Accountability, Exercise, Food, Habits, Motivation

Two Days Later….

January 23, 2015 dotyness Leave a comment

Well, good morning, friends! It’s two days since I truly recommitted myself to taking care of my nutritional needs. As a by-product, of course, I’ll be shedding these pesky 20 pounds; but, the main goal here is to get back to eating healthfully, in a way that gives my body what it needs to be its best.

Using my old profile, I have started a new program on LoseIt! and it tells me that I should reach my goal in the middle of June – perfect for bathing suit weather! I entered my current weight into the program, along with my goal weight and the amount of weight I want to lose each week. It gave me a calorie budget to get to that goal. Right now, that budget is 1350 calories per day. However, as I lose weight, that number will decrease to keep me on track. Here’s the thing I have to remember, though: although my daily calorie budget will eventually be under 1200, I must eat at least that many calories each day to allow my body to function properly. If I dip below that, weight loss will slow. I will feel tired all the time. I will feel cold all that time. This is the voice of experience saying that weight loss dieters need to eat those 1200 to stay healthy. As I get further into the program and my calorie budget drops, I will have to ensure that I am exercising enough to stay within it.

For the last two days, I’ve been within that budget – yesterday, well within it. There are several different tasks I may be assigned any given night at work. Last night, I was given the most physically taxing one. I calculate that I walked anywhere from 13 to 15 miles over the course of my ten-hour shift. (And, honey, my bones are feeling every. single. step. right now.) Like exercise does, my long walk has left me hungry this morning. So, when I got home, I had a little 100 calorie snack because I don’t want to eat anything super caloric right before I go to bed.

Okay, scratch that.

I do want to eat something super caloric – like, say, oh a few chocolate glazed doughnuts from The Doughnut Palace – but, I’m not going to do that. So, yeah, I’d be lying through my teeth if I said that I’m not willing to sell a kidney for pastries right now. Indulging myself just wouldn’t be the smart thing for me to do since all of those calories would immediately go into storage. Likely on my thighs. And I’m into cleaning that storage unit out, not adding to it!

So, I’m going to drink a nice cup of herbal tea, brush my teeth and go give my body the rest that it needs.

(Psst! If you’re O+ and need a kidney, call me later!)

Body Changes, Cravings, Depression, Motivation

What Do I Know, Anyway?

January 22, 2015 dotyness Leave a comment

When I find myself with a set-back like the one I’m dealing with now – ugh – that negative little voice inside my head asks, “What do you know, anyway?” “Why should anyone pay any attention to what you have to say? After all, look at what you did!”

Yep. Look at what I did. I gave in to cravings and ate myself 20 pounds up the scale. It doesn’t matter if the cravings were the result of medication, 70-hour physically exhausting work weeks, heartache, or moon cycles. Those things may have caused the cravings but none of them drove me to the grocery store. None of those things bought the Tastykakes that I stuffed into my gob. Nope, I did that all by lonesome. I did it years ago and I did it this time, too. I failed myself.

But, it ain’t over yet!

I lost 94 pounds four years ago and I know how I did it. I know what worked for me and what didn’t. I know how to do it again. Here are a few things that I know without a doubt:

I cannot buy bread. I can’t buy it because I cannot be trusted with it. I will eat it plain or with something smeared on it to make it a sandwich. I will eat a butter sandwich rather than make a nutrient-dense meal that my body needs. I can’t do that if there’s no bread in the house; thus, I cannot buy bread.
I cannot be trusted with a family sized bag of chips. I will turn into a family of one and eat that bag all in one sitting. If I treat myself to chips, they must be in the tiny, single serving size.
I cannot open cans of mixed nuts while driving in the car. I will eat the entire can.
I am an emotional eater. I must deal with wayward emotions in another way, like going for a short walk, doing ten jumping jacks, meditating, or writing lists to figure out the source of the negative emotion. Eating to make it go away solves nothing.
I want the sugary snacks in the vending machines at work. Therefore, I must not take my debit card or cash to work.
I am a sugar addict. I must eat more fruit to combat the cravings my body assaults me with.
Each meal must consist of 75% vegetables.
I must move more. I don’t have to start by running a race. I can start the same way I did last time – by walking the dogs.
All food must be carefully measured, else the nine-serving box of cereal becomes a three-serving box.
Undocumented calories still count.
There is never undocumented exercise.
My food and exercise diary app is invaluable.
I deserve to have a body that functions properly.
I deserve to have a body I feel comfortable in.
I have way too many clothes in my smaller size to redo my wardrobe now!
I don’t want to redo my wardrobe.
I can do this.

