All posts by dotyness

I'm a mother, a hockey fan, a photographer, a sugar and nicotine addict, a non-smoking smoker, a struggler, a connoisseur of the absurd, a reader, a traveler, a writer, a student of light and shadow, a foodie, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a crazy cat lady. I talk to myself more than I care to admit and perhaps even more than is healthy. I'm in a time of great change and turmoil so now I'm talking to you as well as to myself.
Accountability, Exercise

Trash-Talking Easter Peep Cardio

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trash-talking peepsYesterday morning I went on my first really good walk/run in….well, I just don’t know how long. I stayed in my neighborhood and went around the same block four times. Dressed in lilac calf-length Danskin exercise pants, magenta Danskin sleeveless top, and pink and silver running shoes, I was a deranged Easter Peep mash-up as I lumbered walked about two-thirds of the time and ran a third. I mention my clothes because at my age and condition, they are very important.

I still have quite a bit of extra skin from my obese life in the Before. If my muscles are ballet – controlled and strong, my skin is the Alvin Ailey dance company – fluid and organic (doesn’t that sound so much better than floppy?). The Danskin clothes compress everything to decrease my chances of tissue syncopation and self-induced whiplash. I’m sure the outfit doesn’t look either as good as I hope or as bad as I fear. In either case, I really don’t care because: 1) I don’t have to look at it, and 2) it does what I need it to. So there.

The block I circled is a rectangle with two sides being longer than the other two. I walked the long sides and ran the short ones. I started out on one of the long sides – walking. When I got to the first turn and began running, the Couch Potato in my head began finding reasons to stop. “I have to use the bathroom.” “My legs are too weak.” “I’m running out of energy.” “I’m sucking air! For the love of all that’s holy – stop!” These are all things I’ve heard in my head before. As I did before, I trash-talked my way through it. “I went to the bathroom before I left the house.” “They’ll never get stronger if you wimp out.” “There’s plenty of energy stored up in that keister. Move it!” “Suck it up, buttercup.” Sometimes keeping my eye on the prize isn’t enough. Sometimes I have to be my own drill sergeant.

As I ran the first of the short sides, I looked back on the first time I ever ran that. It was late one night and I went with my son, Jaegar – son of Brodin, god of Swole. I remember REALLY sucking air on that run. I mean, I ended up with pebbles in my teeth I was gasping so hard. On that run and during the whole Great Reduction, my son was my biggest cheerleader. There was no trash-talk from his sector. He encouraged me the whole time, telling me that I was almost there, it was just a little further, I could do it. Along with my own trash-talk, I heard his encouragement even though he is thousands of miles and two time zones away. That encouragement was integral to my success the first time and it will be no less important this time.

I was a little worried about my right knee – the one that stopped my running to begin with; however, I finished the distance I set out to complete and my knee felt GREAT! It wasn’t that it just didn’t hurt, it was that it felt perfectly healthy. I can’t even tell you how thrilled I am about that.

By the time I finished my walk/run, my apoplectic red face was split ear to ear with a giant smile. I did it! This is the start of some really good things.

 

Exercise

Giving Myself the Run Around

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So, I went for a little run on Sunday. (Okay, what actually happened was that I left my billfold in the car when I was in Kroger and I had to run to the car and back so that I could pay for my groceries. Still, I ran. That’s the point.) It felt good to run. Well, at least it did until my legs started to feel like noodles. I covered the modest distance and was still able to thank the cashier for his patience when I got back.

The run made me think more about my goal of adding cardio this week. It’s now Wednesday morning and I have to admit that I haven’t done it. I had intentions to, sure. But I didn’t follow through for many excuses, but no good reasons.

dog chasing tail

I don’t know why I’m resisting this so much. I’m not just resisting it, either. I’m actively resisting it. I know that it’s good for me. I know that I will have to add structured exercise to my daily routine for the success of Project 40. I know that I will eventually enjoy the exercise. So, what’s the hold up?

That, I don’t know.

