Where Did My Wagon Go?

February 9, 2015 dotyness Leave a comment

Take a look at the picture above. Look closely. See me anywhere? C’mon! Really look!

Nope. I’m not there on account of: 1. I’m old, but I’m not that old, and 2. I fell off that wagon several miles back, honey! All kinds of falling off the wagon been going on here.

As you know, last week was just a hideous one and I fell off the healthful eating wagon. I ate a lot of garbage during the week and managed to mess up the healthful choices I made by either eating too much of them or eating them with a dressing or cheese that negated the good the nutritious foods were doing me. If I were an alcoholic, I’d have been in the gutter. I binged in the same way, particularly when I realized that it was time to let Trey go.

A few times I caught myself eating things that didn’t even taste good to me and, in fact, kind of made me feel sick to my stomach. But, I continued eating them, anyway. It was almost as if I was using the food to punish myself in some way for not being able to help my old friend. I remember doing something similar when I would quit smoking, but fall off the wagon and have one. Often, I would then smoke so much that I would literally make myself sick – give myself nicotine poisoning – to punish myself for failing. (Am I the only one who does this? I’m pretty sure I’m not; but, if I am, don’t tell me, okay?)

This morning, I’m paying for that. I feel awful. I feel like I’ve got the chips and salsa sweats. My whole system feels clogged. My sinuses are wrecked and I don’t know if that’s from two weeks of sobbing, emerging airborne allergens, or food allergens. Maybe it’s a little of all three. Whatever the cause, I’ve worked up a roaring case of vertigo. Yep, I ate a bunch of garbage and now I feel like it.

As I’ve shared with you before, I believe very strongly that it is crucial that we allow ourselves to feel our grief and to work through it. Although there are varying opinions on the number of stages of grief, most agree that there are at least five: 1. denial and isolation, 2. anger, 3. bargaining, 4. depression, and 5. acceptance. Gorging like Henry VIII is part of my stages one through four. Making myself sick is actually part of stage three for me. Although progression through the stages is never smooth or one-way, I am moving closer to acceptance. In acceptance, there is the continuation of the life that does go on.

So, for that life, today I will buy new walking shoes, then Ellie and I will go for our first walk without Trey. Where we all once walked several times a week, we haven’t walked in many months because of my work schedule and Trey’s hips. It’s time for us to start that part of our lives again. It will be sad for me and if you see me walking at the park, I’ll likely be crying; but, life does go on and we – and our wagons – go on with it.

My wagon is my will and it’s been with me the whole time. While I didn’t ride it or use it, it never left me. Now, as I choose to adjust to a new normal without one of my fuzzy children, I’ll climb back in that wagon and ride it awhile.

Grief, Relationships

The Ringing in My Heart

February 5, 2015 dotyness 4 Comments

The first singer I ever saw in concert was Elvis Presley – don’t hate. I remember my ears ringing after that concert and after every one I’ve seen since. The music is always so loud that it’s like my ears turn down the volume themselves to get some relief. In all actuality, the tips of the hairlike stereocilia in my cochlea have been broken by the sound and continue to send false information to my auditory nerve even after the noise has stopped. After about 24-hours, the tips repair and the false signals stop, ending the ringing. While the damage is repairing, however, it’s harder to hear the real auditory input for all the garbage.

The last couple of weeks have been like that. I’ve taken several pretty serious emotional hits that have left my emotional ears ringing. I’m having a great deal of trouble at this point hearing much of anything. Anything, that is, except, “I love you.”

I have heard that through the ringing from friends, from family and from some people that fall into both categories. I haven’t been able to respond well; but, I’ve heard you. I have heard some of you especially clearly.

There are friends who say, “Let me know if you need anything,” or “Let me know if I can help.” Those friends are sincere and are valuable. However, there are also friends who say, “Here’s what time I’ll be there,” or they just show up, or they call or write because it’s all they can do at the time. Those friends are invaluable.

I have far more of you than I deserve and I am so grateful.