So, as it turns out, I know lots of things. I just have to remind myself because there is a great, big, giant chasm between knowing and doing. And, yesterday, in setting a new goal in my LoseIt app and by logging all of my food and exercise, I began doing again.

Body Changes

Read the Fine Print

January 21, 2015 dotyness 2 Comments

In December, I shared with you that I was planning to have a permanent birth control procedure and that we were unable to actually do it due to some bizarre turn in my fallopian tubes. In November, I shared with you that I was struggling with a monster case of PMS and was on an eating binge. Also in November, and in preparation for that procedure, I was given a depo provera shot, which brings me to my point – I should have read more on the side effects of that shot.

Because I had to have it in preparation for the Essure thing, I didn’t give the shot two thoughts. Let’s do this thing! Time’s a-wastin’! I was ready to get on with it. I REALLY should have paid more attention. Three of the side effects are:

Depression
Changes in appetite
Weight gain

Yeah. I should have read up on that. Or at least asked around. Several people told me that they went through the same thing with the shot. One woman gained 80 pounds! O.M.G. (Now, to be fair, not everyone I talked to experienced weight gain. The ones who didn’t, I’m no longer talking to, just so you know. Harumph.)

As I’ve told you, I have dealt with depression before and I believe that the shot (in conjunction with a minor romantic flame-out that occurred at about the same time) sent me into a dark place. And what do I do when I’m in a dark place? That’s right! I eat!!! I park myself in the freezer section with a spoon. Well, then, add to that, the other two side effects of appetite change and weight gain, and I’ve got a real problem.

A 20 pound problem. Ugh.

So, here I sit, three months later with 20 extra pounds on my body. Stuff that hasn’t jiggled in ages is jiggling – like jiggling to the point that when I trotted at work the other night, I nearly gave myself whiplash. I can’t fit into my clothes. Even my stretchy clothes are yelling “Uncle!” at this point. Oh, y’all! This is soooohoho not good. Although I know that I’m not back into a size 20, I feel like it. I feel so fat and uncomfortable, it’s just disgusting. And, guess what! The appetite issue hasn’t really slowed down.

I can’t seem to feel full and the more sugary a thing is, the more I want it. I’ve even been eating things I don’t like. The other night I scarfed down a package of chocolate Zingers like someone was going to steal them. I don’t even like chocolate cake, yet I practically licked the packaging to get all the crumbs! I go to the store to buy healthful foods and I come home with great options. Then, when the pangs hit, I get back in the car and go buy junk food.

I started this blog with the intention of sharing with you how I initially lost weight and was keeping it off. It seems to me that I’ve spent less time doing that and more time sharing with you how I’m losing the weight that I’ve put back on – whether that’s five pounds or, now, twenty. Still, if we can honestly share that struggle together, then we can help each other overcome it.

So, hello. My name is Jon Anne and I am a binge eater with 20 pounds to lose. Who are you and what do you want from our time together?

Family

Toilet Paper, Towels and Tears

January 20, 2015 dotyness 1 Comment

After weeks of anticipation, my son was home for Christmas! Know how I knew? I walked into the bathroom and saw that empty roll. And, um, that doesn’t happen when it’s just me and the horde.

I had to laugh at this thing that drove me nuts when he was growing up, but which was such a welcome sight on the night of the 22nd. I knew that in short order there would also be no clean towels and that all of the used ones would be in his bedroom, somehow having made it completely under the bed. It’s Y chromosome towel sorcery, I’m sure of it. And, let me just make this clear – I loved it. Then again, he was here for only eleven days. After about 14 days of it, I’d probably have been ready to box some ears!

I’ve never been married or even lived with a romantic partner; so, my son is my only experience in dealing with the irritations that come with sharing space with someone you love every day for many years. I’ve had roommates, of course, some of whom drove me batty, others of whom I drove batty (that’s for you, Jeannie Kay). Now that my son has been away for a couple of years, I’ve gotten used to doing things my way, in my time. Having him home reminded me of dealing with another’s way and another’s time – a conversation I had with him some months ago regarding a minor dispute with one of his roommates.