Accountability, Body Changes

News From the First Weigh-In

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scale-with-feet-3

Project 40 has Monday morning weigh-ins; so, obviously, I weighed in yesterday. I had planned to post my progress in that post; but, there’s a reason I didn’t.

As you might have guessed, I don’t write most of my posts on the day they are published. I usually write them the day before; so, I wrote yesterday’s post Sunday night, originally leaving a sentence at the bottom to share my progress number.

Then I weighed in and thought we needed to talk about it a little bit.

You see, in the first week of Project 40, I lost ten pounds. Ten! I had expected five, but certainly not ten. Frankly, ten pounds is too many to lose in a week. I might be concerned about it except for these things:

  1. I know that it was the first week of this program and I always drop a lot of fluid weight in the first week.
  2. I’m a woman and (every 28 days or so) we tend to retain extra fluid. The start of Project 40 coincided with when I should have lost that extra fluid anyway.
  3. I walk a great deal at work and my accidental exercise calorie burns are estimates that are likely on the low side.

So, it is my strong belief that most of what I lost last week was fluid. Will you lose ten pounds in a week if you eat exactly the way I did last week? I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. It depends on how much fluid you have in your body, your body weight, how much you move around and a whole bunch of other stuff. (This is when I should also voice that standard warning: Consult your doctor before starting any diet or exercise program. I’m no doctor or personal trainer. I’m just a chick who found something that works for her.)

Speaking of moving around, that is my challenge this week.

Last week, I rearranged my food, this week I’m adding structured cardio exercise to my routine. That means that I must find at least 30 minutes in my day to do some cardio – walk, run, swim, elliptical, stair climber, whatever. I plan to do a combination of all of them so that my body doesn’t get too comfortable in any given routine and the calorie burn needed to complete it.

My clothes already fit better and my skin feels less tight. I feel lighter on my feet and when I sit. I am already feeling more comfortable in my own body again and I have to tell you that it feels really nice. Those first ten pounds were mostly fluid – the easy stuff. Now I’m getting into territory where I have to use and lose actual, stored fat. That is going to mean more physical work.

With an encouraging start like the one I have, I’m thinking: Bring it!

 

Accountability, Body Changes, Food, Habits

Project 40: The Zen of The Diet

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zen foodIt’s been a week since I started Project 40. Seven days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes. 604,800 seconds. And in nearly every single one of those seconds, I’ve had to remind myself of why I started this project to begin with. I want to fit into my clothes again. I want to feel lean again. I want to feel strong again. And, mostly, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again.

It has not been an easy week. Several times I would have traded one of my kidneys for a Snickers. By Thursday, my mouth felt and tasted like a sock – not that I have tremendous experience knowing what socks taste like, you understand. I just have a great imagination. You know how your mouth feels when you need something to drink? That pasty, sticky kind of feeling? Well, it was like that only with sawdust. Awful. It felt awful, tasted awful, and (I fear) smelled awful. This week I may have to keep some sugarless gum on-hand.

If you review my worksheets for the week, you’ll discover that there are times when Susie Nutrition was on point and times when she was obviously absent. Popcorn? As a meal? Well….. Obviously, it had the calories I needed for the day, but not the nutrition. I was feeling very snackish, though, and that tub of unbuttered, unsalted popcorn did the trick; so, I’m good with it. It’s not like I ate that at every meal. Most of my meals were pretty sound, actually, if not necessarily traditional.

Over the course of the week, I remembered little tricks that helped make the Great Reduction successful and many of them are zen things I saw in a meme this week:

1. Do one thing at a time. – I can’t watch tv or cruise around the internet while I’m eating. That turns eating into a mindless activity where I eat faster, I eat more, and I feel less satisfied. So, when it’s time to eat, I have to turn off the tube, turn off the laptop, and put the phone in another room.

2. Do it slowly and deliberately. – I must eat slowly. Normally, I’m done with my meal in fifteen minutes or so, which doesn’t give me time to savor anything or to let my stomach tell my brain it’s full. I slowed down this week and even put my fork down between bites a few times.