Emotional Eating, Family

Time to Say Good-Bye

February 4, 2015 dotyness 7 Comments

It’s a beautiful song, but often a terrible thing to do. Today, I will say good-bye to Trey. While I am destroyed over it, it’s time. He has stopped eating and drinking more than a couple of mouthsful – except for last night when he got a plain double cheeseburger and cheese curds from Dairy Queen. (We’re not going to discuss what I had.) He doesn’t wag his tail and the sparkle is gone from his sweet eyes. Even with medication he is in constant pain.

My tireless sister has found a vet that will come to my house this afternoon. Trey will be in his home, comfortable and unafraid when he makes his journey across the rainbow bridge. My friend Sean and my niece will be here with me. My niece will take his body for cremation. I know. I know. I used to think that was ridiculous, too – cremating a pet. I don’t anymore and, frankly, I don’t care if anyone else still does. I’ve lived a highly transient life and don’t see me staying here forever either. I don’t want to leave him here. Maybe if I were living in the house I planned to retire in, I’d feel differently; but, I’m not and I don’t.

It’s been a highly emotional couple of days for me and there have been several times when I’ve wondered if I could actually dehydrate by crying. There have been times when a tiny voice in my head called me silly for grieving so over a dog; but, another voice stands up and says that he’s more than a dog – he’s a friend. My other dog Ellie is not the brightest bulb on the circuit – beautiful, sweet and lethal for squirrels, but not all that smart. She doesn’t seem to know that anything is wrong; however, she will grieve for the loss of her playmate, the one who taught her to play when she was a terrified stray. Although I will let her see and smell his body, I expect her to look for him for awhile. At this point, only the cat Bodhi seems to know something is wrong. He’s stuck very close to me and has even been snuggly with Trey.

It has been emotional here and will continue to be for awhile yet as we learn to adjust to life without the old man.

So, remember yesterday when I said that I wouldn’t always make the right nutritional choice? Well, I won’t be making it this afternoon. My sweet friend Katie has already announced that she’s coming by after work with the comfort food of my choice – ice cream, any flavor but mint chocolate chip (I really hate that one). So, I don’t know what flavor she’s bringing and I don’t care. I’m going to eat whatever she brings.

Helping my old friend across the bridge is the right thing to do and it’s time; but, I don’t know that I could do it without the help of my other friends. My most sincere and heartbroken thanks to you all.

Emotional Eating, Habits, Thought Patterns

The Reality of the Fail

February 3, 2015 dotyness Leave a comment

My mother was the leader of my sister’s Girl Scout troop from the time the girls were 1st grade Brownies until she took them to Europe for six weeks as juniors and senior in high school. Though five years younger than the troop members, I was always along for the ride. I meet them when I was a toddler and know a few of them to this day. Yesterday, one of the Doty Bunch commented on my post. Rachel said, “…by sharing your failures and successes, you also share your authenticity and credibility! I love you!”

What a humbling thing! It’s humbling to me that: 1. Rachel (and you) choose to spend part of your day with me, and 2. That a woman who knew me when I was in diapers takes me seriously. Her comment raised something that has always bothered me – reality in the diet and health promotion industry.

I’m sure there are people who really do feel compelled to eat nothing artificial, nothing with added sugar, nothing processed. I’m sure there are people who, given the choice between an orange and a warm sticky bun will always choose the orange without even thinking that they’ve giving anything up. I’m sure there are people who deal with life’s challenges and outright sucker punches by going for a run without even considering eating their way through the freezer at Dairy Queen. I’m sure these people exist. After all, there actually are people who get their jollies by dressing up as giant stuffed animals. Surely the Stepford Health Nuts are no more unlikely than the Furries. Well, not much more unlikely.