At the time, he was working four jobs and, honestly, I don’t know when he slept! One night, he had cooked his dinner, but not washed up his dishes. One of his roommates was annoyed about this and said something to him about it. He was, in turn, annoyed at having been taken to task over something he would have gotten to in his own time. I don’t recall having this specific incident with any of my roommates; but, given my rather, um, freeform housekeeping style, it’s likely that I did. Being WAAAAAY on the other side of this conflict now, I asked him if the dishes that he didn’t wash were his or if they belonged to the house. “They belong to the house,” he said. “So,” I said, “when another person wanted to use these dishes, they had to come find you and get you to wash them before they could cook their own food. Is that about right?” “Well, when you put it that way….” he said.

As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder and, sometimes, that’s true. Without him here, I forget all the little, really petty things about him that irritate me over time. And, hopefully, he forgets the little, petty things about me that irritate him, as well! So, after a year without his sweet little face in my house, I just looked at the empty roll, laughed and replaced it. Then, after the fastest eleven days in the history of time, I had to take him back to the airport and put him back on a plane that would return him to the adventure that is the life he is building.

But, unlike last year, this time, I left him with only a few tears and a giant hollow place in my chest. He returned to his adventure and I returned to the disappointment of toilet paper on the roll and a cabinet full of clean towels.

Family

My Favorite Guys

January 19, 2015 dotyness 1 Comment

I’ve been off the grid for a little over a month now and: 1. I can’t believe it’s been a whole month already!, 2. I hope you noticed, and 3. I hope you missed our visits as much as I have. While I haven’t sat down and written with my laptop, I’ve continued our visits by writing in my head. However, now that both peak season at work and my annual after-peak cold are done, I’m ready to sit down and type again.

As I shared with you in November, I was eagerly awaiting my son’s Christmas visit in December. He arrived home on the 22nd and I was so thrilled I could hardly stand it! My father was in Nashville that day for the funeral of a friend’s wife. As you know from our chats in July, my father has had a really rough year; so, he followed that really sad event with two happier ones: lunch with me and my cousin Laurie, and coming to the airport to welcome home the grandson he adores.

Dad and I waited at the seating area at Starbucks near the Terminal B concourse exit. Now, normally when I pick my son up, I wait in my car at the cell lot. He texts when he has his luggage and I drive up to the terminal, scooping him up from the Arrivals area. I hadn’t told him that this trip was going to be any different; so, I was excited to surprise him by being inside the airport and by having Papa with me. In fact, I was practically vibrating with the excitement.

Wouldn’t you know it, his plane was five minutes late. Curses!

Papa sat patiently at a table while I bounced on my cowboy booted toes looking down the concourse. Also waiting were a man, a woman and four children. That arrival party had signs and balloons, which was both sweet and adorable. I imagine that their people were touched by the welcome. Still, all I could think was, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re cute. You’re also in my way. So, move it. I’m waiting on my boy and you’re blocking my view.” I was considering how many of the group I could move with a few well-placed elbows when their people arrived and they moved of their own accord. Incident averted!

I continued to bounce on my toes for several minutes before I saw the tall, thin, ginger man coming towards me. He expected me to be outside; so, I got to watch and appreciate the man my son has become for a few minutes before he noticed me. He is thinner, taller and more adult than ever. My baby is solidly grown. I was wistful for that instant; but, when he finally saw me bouncing there, I saw that my baby still loves his mama and all was right with the world again. After I finally let go of him, I told him that I’d left something at my table – Papa.

Watching the two of them embrace, I thought of all their adventures together. Over the years, there have been many: fishing, hunting, building, caving, rafting, other chest-thumping-guy-stuff and just talking. We had no fanfare; but, right there, I had a welcome far better than poster board and balloons – my two favorite guys.

Thought Patterns

Tae a Moose

December 16, 2014 dotyness 2 Comments

…and I’m the moose (mouse)!

Robert Burns penned the poem “To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough” that we often quasi-quote when we say that, “The best laid plans of mice and men do often go awry.” Burns said, “The best-laid schemes o’ mice an ‘men
Gang aft agley.” But, since I don’t speak Broad Scots, I’m going with the first one. My best laid plans yesterday certainly did go awry.

As I told you, I was to have a permanent birth control procedure. I’d done the prep-work with the shot that has given me six straight weeks of PMS (aren’t you sorry you don’t live at my house?!), constant cravings, mood swings, depression, all kinds of fun stuff. Additionally, I was grieving the death of my dream of more children and fighting with my inner 25-year-old who insisted that I was just ruining everything! (Turns out, my inner 25-year-old throws a toddler worthy temper tantrum.) Even with all of this, I knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and that the procedure was going to be a good one for me.