3. Do it completely. – I have to really chew my food. One of the things about eating quickly is that I don’t chew my food much, either. This week, I paid attention to that. Rather than tossing a handful of peanuts into my mouth at once on the day I had them for snack, I ate one peanut at a time, chewed it, enjoyed it, then had another.

4. Do less. – Of course, I have to eat less of the things that are bad for me, although I can still have them. Last night, I enjoyed some So Delicious Cashew Milk Dark Chocolate Truffle frozen dessert. I scooped out 1/3 a cup and savored every molecule of it. I’m not going to lie and say that it didn’t cross my mind to get more (or even the rest of the pint), of course it did! But, I didn’t do it. I have to relearn to enjoy calorie dense foods in moderation.

5. Put space between things. – I take space OUT for this one. I use smaller plates and bowls. It really does make a difference to my mind! When a smaller plate looks full, I will feel like I’ve eaten more than if I serve the same amount on a larger plate, which would look emptier.

6. Develop rituals. – I chop vegetables and store them in the fridge when I get home from the store, before I actually need them. If I keep veggies ready to use, I’m much more likely to actually use them.

7. Designate time for certain things. – I have something of a schedule when it comes to eating. This helps me ensure that my blood sugar levels stay fairly constant, which helps avoid cravings and overeating.

8. Devote time to sitting. – No more eating over the sink! I eat at the table…on a real plate…with real cutlery. I have to get back in the habit of making meals appealing to my eyes as well as to my tastebuds.

9. Smile and serve others. – Forget it. I’m eating.

10. Make cooking and cleaning become meditation. – I enjoy cooking anyway; so, this one isn’t hard at all for me. Now, making cleaning become meditation? Prolly not.

11. Think about what is necessary. – I have to plan my meals with an eye for variety so that my body gets some of all of the nutrients it needs. In addition, it’s such a temptation on a diet to opt for easy foods like salads. However, if I don’t give my body and tastebuds the variety they need, I’ll end up fighting cravings and, well, ain’t nobody got time fa that.

12. Live simply. – My menu consists mostly of things that I could grow myself or make at home if I choose. I do have some vegan cheese, some vegan cheddar crackers, and some cashew milk frozen dessert. Those are clearly processed; however, they are a minimal part of my diet. Most of my menu consists of foods that have one ingredient: themselves.

It was a good week, overall. It was challenging, for sure, but good. Project 40 is off to a good start!

 

 

Food, Habits

Measuring Up

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measuring cups and spoons

If you’ve looked at my Project 40 worksheets this week, you’ve noticed that there are measurements for everything I’ve eaten. Since I am counting calories, I have to measure everything. And, frankly, I’d forgotten just how tedious that is.

I mean, really. I break out the measuring cups and spoons for every little thing. That extra step isn’t all that hard; but, it’s just annoying, you know? Annoying as it is, I truly believe that it was integral to my success during the Great Reduction.

Serving sizes are crucial, particularly when you’re dealing with calorie dense items or packaged items like dry cereal or cheese. Do you know what 3/4 cup of raisin bran really looks like? I sure don’t – not without my measuring cups! Let’s say that I pour out what I think is 3/4 cup, add what I think is 1/2 cup of almond milk and scarf it up. But, let’s say that what I actually poured out was a whole cup of cereal and 3/4 cup of almond milk. In that instance, I ate 57 calories more than I thought I did. And, let’s be real, without measuring, I probably missed the mark by more than just 1/4 cup. Whether I document them or not, those calories count…..and they add up.

Pennies make dollars. Inches make miles. And ounces make pounds – whether I’m gaining or losing.

 

Body Changes, Exercise

The Other Rebellion

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couch potato catYesterday, I said that when the Sugar Monster slumbers again, all would be peaceful in the kingdom – kinda. The “kinda” refers to the Couch Potato Resistance. That battle is going to be a long one, I fear.