Whether they actually exist or not, they appear to and they appear to write a great number of books. In the ones I’ve read, I haven’t really found any confessions of people dealing with emotional eating or cravings or sugar addiction. Maybe I’m just not reading the right books; but, it’s always been frustrating for me. I see these people with their 64 teeth, their beautiful bodies, their spotless kitchens, their organic pantries and I don’t see anything that looks like me. Their image is perfection. My life is messy. Emotionally, I see their image as reality, as an achievable ideal. And I see my inability to actually achieve that ideal as a constant failure on my part. Intellectually, I don’t think that most of us are wired to achieve their reality (if it even exists) any more than I think that most of us want to zip into a giant teddy bear suit. Intellectually, I might suspect that Jillian Michaels gagging over a gordita is at least some acting on her part; but, emotionally, I believe her wholesale rejection and think that I have been somehow a failure since I’d have eaten that in a second.

But that’s not right.

Her reactions are not mine. My reactions may not be the most healthful; but, they are my reality. I might choose the orange over the sticky bun today, but I’d give that sticky bun a good sniff and I might even shed a tear or two. I might do the right thing for my body this time; but, that doesn’t mean I always will.

I will fail. But that doesn’t make me a failure.

Depression, Emotional Eating

Just a Duck at a Penny Arcade

February 2, 2015 dotyness Leave a comment

Last week was an exceptionally emotional one for me. It started out great with that five pound weight loss; however, that triumphant moment was followed quickly by a professional disappointment, then an enormous financial failure. I kept my chin up, though, and focused on good things and solutions. Then, as you know, our dog stopped eating, signaling his approach to the rainbow bridge. Still, I kept moving forward. I got help for the financial crisis. Trey got pain meds and began eating again. I was still moving.

But the coup de grace still awaited – or, rather, the coups de grace (if that can be plural).

Sunday found me accidentally awakening a childhood demon. This event was followed literally minutes later by a real blow when I received an email from a man from my distant past. This man is associated with a particularly difficult time in my life – a watershed time, you could say. My life has since been divided into before him and after him. It wasn’t a bad email; but, it portends another irrevocable change in the life I’ve made. These two things on top of everything else were just too much for me.

My emotional eating triggers started snapping and, honey, it sounded like a shooting gallery in a penny arcade! (Do they even have penny arcades anymore?) Anyway, those triggers were going off left and right! I wanted to strap on a feed bag of puffy Cheetos, go after a gallon of Phish Food with two spoons, then (as I told my friend Jeff) climb into a bottle of cheap Cabernet. (It would have to be a cheap bottle. Good ones are for sipping. Cheap ones are for drowning.) In the end, I did none of those things. If I had, I would still have all those issues to face today, plus I’d have processed food and wine hangovers. I’d have initiated another bout with my sugar addiction AND I’d have the guilt associated with all of those things.

So, in the end, I had some veggies with hummus and a little ranch dip, some fruit, a little Margherita pizza, some chips and corn salsa, a vegetarian corn dog (hot dogs are a Super Bowl tradition for me), and a little salted caramel Dream gelato while I watched ~~Pete Carroll blow~~ the game. I drank one Mike’s Hard Lemonade and did not count my calories for the day. Well, I didn’t count them yesterday. I counted them just now. Ouch.

For the day, I ate just under 2200 calories. With the little bit of exercise I performed, my net for the day was just under 2000. It wasn’t a gawd awful day, but my daily calorie budget right now is 1317. Sooooohoho…….I blew that up. Do I feel guilty this morning?

Nope. Not even a little bit.

In the face of what I wanted to do and what I would have done four years or even four months ago, I restrained myself yesterday and I count it a victory. For sure I felt like a shooting gallery duck but, that’s okay because you know the great thing about those little guys?

When they get to the end of the line, they get right back up again and make another pass.

Body Changes, Cravings, Food

Feeling Groovy

January 30, 2015 dotyness Leave a comment

I suspect that my high school AP history teacher, Mr. Paterson, had a party going on in his head most of the time. He would constantly interrupt himself with non sequiturs and asides to the point that it was almost like listening to a rubber ball bounce off the walls of his mind. He loved history; so, to sit in his class was as informative as it was engaging. Anyway, I mention him because of today’s title – Feelin’ Groovy. The actual title of Simon and Garfunkel’s song was The 59th Street Bridge Song; but, everyone knew it as Feelin’ Groovy. Anytime Mr. Paterson would mention the song (which was more frequently than you might imagine in a history class), he would say, “Feelin’ Groovy, whoever that is….” As a result, I never think of the song without thinking of Mr. Paterson.