Until it wasn’t.

Right. I went in, got all doped up, prepped and everything only to have the procedure not work. It involves placing coils in a particular position inside a woman’s fallopian tubes, then allowing the body to build scar tissue around them. The coils would not go into the proper position; so, my sweet doctor (I really do just love her) apologized a million times and said that we would have to pursue another option since this one just was not going to work for me.

So, it turns out that I worked myself up into a fever pitch of female hormones for nothing.

Except not exactly for nothing, right? The event gave me the opportunity to examine a dream I was holding onto. Was I holding onto it because I really wanted it or was I holding onto it out of habit? I believe that it’s healthy to examine those things from time to time just to be sure. While our good dreams help us move forward, our habit dreams hold us back. Without examination, we cannot tell the one from the other.

One of my favorite quotes on that subject comes from Alan Alda. He said, “Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” We can easily substitute dreams or beliefs for assumptions without affecting the validity of the statement. Without challenging our own minds, habits, beliefs, assumptions, dreams, goals, etc., we can easily become stagnant. So, my examination led me to conclude that my dream at this point is for imaginary babies, not the ones that come with 2-am feedings and teething – the ones that require me to have lots of energy to play and lots of patience to teach – the ones like the one I had 21 years ago. I adored being the mother of that small boy and I still adore being the mother of that man. But, I have to be honest with myself and admit that I don’t really want to do that again. The joy of being a parent is overwhelming; however, so is the work involved. So, it’s time to scrub off that window and look at the world a little differently without that habit dream in it.

Today, the window is still a little cloudy, but I am confident that it will clear up, giving me a new vision for my future. I’m a little excited to see what that will be!

Thought Patterns

Letting Go of Dreams

December 15, 2014 dotyness 5 Comments

Okay, so last week I warned you that I was going to be all over the place with my subject matter. Then I disappeared. Sorry about that. But, really, this work schedule is beating me like I’m a rented mule! The schedule goes only through the 23rd, though; so, I should be able to get back to normal soon. In the meantime, here’s the first random subject: dreams and letting go of them.

I guess that I was in the 7th or 8th grade when I decided what I wanted to be when I grew up: a neurosurgeon. And to that end, I read book after book on the subject of the brain, its diseases, cancers, treatments, cures, etc. I was (and still am) fascinated with how the organ works and how it interfaces with the mind, each exerting control over the other. I wanted to go to undergraduate school at Johns Hopkins or Tulane, and medical school at Johns Hopkins. But, that wasn’t how it worked. I went to Mississippi State and I hit a brick wall in chemistry.

I have a problem with math. And, if you didn’t already know, chemistry is not science. It’s math masquerading as science. It destroyed me. And the dream I’d held for years. I had nothing to replace it with and went into a serious tailspin. It was incredibly difficult to let go of that dream and I foundered for years.

Today, I let go of another one: more children. (Men, you may want to stop reading now if girl talk makes you squirm.) Today, I have a permanent birth control procedure putting an end to that dream.

As you well know, I adore my son and would trade nothing on this planet or in my imagination for him. I know that had I gotten my wish of more children, he would be a different man than he is and I would not want that. However, in that way of dreams, I want him to be the person he is and I wanted more children. My pregnancy was physically easy; however, emotionally, it was hardly the way I had always dreamt it would be. I had always dreamt that the father would love me and would be thrilled at the impending arrival of the little person we made together. It didn’t play out quite that way then and it hasn’t happened since. So, now I’m 47 and the time has come to put that particular dream to bed.

And, the truth is, I’m grieving over it.

I have a truly wonderful son who is my favorite person in the whole wide world. That’s more than many people can say and I do realize and appreciate how fortunate I am. Dreams are greedy, though, aren’t they? Well, mine are, anyway. In the face of all that I have, I still wanted more.

I still do and I may yet be able to have it!

In my twenties, I had no replacement for my dream career. Now, I do have a replacement for the dream babies I wanted (and I hear that these may actually be better!): grandchildren.

Food, Thought Patterns

Scattershot Goddess

December 9, 2014 dotyness Leave a comment

I haven’t published for a few days (as I hope you’ve noticed). There are a few reasons for this, the primary one being that I’m working a holiday schedule right now and am just worn slap out! By the time I get home in the mornings, I have barely enough energy to brush my teeth and go to bed, much less to sit down and write! The secondary reason is that I have several things on my mind and I’m waiting for those things to gel. Some of them, I’m deciding if they are appropriate for us to talk about at all. I’ll start with ones I know are appropriate.