As I’ve told you, I don’t like to get sweaty. I don’t mind being sweaty, it’s just those moments between dry-and-comfy and wet-and-what-the-hell that I really hate. I hate that sticky, itchy feeling that lives in that transition. Silly, right? It’s not like that sensation lasts all that long; but, I just hate it! However, muscling through that sensation on a daily basis is going to have to happen if I’m going to return to feeling strong in the way that I like.

For a few days early in the year, I went to the gym after work and rode the recumbent bike. I didn’t do any strength training because I didn’t have a plan and, for me, a plan is crucial. I’m a creature of habit and I like for my workout routines to be, well, routine. I like to know what exercises I’m going to do. If I don’t have that plan and don’t know what I’m going to do, I don’t do anything. The Couch Potato Resistance wins.

For Project 40, I have come up with workout routines to get my strength training on track. I have two routines each for legs, core, and arms, chest and back (I always work those three groups on the same day). In addition, I have four different cardio exercises to do. This way, my workouts will be familiar; but, they won’t be the same each day. Therefore, my muscles won’t get used to any given routine and stop progressing. At some point, I’m sure I’ll change this up, as well, to add new exercises to hit the muscle groups from different directions. But let’s get real here, that’s not going to be for awhile yet. I haven’t had a really good structured workout in probably two years or, at least since right after my knee surgery. I know that for the first few times, I’ll hate it. I’ll want to wimp out, get in the car, go home and eat some popcorn or, really, a Magnum ice cream bar (320 calories, 14 grams of saturated fat, 29 grams of sugar). I’ll have to trash talk myself through those times to get to the times when I really look forward to working out. As I recall, those days did come.

Just after my knee surgery, I was having some serious professional issues. I remember thinking that I would feel so much better if I could just go for a run. Before surgery, I was able to run about three miles and felt awesome afterwards! After surgery, I wasn’t allowed to even walk for exercise for six months. During that time, I allowed myself to lose momentum, finally arriving at today, with me having the couch fabric impressed into the skin of my posterior.

As I begin my workouts, you’ll see all of the routines listed on my Project 40 worksheets. If you have routines that work for you or ideas on ways to make my routines more effective, I’d love to hear from you!

Cravings, Food

Gimme Some Sugar!

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So, I started Project 40 Monday morning at about 4:00. (Hey, I work third shift; I have bizarre sleeping hours even on my days off.) By 7:30 I was already having sugar withdrawals. I knew they would be coming, but that didn’t make them any easier.

sugar

While I wasn’t blogging for awhile, I was eating. And I was eating all the stuff I know is bad for me – processed foods with refined sugar. I even fell off the vegetarian wagon for several days and ate shepherd’s pie that I had made with some ground lamb that my father had left here and that I had thawed in error. (While the shepherd’s pie was tasty, my stomach issues over those days weren’t really worth it.) In general, my system has been in absolute chaos! It was anarchy, I tell you!

And, as it is with anarchy, when I tried to restore order, my efforts were met with stiff resistance – particularly from the sugar junkie cells. As you no doubt know, sugar activates the pleasure centers of the brain in ways very similar to both cocaine and heroine. Still, sugars, both naturally occurring and added, are in nearly everything. We can’t totally avoid it; but, what should we limit ourselves to?

That’s tricky because there are no USDA guidelines like there are for nutrients since sugar isn’t a nutrient. So, it depends on who you ask as to how much is the right amount. I recently found an article on the American Heart Association’s site which recommends no more than nine teaspoons of sugar per day for men and no more than six teaspoons for women. (The World Health Organization uses similar guidelines.) To translate it into units on nutritional labels, that’s 36 grams for men and 20 grams for women. Okay, that still doesn’t have much meaning for me; so, let’s look at the sugar content of some things I’ve been eating:

So Delicious Cashew Milk Salted Caramel Cluster frozen dessert (yum) – 18 grams per serving  – 4 servings per pint and, really, who doesn’t just eat the whole pint at once? So that’s 72 grams. Yikes!
Zero candy bar – 31 grams
Bojangles sweet potato pie – 28 grams
Hershey’s with Almonds – 19 grams
Kettle Chips Backyard Barbeque flavor – 1 gram per 13 chips (13 chips?! Get real!)

