyes, Greek mythology portrays her as intelligent, beautiful, charming, and elegant.  Check, check, check, and check. She is also shown as friendly, gentle and a great Scrabble player.  Oh, yeah – and insane.  I made up the Scrabble part, but the insane thing is totally there.  But, wait! She was insane for good reason.  Apollo.  (Wouldn’t you know that a man would be involved?) Because of her beauty, he gave her the gift of prophecy. But, he hit on her, she blew him off, he cursed her.  Her curse was that, although she could foresee the future, no one would believe her. Cassandra is the original queen of I Told You So.

Maybe it’s middle age. Maybe it’s new knowledge. Maybe it’s conceit.  Whatever the root, I seem to spend a great deal of time these days thinking, “If I had only known then what I know now.” With my new career, I have the zeal of a convert.  This new knowledge is fascinating and so very useful that I feel compelled to share it with people I know. Everyone I know.  Even the ones who don’t want to hear it. It’s possible that I’m the tiniest bit obnoxious about it.  Just the tiniest bit, mind you.

When I quit smoking, I never really became a non-smoker.  I didn’t become one of those who crinkled their noses at the smell of smoke or gazed condescendingly at smokers. Six years later, I sometimes gaze at them with jealousy, if you want to  know the truth, but never with condescension.  Oddly enough, I can’t say the same thing about food. I’ve gotten really weird about that.

Last month, I went to the Renaissance Festival because I still like to play dress-up and because they have Scotch eggs there. While there, I was nearly physically ill with what I saw – whole families of obese to morbidly obese people eating turkey legs, funnel cakes and fried potatoes.  The lines for the food vendors were ridiculous all day even though authenticity wasn’t on the menu – I’m pretty sure Elizabethan Brits didn’t wander around noshing on chocolate dipped cheesecake on a stick.  I watched as America’s future disabled stumbled around with hands holding literally thousands of calories.  Worse than the adults eating garbage were adults feeding garbage to already overweight children! The view from my high horse was truly amazing.

I’ve told you all I struggle and I lose (these days as often as I win, it seems); so, I’m seated squarely in the middle of a glass house here as far as food goes. I see health insurance rates rising. We all see the panic in the media; but what we don’t see are things we can actually do about it.  Losing weight and eating more wholesome foods are two things we can do to reduce our healthcare costs.  I don’t suspect it – I know it.

Before making these massive changes, I was in the doctor’s office at least once, if not twice, a month.  I didn’t feel good.  Various complaints, but the common thread was feeling tired and run down. Since changing my diet nearly two years ago, I have been to my family doctor…once.  For a rash on my nose.  Once.

We’ve got Medicare and Medicaid helping the retired and the needy in our society and we need those.  I wonder, though, how much health care for avoidable disabilities is costing those programs. I’m talking about people who are disabled because of poor lifestyle choices, not by genetics or misfortune but from diet and exercises choices they made.

The country is getting fatter.  This is a health crisis now; but, if we don’t address it, it’s going to be a financial one in the near future, as well.

I Have To Be My Neighbor

When I worked at an air charter company in Latrobe, PA, we once had the opportunity to fly Mr. Rogers – yes, THAT Mr. Rogers – cardigan, sneakers, the whole nine. Everyone in our organization who dealt with him that day was a professional, not wet behind the ears and we had all dealt with celebrities before.  Still.  When Mr. Rogers walked into that lobby, we were all instantly five, peeking at him around corners, scuffing our toes on the floor.  I KNEW I was being ridiculous; but, I couldn’t seem to stop myself!  When I spoke with Mr. Rogers’ brother-in-law some weeks later, he assured me that it happened all the time and that Fred loved it.

safe placeI suppose he would have, wouldn’t he?  In the instant that we all became children in his company, he knew that he had a special place in all of our hearts and memories.  He was a positive point of reference. For many children, he was likely their ONLY positive point of reference.  In abusive and neglectful homes, the words coming from Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood may have been the only kind ones those children heard all day.  What an incredible thing for him to know! And what an incredible man to continue to do it for so many years in the face of so much mockery!

The older I get, the more aware I am of the toxic recordings in my own mind. Even though I didn’t start them, I’m the one who keeps looping them. “You can’t do it.” “You’re not good enough.” “You don’t deserve any better.” “You look too much like Ann-Margaret.” (Okay, that last one isn’t real but I’m trying to start it).  These negative recordings are all variations on a theme that I am coming to believe nearly all of us fight with. We all feel (as my friend Laura used to say) Less Than – less than someone else, less than expected, less than enough.

When we are young, we are limited in how we can control or change an unsafe, unkind or unhealthy environment.  However, once we are grown, that control shifts a great deal.  I won’t say that we can always control or change those environments – to say that would be to presume I know everything and I’ve already told y’all that: 1. I don’t have all the answers, 2. I’m not even clear on all the questions, and 3. The knowledge I share comes from what worked and what didn’t work for me.  However, I will say that we can control or change more of those environments than we usually give ourselves credit for.  We are often quick to snap up that Victim title when we are more accurately Volunteers.