Here’s the first thing on my mind: the blog, itself.

When I look at other blogs, they seem to have these nice, neat little themes they stay with. It makes for a somewhat predictable package and makes the author an authority on that one subject. I, on the other hand, am I little bit all over the place.

As you know, the blog started as a way for me to share how I lost weight. However, I often venture into the realm of emotions and thought patterns. That’s because, for me anyway, those two things (food and emotions) are inextricably linked and always have been.

I’ve told you before that I am an emotional binge eater. I’m a bulimic without the purging stage. I have been known to scarf down literally thousands of calories in one sitting. This, of course, leads to self-loathing, which leads to more bingeing, which leads to more self-loathing, which leads to …. an obese woman. My failure to acknowledge and to deal with this cycle is why all my previous diets failed and why only a complete lifestyle change would work to make me lose weight and keep it off.

I know people for whom the loss of five pounds of holiday excess is the extent of their weight loss battle – and I continue to both speak with and associate with them! But, I know far more people for whom five pounds is an afternoon snack. Those are the people with whom I can truly relate. For them, as for me, eating has an emotional component that is far larger than the stomach one. These are my people. These are the ones I understand.

So, if you ever read a week’s worth of blogs and see that I don’t appear to be holding to the weight-loss, healthy eating theme you thought the blog had, it’s because I’m really not. Or, maybe I am in a holistic sense. I just don’t see how we can separate our food intake from the other things going on in our lives and in our world, particularly if we are emotional eaters.

And, if you think I’ve been inconsistent before, hold onto your hat because I’m really going to be all over the place this week!

Food

It’s Wonderfully Chili in Here

December 3, 2014 dotyness Leave a comment

As Clotille so tactfully pointed out yesterday, the pharmaceuticals in my system right now are not making my poor menu choices. I’m doing that all on my own. And, get this: I’m doing it in spite of having made and frozen four different kinds of chili and a black bean soup a couple of weeks ago. How ridiculous! I’m having to actually go out of my way to eat badly!

I made all of those easy freezer meals in preparation for the next three weeks at work where we will be working 12-hour shifts, five days a week. As I’ve mentioned, the work is very physical and I’m kind of old; so, I will be completely exhausted by the time Christmas is here – way too tired to be prepping food everyday. I found these great chili and soup recipes. Here they are (in ascending order of how much I like them):

5. White Bean Chili (Vegan, GF) – This one was actually my least favorite and I have to admit that I believe that part of that is due to poor execution of the recipe on my part. This photo is one from the website which posted the recipe. Mine wasn’t nearly this pretty. I think that I may have overcooked the beans a little and I know that I mashed more of them than they did for this shot. Mine is much pastier. It’s still good, just my least favorite of the five things I made.

4. Veggie Loaded Chili – This one is spicy! It is really flavorful with squash, zucchini, tomatoes, black beans and kidney beans. Next time, I will reduce the amount of cayenne I use since I’m kind of a sissy when it comes to really hot foods. Too much heat and I can’t appreciate the flavors of everything else! And this one has all kinds of different flavors and textures. There’s a lot going on here and all of it good.

3. Black Bean & Lentil Chili – Oh, my goodness, y’all! This one is where we go from “Those are really good” recipes to “Where have you been all my life” recipes! This one is amazing! The recipe calls for regular chili powder and chipotle chili powder – which I didn’t even know was a thing. Now I’m wondering why it hasn’t been in my spice cabinet all along! It adds such a wonderfully smoky flavor to the chili (which is literally steaming hot in the photo here). You might think that the dish would end up being really hot with all that chili powder, but it’s not. It’s just wonderfully fragrant and tasty!

2. Slow Cooker Black Bean Soup – I’ll admit it right up front: I didn’t follow the instructions on this one. I had already soaked and cooked my black beans for use in the other recipes; so, I didn’t cook this in a crock pot. I also halved everything since I’d already used half of my one pound bag of beans in the other dishes. AND, I didn’t use the immersion blender to get the pretty picture you see here. However, this is one fine bowl of soup, people! I am a big fan of black beans, anyway, and this soup is a great showcase for the legume. Because I didn’t blend everything up, the carrots gave it more texture and, if I hadn’t known better, I would have sworn there was meat in this soup. Nope. Not a bit. I’ll do this one again for sure!