In the past month, I’m pretty sure that I’ve eaten three years worth of my sugar allowance. Now my brain has gotten used to it and weaning the grey cells off the white stuff is going to be a battle, any way I look at it. Still, it’s a battle I’ve won before and I won it with apples.

So, my kitchen is well-stocked with apples and for the next week or so, I won’t worry about my daily sugar intake as I reach for an apple when the cravings hit really hard. If Project 40 works like the Great Reduction, I won’t have to reach for the apples for very long. The Sugar Monster will slumber once more and all will be peaceful in the kingdom.

Well, kinda.

Accountability, Body Changes, Food

Just For Me

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Love yourself

My friend Kent read yesterday’s piece and, like the wonderful friend he is, said, “Time to be blunt. I didn’t see the weight gain until YOU mentioned it.” That may be true; but, I saw it and my vision is really the most important one here – as long as it stays realistic.

What I mean is this: I’m the one who has to feel comfortable in my own skin and, right now, I don’t. I feel bloated, thick and weak. I don’t like feeling this way, particularly since I now know what it feels like to feel svelte and strong. Okay, maybe I wasn’t exactly svelte in everyone’s definition, but I certainly was in my own and I want to feel that way again.

I don’t like feeling winded when I walk up one flight of stairs. I don’t like feeling like I have rolls of fat on my belly. I don’t like feeling like I have no control over my appetite. Frankly, right now, I do feel winded, fat and out of control. My feet, knees and hips hurt. I’m the only one who can change that. I changed it before and I can do it again.

Now, if you look at my activity sheet from yesterday, you’ll notice that there are no structured exercises or accidental exercises listed. That’s because I was so worthless that I wasn’t worth the 12 cents for the bullet to shoot me. Working nights is more tiring that I ever imagined when I worked a regular schedule. I just don’t rest as well during my work week. So, at least once a month, I sleep most of 24 hours on a day off. Yesterday was that day.  You’ll also notice that I did not consume enough calories.

I should consume at least 1200 calories per day just to fuel my basic bodily functions. If I consume fewer than that, my body will react by going into starvation mode, converting all calories to fat. I will also become listless, confused and will feel cold all the time – at least that’s what happened when I consumed too few calories during The Great Reduction. I will have to plan my meals better so that I get the calories I need to function and to burn excess fat efficiently.

Whether I want to look better or feel better, this endeavour is all about me, really, isn’t it? It’s what I want for myself. It’s not that I look or feel just horrible now; but, I know what it feels like to feel better and I want that again – just for myself.

 

Accountability, Exercise, Food, Habits

So This Happened……

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When my friend Rebecca first suggested I write this blog, it was with the idea of sharing how I had lost 94 pounds and how I maintained that loss. Except that I haven’t. Maintained the loss, that is.

As I’ve told you, it all started last Fall when I got that Depro Provera shot. I started gaining weight; but, it didn’t end there. Now, here we are, eight months later. As a contraceptive, the shot worked great! I don’t have a human baby growing inside my belly; however, I’ve got a gigantic food baby growing everywhere! I see this 40-pound monster on my forearms, my thighs, my ankles and, of course, in my mid-section.

dawn

That’s right. I’ve gained 40 pounds – the weight of a full water cooler bottle. Ugh. BUT! This morning is the dawn of a new day. I decided yesterday that today would be the day I took control again. And here we are.