Those toxic recordings?  TURN THEM OFF!  I have to remind myself to do this all the time.  All. The. Time.  Like a dog with a squirrel, my mind heads right back to the bad thoughts and I have to jerk it around again. I am the only one who can do that for myself and it’s a nonstop process.

However, to be successful in anything, I have to be kind to myself, to make my mind a safe place and to be my own neighbor. And I have to continue doing that as long as I have breath and lucidity to do it.

The Ox Is Slow, But The Earth is Patient

….well, the Earth may be; but, I’m not!

High_Road_to_ChinaIn the 1983 movie High Road to China, Patrick O’Malley (Tom Selleck, not Phil Harris in the Aristocats), is advised by a local to remember that, “The ox is slow, but the Earth is patient.”  I saw the movie in theaters; so, I don’t remember exactly what the man was telling O’Malley to cool his jets about.  Regardless, the adage is a good one and one that I must remember all the time.

Progress takes time.  Rome wasn’t built in a day. All the flowers of all of the tomorrows are in the seeds of today. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But, don’t we all want Mr. Rourke to work his magic?  Don’t we want to go to sleep fat and wake up thin?  We’ve made up our minds, after all, shouldn’t the commitment be enough? Well, sugar, there’s a reason that show was called Fantasy Island.  That little trick worked only for Adrienne Barbeau and, even then, only for the weekend.  For lasting results for everyone, we have to work and we have to work hard.

We have to work on our food choices.  We have to work on our exercise habits.  Mostly, we have to work on the Why.  We have to identify and neutralize our triggers.  Stress, boredom and depression are huge triggers for me, to the point where you might actually find me sitting in the ice cream freezer at the grocery store if I’m dealing with more than one of them at a time. Wave as you go by, won’t you?

I watch for signs of any of these three triggers; but, I’m finding that just watching for the signs isn’t really enough.  To be most effective, I have to suss out the triggers’ triggers.  Let’s face it, for people who have only ever been five pounds overweight, they likely have holiday food issues. Step away from the cookie tray and they’re back to normal in no time.  But, for those of us who have been 20, 40, 90, 150 pounds overweight, food isn’t REALLY our issue.  We have to find out what that issue is and deal with it.  Until we excise that spiritual cancer, we aren’t really going to make any permanent progress.  And sometimes even a great support system isn’t enough to help us identify and neutralize the issues.  In that case, consider consulting a mental health professional – holistic, TCM, Western medicine, whatever.  Talk to your priest, your pastor, your minister.  Red Baron and Lorna Doone are not going to be able to help you. Use every weapon you can get your hands on when fighting for yourself.

It’s a difficult, life-long fight.  I know that.  I know I didn’t put weight on overnight and I know that it’s not going to come off overnight.  I know that I have to cut  myself some slack and count all progress as good.

It just sounds a lot more zen to talk about oxen and Earth.

Spiderwebs and Blog Goddesses

spiderwebI have felt like the biggest fraud for the last couple of days.  I am the self-proclaimed Positive Thinking Blog Goddess and I have been covered in and permeated by negativity.

There are at least two kinds of negativity: malicious and incidental.  This week, I have been touched repeatedly by incidental negativity – sadness and tragedy of friends and friends of friends.  Two dear friends buried the grandmothers to whom they were both extraordinarily close.  One friend buried her husband. A woman’s 11-year-old only child was killed in a car wreck. Another woman began chemo for breast cancer. While my own family and friends’ bodies were safe, many of their spirits received nasty blows.

We’ve spoken many times about how your support system is there for you when you need them.  Turnabout is fair play and this week is was my turn to be someone else’s support system, to be a part of their community.  The weight of emotional pain can be crushing.  When we give our love and support unconditionally, we take some of that weight onto ourselves, sparing our friends from being completely ground down.  The cost to us, of course, is that we carry that bit of weight for awhile.

The weight is beginning to shift for me, going from a burden to something more like a spider web that I’ve walked through and that has stuck to me.  I don’t feel it all the time, but every now and again, the stickiness reappears, bringing that little bit of negative energy back with it. For my friends, the weight is still great; so, those who love them will check in again and again, shifting a little more weight off of them, carrying it away with us and transforming it into sticky, but light, spiderwebs that will eventually float away, taking the negativity with them.

We just have to get to that point in the process. Until then, I’ll just be the Positively Oriented Blog Goddess.

A Frayed Knot

Today, a precious young friend will bury her husband of just less than two years.  There’s no punchline there. No silver lining. Just a horribly tragic turn of events for two young people looking forward to the rest of their lives together, not realizing how little was left for one of them.

While it may be irresponsible not to plan for the future, living each day like it’s your last, it’s such a waste to keep watching the horizon, too.  If we are always looking for tomorrow, we are missing today. Everyday is a gift.  Time with those we love is a bonus.  Those may be the simplest (and costliest) things in the world to lose sight of.

Odds are, you’ll have tomorrow; so, plan for it.  Plan to live a long while.  Take care of your wills and the business of your family.  But, in case you are don’t have tomorrow, appreciate this day. Hug those you love. Forgive those you don’t. Smile at a stranger and appreciate the gift you have.

old couple walking

When Do You Give Up?