1. Sweet Potato Chili – This one is my favorite, but not really by much. Sweet potatoes are not the first things that come to mind when I think of chili; but, they are just fabulous in this dish which also includes unsweetened cocoa powder and cinnamon. (Don’t worry, it doesn’t taste like any of that Cincinnati chili which I don’t care for. Like at all.) Although neither my nose nor my mouth palates are refined enough to pick out either spice in the finished product, the dish as a whole has such full and varied flavors that I wouldn’t dream of leaving them out next time since I’m certain that they are essential to the whole experience.

I have frozen servings of each of these dishes in muffin tins. Once the servings are frozen, I store them all in large freezer bags. They look a little weird, but they work out nicely for taking my food to work. I just cook up a batch of rice and put both the rice and a chili muffin in my container to heat up at lunch. By lunchtime, the muffin has thawed enough to look like an entree rather than like a treat imposter. By freezing the foods in the tins, I reduce the waste of individual plastic freezer bags and I take the guess work out of portion sizes.

Preparation, cooking, freezing and clean-up took probably about eight hours for all of this; however, I ended that time with enough meals to last me a couple of months. That’s not a bad return on my time investment. And, with a total grocery bill for the ingredients at under $50, it’s not a bad return on my monetary investment, either!

So, while I work through Christmas, it may be a little nasty cold outside, but it’s wonderfully chili in here!

Body Changes, Cravings

Getting Real with Clotille

December 2, 2014 dotyness 1 Comment

Yesterday, I caught sight of my reflection and I look … I look … well, I look pregnant. I’m not, but I look it. (Pick yourself up off the floor, Ramona. I haven’t seen in you ages, but, girl, Ida called with that.) I’m so swollen up, I look like I swallowed a watermelon. I’ve got sausages for fingers and I don’t even want to discuss my cankles. I’m eating everything in sight. I’m irritable. I’m cranky. My body hurts. Wait a minute, that sounds like….. No, I’m really not.

Last week, I shared with you some of my recent introspection. While I wouldn’t say that I’m “proud” of my self-awareness, I would say that it’s a pretty handy skill to have. Still, although I thought I had identified my eating trigger, my binge hasn’t stopped. I’m puzzled and annoyed. My old stand by coping skill wasn’t working. So, I went over it all again, looking for an additional blown emotional fuse. And guess what I found. Nothing.

More frustrated than ever, I looked at other factors, including a prescription shot I was recently given in preparation for an upcoming procedure. When I started looking at its possible side effects, I found my answer. Weight gain. Check. Depression. Bingo! I think I found my culprit. However, since it was a one-time injection, it’s not like I can stop taking the chemical to restore balance. So, I have to find some other way to deal with it. My solution was to sit down and talk with myself.

So, I did. Here’s an excerpt of the conversation.

Me: Princess, you know you’ve got to do something about this. Your clothes are tight and you feel really bad; so, what’s the plan?

Princess: It’s the medicine. It causes weight gain and depression. It’s not my fault. It’ll be over in three months. Let’s just deal with it later.

(On hearing this, my very own inner Jiminy Cricket – Clotille Jones pushed me out of the way and took over.) Clotille: “Deal with it later?” “Deal with it later?” Did I just hear you say, “deal with it later?” Girl, you look like Hell and you feel even worse. Your knees and feet hurt and it’s no wonder with that big ole, swoll up belly you’re wagging around. If you “deal with it later” you’ll be buying clothes in the camping supply section again. We gon’ deal with this right now!

Princess: But I can’t. The fatigue, the 60-hour work weeks, solar flares – I just can’t deal with it right now.

Clotille: Woman. You are an intelligent being. You are not powerless. Plan ahead. Deal with the side effects – they ain’t making you leave your dirty clothes on the floor. You’re doing that. They didn’t buy that Dream chocolate frozen dessert. You did. Act like a grown up. You ain’t no cartoon Disney princess, honey. You are a descendant of Vikings. Viqueen up and let’s do this.

That Clotille just doesn’t cut me any slack. She is Queen of the Come to Jesus Meetings and, well she should be. Otherwise, my life would be in utter and complete shambles. She’s blunt, but she’s right. I am a sentient being. And, although there are outside forces acting on both my body and my mind right now, I am far from powerless.

I can make better choices. I must. And I have to remember the continuing process of going from wish, want, & will to am & did.

The Daily Doty