I have set up a new goal in my Lose It! account. This goal is to lose 1.5 pounds per week until this 40.8 pounds is gone. The app estimates that I will reach my goal by December 30th and has given me a daily calorie budget that will let me achieve this. Of course, I’ll be tracking all of my food and exercise on that site; however, if you look at the top of this page, you’ll see a new section called 2015 Project 40. Under that section, I will post my daily logs. I’ve created a spreadsheet to track my estimated calorie intake and calorie burn. You’ll be able to see at a glance what my menus are and what my workout routines are. (I’ll try to link items in the spreadsheet with items in the menu section; however, that may be beyond my technical skill. We’ll see.)

My regular posts will continue to be about food and whatever else I feel the need to talk about; so, I will likely not address that whole endeavour here often. However, the Project 40 section will always have updated sheets allowing you to track my progress and to help you with your own! If you want a copy of the spreadsheet to use for yourself, just email me at the Contact the Goddess link above and I’ll be thrilled to send one to you!

Here we go, friends!

Food, Vegetarian, Whole Food Plant Based Lifestyle

The Birth of a Bean Freak

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Nearly 48 years ago, my parents brought me home from the hospital, wrecking my sister’s run as an only child. I’ve been wrecking shaking things up for her ever since. Poor thing.

Don’t shed a tear! She gets hers, lemme tell you. She’s hardly helpless. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that she set me on my current path to becoming a complete bean freak. See, here’s how it started (and how I’m totally blaming her):

In her 20s, Chele spent a few years living in Germany where they were huge into recycling – even in the 80s. She really got into it – both in deed and in spirit. She got used to “reduce, reuse, recycle” and brought the ideas home with her. Once stateside, it was tough to recycle anything much more than aluminum cans; but, until there were actual recycling programs, she continued her mission to reduce and reuse. And was she ever an evangelist about it! I’m pretty sure that there were times I threw things away that resulted in some discourse ending in, “Can I get an AMEN!”

You see, unlike my sister, I was still a giant, spoiled, American baby. I bought things. I used them. I threw them away. Disposable anything was just fine with me. I gave no thought to excess plastic or packaging. I went to Kroger, bought what I needed, consumed it, then threw the remains in the landfill, never giving it a second thought. Well, not a second thought until the Earth Queen got ahold of me, anyway. This went on for years – her fussing, me ignoring – until I lived in New Orleans where the city had a recycling program. Since it was not big deal for me, I separated my plastic containers and put them in the bin. I started recycling in the laziest of ways. Still, I started.

After Katrina, we moved to Tennessee where I met my friend Sean who is also an advocate of recycling. He didn’t really give me grief about it, though. He just told me where I could take it and how easily we could set up collection bins on my back porch. Before I knew it, I had bins for plastic, steel cans, cardboard, aluminum, glass and paper. The truth is, I’m not entirely sure I set these up. It’s possible that he did it while I wasn’t looking. Still, nearly ten years later, I still recycle everything but plain paper (they don’t take that anymore, but sometimes I shred it and add it to my compost pile).

So, you see? It’s totally their fault! Between Chele and Sean, I began to be aware of the environment and the impact on it my choices have. This made me fertile ground for the vegan message, particularly after becoming such a fan of veggies during the Big Reduction. Even realizing that they all have their own agendas, films like Fat,Sick and Nearly Dead, Vegucate, Forks Over Knives, Fed Up and Food, Inc. found a willing convert in this nascent Bean Freak.

So, it’s been nine months since I started my vegetarian experiment – nine months with a total of maybe six servings of meat. Eggs and dairy have fallen by the wayside in the last couple of months – except when they are in something processed. (I’m not turning down a slice of cake to avoid a little egg.) And, as I’ve told you (and my sister, ad nauseum), I feel better than ever.

My sister, who is visiting me this week, is getting the full-on vegan treatment (Except for that cow’s milk she insists on drinking in her tea) whether she likes it or not. We’ve had black bean burgers, wild mushrooms, portobellos in peanut sauce, Jamaican Black Beans with pineapple chutney, cashew and almond milk frozen desserts. It’s all good stuff! Can I get an AMEN!

(I work tonight. Watch for her at the Wendy’s drive-thru as soon as I leave.)