And, I think of him today as I am feelin’ pretty groovy myself.

I’m about a week and a half into my Recommitment and things are humming along nicely. I can actually feel where I have lost weight in my hands, my abdomen, my face, my thighs and my shoulders. I love that! In addition, my hunger pangs have all but disappeared. Some of that may have to do with how worried I’ve been about the pup; but, regardless, I feel less hungry. I’ve eaten tasty meals heavy on the veggies with some starch, grains, nuts and legumes thrown in for balance. I’ve enjoyed snacks of fruit that give me plenty of fiber and a little burst of sugar when I need it. I am sleeping more soundly and am waking with good energy. At work, I’m getting in plenty of walking; so, my exercise is covered, as well. As a result, I’m feeling stronger. So, it’s good things all around!

And I do mean ALL around. Trey actually ate some of his dinner out of my hand last night and he was hungry for more when I got home this morning.He’s got some pain meds that are helping him manage. While he is still approaching the rainbow bridge, at least he is more comfortable for now. He may even be feeling a little groovy.

Like I said: good things all around. So why wouldn’t I feel groovy? Do something good for yourself today and join me! (beads and flower headbands at your discretion)

Uncategorized

Gimmicking Our Health

January 29, 2015 dotyness 2 Comments

On Monday, I went to the library in search of The China Study by Dr. T. Colin Campbell. I heard about the book in the movie Forks Over Knives (a movie I recommend, by the way) and have been curious about it ever since. At it turns out, our library doesn’t have the book; however, they do have Dr. Campbell’s follow-up book Whole in which he explains his whole food plant based lifestyle in more depth. I checked that one out and am currently reading it. I’m impressed and intrigued so far.

But that’s not my point.

My point is that I had to dig through shelves and shelves of diet books to find this one. There are a bajillion diet books out there, each with its own gimmick or hook. Eat no carbs. Eat all carbs. Eat no fat. Pay no attention to fat. Eat like a caveman. Eat only popcorn. Eat raw foods. Whatever. There are any number of “experts” shelling out all kinds of advice to help us all to lose weight and look great. Terrific. We’ll all look great in our caskets since tragically few of these programs give two hoots about our overall health. Their aim is to make people lose weight. Period. Well, a hacksaw can help us lose weight – technically – but it won’t do a thing to make us healthier. And, who are these “experts” anyway?

I hadn’t heard of most of them, which is not terribly surprising. But looking over the books, the things that struck me most were that from the pictures, they all seem to have 64 teeth, and it didn’t seem that a single one of them that had been obese at any point in their lives. These were people who have never had a weight problem telling me how to lose weight. Now, I’m generally a little cranky and suspicious; so, when a woman who looks like a lollipop tells me how easily I can shed 30 pounds, I tend to react a little negatively. If someone is going to give me advice on how to travel down this road, on how to make this difficult journey, I’d like for them to have actually made the journey. Someone who has blazed the trail has valuable advice for me. Someone who has only read about it may make some good points, but, frankly, they’ve got nothing to say that I care to hear. After all, they have only theoretical knowledge. They’ve never had their boots on the ground.

Even though Dr. Campbell has never had a weight problem either, I ignore that since, for him, weight loss is, at best, a secondary goal of his lifestyle. The primary goal being, of course, good health. He’s a bona fide scientist and has arrived at this whole food plant based (WFPB) lifestyle as a result of 50 years of research and experimentation. His results upset the status quo and cost him a great deal over the course of his career. In addition, he and his extended family all observe this WFPB lifestyle and are just stupidly healthy. That says a lot to me.

This WFPB lifestyle may turn out to be just another gimmick. I’ll continue to investigate and let you know.