I had a discouraging morning at work the other day.  It happens to all of us, right?  I was sharing my thoughts with a colleague who encouraged me to keep my chin up and not to give up.  In truth, I hadn’t considered giving up; so, his words caught me by surprise.  Surprise led to contemplation (like it does).  Since  I tend to be hard-headed persevere, surrender is not normally a top-five option.  However, I began to review those times in the last few years when I have either wanted to or actually have given up.

What is the straw that breaks the camel’s back for me?  What is it that leaves me feeling like throwing in the towel is really the only viable option left to me?

Isolation.

Bad Lands silhouette

In a word, that’s what it boils down to for me.  Professional frustration peaks when I believe that I am not receiving the support I was either promised or need to meet my goals. Personal frustration reaches a breaking point when I feel isolated in general.  Friends are busy and I spend too much time in my own company.

Nobody cares.  That is one of the most destructive two-word sentences in the English language.  The despair, isolation and anguish packed into those two words is immeasurable.

I’m a single mother.  People often say things like, “That must be so hard!”  I don’t really see it that way.  For one thing, I don’t know how it works any other way; so, I have no point of comparison.  For another (and really the most important) thing, I may be single, but I am not, nor have I ever been, alone.  Friends and family have always been there with encouragement, sympathy and even money and a place to live when we needed it.  I have not reared a son by myself.  That extraordinary young man is truly the product of a village.

Similarly, people have expressed admiration that I “lost all that weight alone.”  I know what they mean – that I didn’t use a structured program – but, again, I’ve never been alone.  LoseIt posts my exercise, weigh-in losses and gains to Facebook where friends and family have been the whole way with encouragement.  So, I did have a support group.  We didn’t meet in the basement of a church on Tuesday nights: we met daily on Facebook.  I had a group of people already assembled who were at the ready with an AttaGirl every single time I needed one.  They were there with encouragement every time the numbers went the wrong way.  They were there.  I was never alone, never isolated, and never wanted to give up.

You have a support group.  You may not have identified it yet; but, you do.  To identify it, you have to put it out there that you are working towards this goal to lose weight, make healthier food choices, go back to school, or whatever. It’s a little unnerving at first to do that publicly.  What if people mock you? What if you fail? What if? What if? What if?

If people mock you, then they are emotional vampires.  How nice that they will identify themselves for you so that you can begin to limit your exposure to them!  (Kinda like the guys who self-identify as Jerks with the “No Fat Chicks” stickers on their trucks.)

If you fail, then you are one failure closer to success!

All of the other “what ifs” can be diffused and dispatched in a similar manner.  If you want this, do this.  Somebody does care.  You are not alone.  Don’t give up!

Satan Invented Sweats, Yoga Pants and Stretch Denim

..and in related news: Tennessee woman buried in clothing avalanche, sizes 6 to 20.

We all know better.  We know that it is physique awareness suicide to wear stretchy pants more than three days running.  After that, you might as well wrap yourself in an elastic muumuu and call it a day.  It is over. So, during my unemployment/knee recovery/eat-a-thon, I stayed away from the sweats and the yoga pants like I should.  I kept on slipping into my blue jeans, thinking that they were an accurate gauge of size during the time which shall be known henceforth as The Great Regain.  Pah!  More the fool me, right?! (Say “yes.”) My trusty denims weren’t denims at all, but were STRETCH denim.  (Gasp in horror.)

messy-closetI’ve heard Oprah say that she has every size in her closet from eight to elastic.  Mine was the same, making my room look more and more like an episode of Hoarders.  That kind of clutter has a deleterious effect on my mood; so, this weekend, I tackled it.  I had a box for clothes to give away, one for winter clothes to go into storage, and one for adorable summer clothes from last year that are a little bit too small.  Actually, I had two of those and some of those clothes are a lot too small.

I tried most everything on until I started berating myself for gaining weight back. The head trash wasn’t doing me any good; so, I adjusted to keep from generating any more of it by not trying on any more, just guesstimating the rest.  I divided the clothes that didn’t fit into two piles – the ten pound pile and the twenty pound pile.  Some things should fit me nicely in ten pounds, others will have to wait twenty.  Regardless, they are all going to have to wait and, in the meantime, I have to be able to breathe; so, they cannot be hanging in my closet looking at me accusingly day after day.  pile of clothesNobody needs that kind of attitude, not even from natural fibers.

The bad news is that I do have clothes that don’t fit.  The good news is that I conquered head trash generation while sorting them and I’m working on getting back into them in a calculated and orderly way:

  1. I have committed to walk 25 miles each week from now until 8.31.13 for the 501st Support Battalion 300 mile challenge.
  2. I have only good, nutrient-rich food in my refrigerator and a menu planned out for the week.
  3. I have a support system in person, on Facebook and here to keep me honest and on track.

Exercise, diet and support – the three keys and they’re all right there.  By the end of June, I’ll be into the clothes in the Ten Pound Box and by the end of July, I’ll be in the Twenty Pound Box.  I just have to keep my eye on the prize, my head in the game, and my rear out of Satan’s fabrics.