Relationships

Doing Right By An Old Friend

January 28, 2015 dotyness 2 Comments

I had planned to write today’s piece on yesterday’s excursion to the library; however, my heart is heavy on another subject. The library will just have to wait until tomorrow. Today, I want – no, I need – to talk to you about a friend of mine, our Labrador retriever, Trey.

I got the dog for Jaegar for Christmas the year my son was eleven. I had told him that we would not be getting another animal until my cat Isabeau died; but, since it didn’t look like Satan wanted her back, I caved and got him the puppy while she was still patrolling the house hissing and spitting. I had grown up with several dogs and a couple of cats, and I thought that every boy should grow up with a dog. So, a friend of a friend found this 2004 Christmas puppy in Lafitte, Louisiana, way down in the swamp. My son took one look at the wiggling black pup and dubbed him Blackie. (Skreech! Um, no. We are not having a black dog named Blackie. How boring!) I encouraged Jaegar to come up with a different name for the little guy and my son, being a huge Calvin and Hobbes fan, came up with Tracer Bullet after Calvin’s film noir alter ego. We called him Trey for short.

This adorable little puppy was a complete nightmare. He was impossible to housetrain and had horrible separation anxiety. In his crate, he would whine all night long. He alone has convinced me to never, never, NEVER again have a baby dog. That baby dog was nearly as much work as a baby human! The cat hated him. In spite of it all, he was pretty cute and I loved watching the boys wrestle around the floor or snuggle up to watch a movie. I was about at my wit’s end with him, though, until we found an obedience class. That helped tremendously! Well, it helped if I got the commands right. I worked with the dog for hours on forward, about turn, heel, stay, place (which he never really got) and halt. Halt, I said, not stop.

One night, I took our trash out and the 10-month-old Trey followed me in the fenced in yard. I pulled the gate to, but didn’t latch it since I was only going to be out there a few seconds and, besides, he always followed me along the fence line to the trash can, anyway, right? Wrong. He nosed the gate open, got out and ran for it. Oh, what fun! He had a game of chase on! Me, standing there yelling “stop!” Him racing down the alley towards Robert E. Lee Blvd. I’ll make a long story short. He made it across three of the four lanes of the road before a car hit him. The poor driver, who turned around when he heard me screaming, never saw this black pup at 9:45 that night. He knew he had hit something and he heard the screams; so, he came back. Wonderful man!

Three vet clinics, two surgeries and a week later, Trey came home. He had a broken leg, two broken ribs, a broken pelvis, a perforated diaphragm and a broken tooth. His game of chase was a very expensive one. Several people reminded me that it would have been cheaper to put him down and get another puppy. I couldn’t do that though – for two reasons: 1:. it was my fault he got out, and 2. he wasn’t crippled or brain-damaged. So, I paid through the nose and have been rewarded with a wonderful companion for ten years.

Recently, the pins used to repair his broken leg had to be removed since the femoral head they were anchored in had dissolved and the pins were painfully backing out into Trey’s muscle. He effectively has no joint for his right hind leg. His left hip is damaged to the point that it can’t really pull up the slack anymore; so, the old man is hardly able to get around. He has started urinating all over the house again for whatever reason; so, he has to sleep in the hated crate again. He still whines when he’s in there. I let him into the back yard each morning where he stays, lying in the leaves until it’s time for dinner. But, last night, he ate little of that and didn’t whine once after I put him in the crate, leading me to believe that my old friend is nearing the rainbow bridge. He is in great pain and I know that it will soon be time to help him cross that bridge – it will be my last loving act for this puppy, this dog, this old man who has been so precious to us.

And it breaks my heart.

Body Changes

And The Ref Blows The Call

January 27, 2015 dotyness Leave a comment

Okay, well, I called that one wrong. So, remember how yesterday I said that I didn’t anticipate seeing any or much weight loss for the week since I had REALLY blown up my calories just before starting? I was wrong and I couldn’t be more thrilled about it! I actually lost five pounds over the week. 🙂

How could I not have known that I had lost five pounds, you ask? Easy. I didn’t trust what I felt. I knew that my skin felt less tight and that I could feel more tendons around the backs of my knees than I could the week before; however, because I WANTED the weight loss to be there, I was afraid to trust that my perceptions were accurate.

I’m sure that a good deal of that loss was water weight and you want to know something? I don’t care. That water was making my skin feel too tight just as much as fat does; so, as long as I feel more comfortable in my skin, I don’t care what gets lost to make that happen – water, fat, whatever. In times past, I’ve been told that some of the initial weight loss is water, which is why I say that to you this morning. I don’t know if that is accurate or not, quite honestly. I need to do some more research; however, even if it is, isn’t it nice?

Being on a reduction diet isn’t fun. It isn’t as bad as many other things, but it’s no trip to Coney Island, either, you know? It’s kind of like being food grounded. I have to take care of my responsibilities without getting to do the fun stuff. It’s work to get my eating habit back in line with what they should be. It’s work to plan and prepare nutritionally sound and diverse meals and snacks that are tasty, as well. My sweet tooth pitches a fit. My digestive system pushes back. My cravings monster wants a tub of icing. And I have to overcome all of them. The sweet tooth gets plain herbal tea. My digestive system gets probiotics and fermented foods. My cravings monster gets a baked apple with raisins.

And I get a five pound weight loss!

I’ll take that reward and that missed call any day of the week!

Body Changes, Habits

Day 6 (And I’m Not Done Yet?!)

January 26, 2015 dotyness Leave a comment

So, today is Day 6 of my Recommitment and, no, I’m not there yet. But what a difference a week makes!

After work on the 18th, my friend Kent and I went for breakfast at IHOP. I had the all-you-can-eat pancakes and I ate seven. That’s six plus one with all kinds of butter and syrup. We did the same thing on the morning of the 25th; but, this time, I had the Simple & Fit veggie omelette with fruit. I went from a breakfast of an estimated 1650 calories on the 18th (all at one sitting. Yes! I know!) to a breakfast of about 320 calories on the 25th. And, guess what? I left there full both times. I went home and went comfortably to sleep without missing those 1330 calories. (I’ll tell you a secret. I didn’t calculate the 18th’s breakfast until just as I sat down to type and I’m still feeling nauseated by the knowledge that I ate all that. And, then, went right to bed! Even worse! Good grief.)

I’ve stayed within my calorie budget every day so far and am feeling really good about it. I won’t weigh until tomorrow when I’m one full week in; but, I’ll let you know what it shows. To be frank, I don’t expect to see any loss this week since my body still had all those excess calories from just the days before still lingering in my blood system, in my liver and in fuller fat cells.

That’s something I tend to forget easily (on account of I don’t want to think about it) – fat cells may empty but they never go away.

Fat cells – adipocytes – come in two or three different kinds: white and brown (which everyone agrees on), and pink (which is under debate). White fat cells are primarily for energy storage, while brown fat cells are used to generate heat (like in babies or in hibernating animals) and are primarily energy consumers. (Pink is in mammary tissue and I don’t know what it does.) Anyway, a healthy adult has somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 billion fat cells. Now, I’ve always heard that when fat cells reach their storage limit, they divide; however, Wikipedia is the only source I find that says that. Every other source says that the fat cells just continue to grow in size as long as we keep shoveling lipids into them. But, whether or not they make more is not as relevant as the fact that they don’t die and go away. They do regenerate so the fat cells I have today are not the ones I was born with; however, they don’t diminish in numbers. Only a plastic surgeon can get rid of some of those 30 billion cells. And, I’ll tell you the truth, the idea of liposuction is very tempting. Very. I mean, how nice would it be to have fewer of these cells to fill up?!

Nice, but it ain’t in the budget. Ima hafta do it myownself.

I can’t use my money budget to empty my body of any of these cells; so, I’ve got to use my calorie budget to empty some of the lipids from those cells, making them (and myself!) smaller. That process is going to take a whole lot more than six days.

But, I’m off to a solid start!

The Daily Doty